Doggie hell exists

November 30, 2011

I don’t know about doggie heaven, but I know doggie hell exists.

I know where it is on a map.

It’s in my kitchen. Every time I cook and look at Talulah’s face, she stares at me as if she’s getting tortured beyond her threshold for pain.

Maybe she’s been reincarnated as a dog, and getting punished for something in a past life.

Can you believe that she was not in existence for all of time — 6,000 years if you’re a young earther or 13.75 billion years if you’re smart — and then two years ago she was born.

She eventually came to live with us, where she’s daily faced with an arsenal of cooking fragrances: bacon, steaks, garlic, citrus, chicken (gosh, she loves the smell of chicken). I don’t know if she hates one thing I cook.

Remember this the next time you torture you’re dog.

It could qualify you as a torturer.

You could be tried, convicted, and sent to prison.

You doggie torturer.


Yes, it’s 2011 and yes, there are churches who ban interracial couples

November 30, 2011

Sometimes I get the feeling that Spike Lee wasted his time making Jungle Fever.

Via

The story in connection to the video:

LOUISVILLE, Ky. –  A tiny Appalachian church in Pike County has voted to ban interracial couples from joining its flock, pitting members against each other in an argument over race.

Members at the Gulnare Free Will Baptist Church voted Sunday on the resolution, which says the church “does not condone interracial marriage.”

Member Melvin Thompson crafted the resolution but said Wednesday that he is not racist. The church secretary, Dean Harville, disagrees. The resolution followed a visit to the church by Harville’s daughter, who is white, and her African boyfriend.

“I am not racist. I will tell you that. I am not prejudiced against any race of people, have never in my lifetime spoke evil about a race,” said Thompson, the church’s former pastor who stepped down earlier this year. “That’s what this is being portrayed as, but it is not.”

He called the matter an “internal affair” of the church.

The National Association of Free Will Baptists in Antioch, Tenn., has no official position on interracial marriage, said its executive secretary, Keith Burden.

“It’s been a non-issue with us,” Burden said, adding that many interracial couples attend Free Will Baptist churches. He said the Pike County church acted on its own.

Read more:


Reasonable conclusions aren’t so *reasonable*

November 30, 2011

Based on an honest interpretation of scripture, it is reasonable to believe that humans can heal other humans through supernatural forces.

It’s also honest to believe that people can be healed without human intervention.

But these things don’t happen. Never did. Never will.

The story of the HIV patients who are dying because they were told to stop their meds and that they were healed, horse shit.

Absolute horse shit.


What the funny kids are posting

November 30, 2011

Here’s another installment of what the funny kids are posting. These are primarily from Tastefully Offensive, reddit.com/r/funny and I have seen the whole of the Internet

Your ecard reads: “Dear lord, please grant me the ability to punch people in the face over the Internet.”

Image of kitty in washing machine reads, “Good morning. Thought you might want these furry again.”

eBay auction of The Social Network poster reads, “The social network signed by Michael Cera Movie poster.”

Image of Jesus reads, “And so, he passed out loaves to the hungry, and fishes for those who were low-carbing; Or needed to get Omega-3, for their hair.”

Image of little boy reads, “One time I tried dressing like an american apparel model, but I soon realized it just wasn’t me, and that my balls were definitely showing. 


Fischer: Barney Frank Influenced Men To Be Gay, Get AIDS

November 30, 2011

If Barney Frank is to blame for influencing men to be gay, who is to blame for inspiring heterosexuals to cheat on their wives or ruin the sanctity of marriage?

Newt Gingrich?

Finger pointing is fun!

Okay, good enough.

Carry on.

Via JMG


If a tree falls in the forest, who’s responsible for cloud cover?

November 30, 2011

This morning, the sun was shining brightly when I took Talulah out.

When I saw the sun, I thought to myself, “Wow, I didn’t know it shined from there. How would I? There’s been cloud cover almost everyday for what seems like forever.”

You know how the sun “moves” with the movement of the earth around it.

It was a nice change. It was so bright, I found myself wanting to stand in the shade. But the shade is cold, so I moved to full sun light and shielded my eyes.

At one point, I stood there looking up to the sun with my eyes closed just soaking it up. It felt so nice.

I’ve heard that cloud cover is supposed to make it feel warmer, because clouds trap in heat. But, at least on most days during Chicago winter, that’s a load of crap. When it’s sunny and cold, I love it. Erhm, I love it more than cloudy and cold anyway.

Over at Facebook, a woman I know wrote, “Thank you God for clearing the clouds this morning and letting the sun shine, it uplifts my spirit!”

I know she doesn’t mean any harm over this update. But let’s explore it shall we?

Why attribute sunny days to God? In a place like Chicago, attributing sunny days to the all-powerful creator of the universe renders him a bully jerk with a penchant for watching you suffer.

Does that mean god wanted to lower your spirits for the past 20 days of cloud cover? Or does that mean Satan was oppressing you for the past 20 days, and here is your big chance to see just how wonderful God is?

If you truly love god, what does weather have to do with it?

And why is he such a douche for leaving it cloudy so long? Doesn’t he know that happy people are productive people, and we like sunny days more?

If my FB friend moved to a different part of the hemisphere, the sun to cloudy day ratio is far more favorable toward sunny days. It has been for eons. It’s geographical, not supernatural. Isn’t that plain? Isn’t that honest?

See, you can have your sunny day and not make God out to be a jerk who withholds happiness on purpose from his flock.

You can eliminate the need to thank god for sunny days with the simple act of moving to another geographical location.

How about that!

The hyperbolic overuse of attributing “God” to every little thing that makes you happy has to — at some point — be embarrassing for believers.

I didn’t set out to write this post today. I was inspired by the pervasion of “Godspeak” among his followers.

Maybe you don’t like that kind of criticism. Whelp, help me make god go away from everyday language and I’ll stop being critical.

Honk.


It’s Wednesdog!

November 30, 2011

20111129-233452.jpg

[Sing-song] It’s the most wonderful time of the week.

This wonderful Wednesdog is brought to you by regular-reader Jude.

If you recall, I was late with my post last week. The second I posted last week’s, I received an email from Jude. He was as nervous as a teenage boy whose girlfriend missed her period.

He wrote that it wasn’t too late to celebrate the most wonderful day of the week, and if I needed a picture, he was submitting the shot above.

Jude writes, “If you don’t have any [photos] at hand you can use the enclosed – our beloved Anna
and Sam with my dad’s dog Licorice.”

Let’s all give Anna, Sam and Licorice a rousing belly rub.

Thanks, Jude!


Vote for Real Christians™ or perish in hell, bitches

November 29, 2011

Historical revisionist and dominionist Dave Barton tells it how it is … the party lines are defined by belief and non … and if you don’t vote Conservative Republican, you will find yourself punished in a fiery liberal hell.

If you need another reason why you should consider not voting that direction, here’s #4,693,012.

Via JMG


It’s 3:14. Do you know where your tingle is?

November 29, 2011

You know how some people see numbers and think there’s some divine significance?

Or like every time it’s 12:19, Tina says, “It’s my birthday.”

Or every time it’s 8:08, she says, “Gimme a kiss.” Or, “Com’ere and eff me.”

Well, every time it’s 3:14, I get a tingle in my tongle.

And by tongle, I mean brain.

And by brain, I mean …

By the way, we got our new Bed, Bath and Beyond catalog in the mail yesterday. Why do they even include the words, “Bed” or “Bath”?

The pages are jam packed with the “Beyond”.

I mean, iPad radio clocks, record players, high-def video cameras, handheld vibrators, battery operated wine-bottle openers … oh wait … that place is more for the bedroom than I ever imagined.

There’s a pillow that has an iPod hookup. That way when killers smuggle their victims, they can put on their victim’s favorite playlist. Maybe even Slacker or Pandora.

They think of everything at that store.

 

 


Science cat cooks up another funny one

November 29, 2011

An atom says to another, I lost my electron. Are you sure? Yes, I’m positive.

Via 


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