In a recent post, I explained that I was inspired by the Redheaded Skeptic’s use of her old journals on her current blog. It encouraged me to search through my own journals for material to add to Le Café regarding my evolution from Christianity toward atheism.
I found an entry from June of 2000 that says, “If I make myself vulnerable and write out my true feelings, I should be able to make clarity out of all that’s going on in my life right now. I’m not dating someone who believes in God. Actually, I don’t know that I believe in God myself anymore.”
Underneath that I wrote, “I lied to my dad the other day. He asked me point blank if I was going to a church. I told him yes. I should have told him no, I’m not. What point is there to lie? I don’t go to church and I haven’t for regularly for six years.”
Until I came out and declared myself an atheist in 2004, I went back and forth from a flimsy sort of belief to a shaky non-belief. I told myself and loved ones that my search was to reconcile religion with science not to destroy it. In my head, however, religion was being retired, but I held on as tightly as possible until I couldn’t bear it any longer.
I found another journal dated August 3, 2003, I wrote (parenthetical comments added today):