Infertility Monster (NSFW)

tina and jer sad about fertility

I drew this illustration, because I don't have a picture of us with a thought bubble coming out.

My wife Tina and I have been diagnosed as infertile with scientific proof to bat. We’ve been trying to conceive for over a year. We worked closely with Tina’s OB/GYN for over three months in the spring to see what she could do. After it seemed that the OB/GYN’s efforts were ineffective, we sought fertility clinic help.

Since September, we’ve been pricked, prodded and probed. Tina had one ultrasound of her cervix that was devastatingly painful. Guys, could you imagine having your penis hole opened large enough to fit a freight train inside? That’s how bad it was. After other various tests, including HIV and STD tests, as well as semen samples from me, we’ve been diagnosed with potentially “curable” infertility.

The awful thing about infertility is that we are both to blame. Maybe because of Tina’s age and generally other factors, she shows different signs of infertility. For instance, this past month, the doctor said there is no indication that Tina ovulated.

For me, my semen doesn’t include sperm that’s fast enough or made well enough to reach the egg as well as they’d like. I have good volume (Take that bats!) So between my handicapped sperm and Tina’s plumbing, we’re a pair of infertile monsters.

And man, are we scary. We become emotional wackaloons through the cycle. Tina got her period yesterday and the clouds that enter our condo are thick and grumpy. Even with self awareness, we could argue over the level of water in our SIGG bottles or the sharpness of a pencil tip. Yesterday, I spent four hours serving dinner, because she wanted to make sure she received the same amount of couscous on her plate (5,323 a piece). When I counted an odd total number, she made me cook one granule of couscous to serve. I insisted we throw one away. You know women, though. Once thei heart is set on one granule of couscous, they’re getting one granule of couscous.

Infertility is a bitch.

We’re basically not accepted by my parents until a little one grows and pops out of Tina’s stomach via vagina on its way to Albuquerque. No kidding.

What’s the next step? Glad you asked. We’re probably going to go with artificial insemination. That means they take my semen and “wash” it. They put the “washed” semen into a standard dropper. Maybe not a standard one. Anyway, they then deliver a highly potent and strong semen sample directly to Tina’s drug-induced, highly primed, hormone filled body. I hear legends have emerged about the beasts women become while on hormone therapy, so I’m a little scared.

To do this method, Tina has to take hormones by needle for about 10 days and monitored closely via blood work. Then on the optimum day, they shoot her so full of semen accepting hormones, that we have an optimized opportunity for one of my handicapped spermatazoa to dig its way into one of Tina’s eggs, and poof, we have a ticket back into Witteveen harmony.

I think they have a HUGE microscope they put Tina under for them to look at too. They get real close. Close enough to see puss in pimples. It’s kinda gross.

This method costs thousands, and it might not work. They say, if we try it, and it’s not successful after three months, then we discuss In Vitro Fertilization. It’s the most expensive yet the most effective.

What’s it like to masturbate in a public washroom to produce a semen sample?

Damn, these are all good questions. Thanks for asking.

The third sample I provided, we did at home. And damn, that was some hot business. I highly recommend it.

The first two samples, they were achieved in a public facility, much like a large bathroom, with a relining chair and a handy selection of cheap porn. There was no TV in the facility I used.

While it was really stressful going to a place to “extract” semen from your “scrotum”, it’s really not that bad. The kind doctors at the clinics provide inspirational literature to read while you do your business. Consider the fine literature I was able to use over the summer.

photo2

If case the magazines didn’t do the trick, I came prepared. I threw a short movie I found online onto my iPhone. Between the literature and the movie, worked like a charm.

I don’t recommend keeping something like porn on your phone for long. You don’t want to lose your phone, and have a grandma find it while you’re sleeping and start digging around hoping you have a copy of her soaps in iTunes.

You also don’t want the neighbor kids to come over, pick up your phone because you have a light saber application. While you’re talking to the kid’s daddy, you hear light saber sound effects suddenly turn into a lady’s voice screaming, “Fuck me harder!” this tends not to go well.

There is something about a wall and not showing the neighbor kid pornography that makes a good neighbor.

If you don’t put it on the iPhone, I guess you could bring one of those portable DVD players and a few favorites. Otherwise, depending on your routine, it might take you longer than you would like.

Although, if they offer you lube, USE IT. It rocks.

Who Knew Child Making Would be so Hard?

Have you seen “Idiocracy”? The beginning scene keeps going through my head where the trailer-trash family has umpteen kids and the sophisticated couple waited too long, and now they can’t have just one child.

When you want a kid, EVERY ONE is pregnant … Even men and farm animals.

Tina and I know couples who pop out children left and right.

No offense, but you’re pissing us off. So if you’re pregnant, please cover it up. If you’re on child #18, go fuck yourself. We’re bitter. We’re trying to pop a bun in the oven so that eventually, we can fill its head full of science, new and intriguing ideas, all kinds of information, push him or her out the door, love him/her unconditionally no matter what choice, idea, goals they have. :) Or in the very least, a little one to bring us happiness and love that all you lucky son of a bitch parents keep yakking about.

:)

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13 thoughts on “Infertility Monster (NSFW)

  1. I’m so sorry you guys have to go through all this. It must be heartbreaking for Tina. My cousins recently had a baby after almost five years of trying–the artificial insemination worked for them. She was 41 I believe. Best wishes xxx

    Oh, but if you go with the final option of in vitro, and you have eight kids…will you go with a TLC reality show?

  2. I’m sorry you are going through this. It’s a tough thing to deal with. Don’t want to go into detail but btdt. Nothing wrong with him, nothing wrong with me. Happens like that sometimes. Hope it works out well for you and Tina.

  3. Just have to ask…
    have you tried wearing boxers instead of briefs?
    And, have you tried not having sex for say a couple of weeks prior to the best time of the month for her to conceive?
    Also, and I do remember this from my college bio class. Could she have built up a resistance to you…vis-a-vis seamen?
    I know it sounds crazy but this did in fact happen with one of the couples my professor had worked with.
    Also, if they haven’t told you stay out of hot tubs and the like.
    Good luck

    1. Good goddamnathiest,

      I wear boxers.

      The scientific recommendation is to abstain from sex for 2 days, but no more than 5, for the most potent release of semen. After five days, the boys need a release in some form, and it takes two days to generate enough good guys again. Besides, I would go nuts if I had to wait more than two days for sex let alone two weeks. In fact, one bit of scientific information which I referenced in an early post, says that daily masturbation for an infertile male, can help as it helps to cleanse the system.

      From the two perspectives we received, I’m saying “no” to resistance to semen.

      And finally, I do not go into hot tubs, and I don’t keep my laptop on my lap.

      I really appreciate your good goddamnatheist advice. I really hope you clicked on receiving notices to replies, or this response is almost futile.

      (I like writing good goddamnatheist. It has a ring to it.)

      Cheers.

  4. Sorry to hear that news Jeremy HUGE supportive hugs to Tina and a manly brotherly hug to you too. I have had friends go through this and have seen the anguish from the sidelines. My little spermy boys don’t go near any eggy weggys but they swim cheering for you two !! I know that you may have thought about this already and I *think* it’s not my place to comment but what about adoption ?? The friends of mine who went thru tried IVF with no results and ended up adopting two Chinese little girls.

    1. Adoption? Are you kidding? Adoption is for pussies.

      HOOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNNKKKKKKKK:)

      We haven’t looked into it yet, because up until now we thought we had more biological potential.

  5. Thanks guys for the encouragement. Tina and I were sulking in the news last night, and I ended up going to bed earlier than I usually do on a Friday night.

    I hope that expressing it here at Le Café might encourage some other infertiles out there. I think we need to talk about this stuff as it contributes to the “whole” conversation.

  6. My husband and I can totally relate to what you are going through. I know people who pop out (unwanted) babies like Pez dispensers. Meanwhile, John and I decided to be responsible and wait until we could afford children and it’s just not happening. We have tried Clomid and insemination (3x). It’s heartbreaking to see people with their litters of kids, while we can’t manage to have even one child.

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