SEX! Now that I have your attention, here’s a language lesson

POLYAMORY IS WRONG. It is either Multiamory or Polyphilia. Mixing Greek and Latin roots is wrong.”

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God has special red phone with Pat Robertson’s number and called him *directly*

Wouldn’t you know it!?! Pat Robertson is hogging God. He actually talked to him, and God gave him direct words to relay to humanity.

God also told Patty who the next president of the United States is, but he can’t talk about it. God told him to keep his mouth shut on that one.

Imagine that, God told Pat, and this would be a verifiable fact that could come true and show us God and Pat are soul buddies.

But that’s beside the point, at 2:22 in the video above, Pat says, “God said, and I quote …”

Now I could be wrong, but God hasn’t talked to anyone directly since John the Revelator (if you believe that kind of thing). And if you don’t, well, he never said boo to anyone. It’s all a made up bunch of stories.

Anyway, take a look a the clip. Throw me a couple funny lines that stuck out to you in the comments. The damn 2.5 minutes is chockfull of great quotes.

Hey Mr. Robertson, quit hogging Jesus and share him with the rest of us. We’re dying to hear straight from the horse’s mouth. And oh yeah, when you were talking about Obama, you forgot Romans 13:1 that says God places every authority in power. So you’re kinda really not following the bible you claim you follow.

Via JMG

Shoplifting like a champ

Clearly you and your shoplifting skills are outmatched by this woman’s ability to get the five-finger discount on a 24-pack of Guinness.

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Keanu asks all the deep questions

Keanu meme reads: “What if the mayan calendar ends in 5105. And we’ve just been holding it upside down.” 

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Words with more than two syllables are hard to spell

Centennial Elementary School sign reads, “Congradulation spelling bee winners Maiesha, Akhand, Anamaria, Brown.” 

Via The Daily What

Bachmann: That’s a gotcha question

Palin leads the pack by influencing new vocabulary. “Gotcha questions”? Really?

And how is a woman who started a business qualified to be president of the United States of America?

I get it. Obama wasn’t qualified either.

But she equates starting a business with qualifications.

That means I should be president too.

Hmm, that’s a thought.

Hey Bachmann, it’s time to retire the dumbass position of gay = evil just like you’ve retired so many other dumbass ideas in the bible. Apparently it needs repeating every five minutes with these people.

Via

Chicago pit bulls attack jogger

This story pisses me off. Yesterday, there were reports of a runner on South Lake Shore getting attacked by two pit bulls who mysteriously got loose. Article here.

“Shit!” I screamed. “That doesn’t help our plight!”

We struggle with people’s perceptions of the pit bull breed, because our Talulah is a pit-boxer mix. I train the hell out of Talulah for this very reason.

These two pit bulls attacked the jogger, who called out for help. They couldn’t fight off the pit bulls with fucking  baseball bats, so the cops had to shoot them.

The Chicago Trib ended their article with this paragraph (emphasis mine):

“The sad part is, joggers are interesting to dogs. A jogger is almost by definition appealing to a dog,” she said. “Our advice to anybody is if you’re out someplace (and a dog charges), you’re not going to outrun it so be as still as possible, don’t make eye contact and look down. If a dog is acting threatening, curl up into a ball and try to protect your internal organs.”

Curl up in a ball and protect your internal organs? Holy shit.

I’m not pissed off at the dogs. It’s not the dogs. It’s the owners. The goddamn owners probably kept the dogs in the yard full time. Pits are smart, and they need exercise. If you coop them up, they will get out and get their run on. The pit bulls were so desperate to play fetch, they grabbed the first thing they saw that was moving.

That owner should get more than fined. 

On New Year’s Day, Tina and I watched a rerun of a Dog Whisperer episode about two pits who couldn’t get along. In one scene after months of Cesar’s work, they brought the pit in question to an open space to meet with other dogs. The pit attacked another pit bull. It latched on to the pit’s mouth and would not let go.

They are a strong breed. That’s for sure. They are a breed you should take seriously, but a well-trained pit bull — some believe — is one of the best family dogs you can have.

Here’s another paragraph in the article:

“The problem with (pit bulls) is not that they are bad dogs. The problem with the breed is people get them and don’t socialize them and don’t take them for training and they’re strong dogs,” she said. “The reality is we need to hold people responsible that if you get a dog, you are responsible for everything that happens.”

Training and socialization is key. It’s definitely re-invigorated my effort to find new tricks and ways to make Talulah even better behaved.

I mean, Jesus, if you saw our Christmas card, you can get an inkling of understanding that Talulah is well behaved. Most of those shots are purposefully commanded.

I didn’t do a ton of takes. I got what I wanted and edited.

Talulah is a star.

There are a lot of stories about bad parents who shouldn’t have kids … but this is a story about a dog owner who shouldn’t own dogs.

Thanks, asshole, for perpetuating a stereotype that the rest of us good guys have to put up with.

 

Meeting your spouse’s ex-boyfriend in the social media age

A week or so before Christmas, Tina, her brother Michael and I were shopping at Target. We were looking for White Elephant gifts for the grab bag at our Christmas Eve party.

Tina and I already found our gifts, and we were waiting for Michael to find his.

I spotted a photographer friend of mine several aisles away, and I said, “Hey, I see Sara So-and-So (real last name). I’m going to go say hi.”

I walked away from Tina and Michael.

As I walked, a guy with those disk things in his ears, one of those chin hair growths that come to a point and tattoos turned a corner. I looked at him. He looked at me.

There was that split second moment of recognition, but confusion where I’ve seen this guy.

Finally, the other guy said, “Jeremy?”

“Ye-yes?” I said.

He pointed at himself and said, “Noah.”

It took me another second, but I finally figured out that I was standing in front of Tina’s ex-boyfriend.

I used to be friends with Noah on Facebook. And Tina is friends with Noah on Facebook now. And he recognized me from pictures of Tina and I together.

A couple of years ago, I friended him, because I thought we had more in common. But once he started spouting the woo and sending me Dr. Mercola links and anti-vaccine conspiracy bullshit, I got frustrated and defriended him.

At the time, he lived in Arizona with his wife who was going to med school there. Now he moved back to Chicago. He’s a tattoo artist at the famous tattoo parlor a hop-skip from our place.

I still couldn’t believe he recognized me … by name … from Facebook.

I talked to him for a minute or two before Tina and Michael turned a corner and spotted us talking.

“Look who I ran into,” I said.

Come to find out, Noah’s wife works with a good friend and Tina’s doctor slash OB/GYN. Oddly enough, when Noah met his then girlfriend, he told her to see Tina’s doctor for birth control. They became friends and the doctor inspired Noah’s girlfriend to become a doctor.

How whacked up is that?

It irritated the hell out of Tina to learn that if she goes to the doctor, she risks having a pap smear with her ex-boyfriend’s wife.

I mean, the next time she’s at the doctor, the walls are all going to fall away, and the whole of the mechanical puppets from Disney World are going to pop and sing an off-key version of “It’s a Small World” … after all.

Baby owls playing with tennis balls

Sometimes you have to open your mind to all that owls have to offer.

Via 

Mmmmm, Palin loves her some Santorum … oh yeah, and so does Rupert Murdoch

So @rupertmurdoch tweeted this:

Can’t resist this tweet, but all Iowans think about Rick Santorum. Only candidate with genuine big vision for country.

And I also found this clip from Sarah Palin:

Where do people get their information?

By the way, did you know the following about Murdoch:

According to the 2011 list of Forbes richest Americans, Murdoch is the 38th richest person in the US and the 117th-richest person in the world, with a net worth of $7.6 billion. (Wiki)

Please let it be Santorum. Please let it be Santorum!