Over the weekend I got the flu shot.
You know, that inactive strain of flu virus(es) injected into your arm fat that may or may not prevent the flu from over taking your body, rendering you a miserable mess of snot globules and whineys only a distraught horse could appreciate.
I get the flu shot every year.
And if I told you where I got it, I’d have to shoot you.
So I’ll let my friend Satan take over this post for a few seconds and let him tell you where I get it.
Hey guys! Satan here.
The real one.
No, I’m not an impostor. I’m the real fucking deal, bitch.
Stop pointing that finger at me. No, I didn’t tempt you to masturbate last night to midget porn. That was the other guy. You know.
Oh wait, Jeremy’s telling me to tell you where he gets the flu shot.
Get this. Jeremy goes to a bar on occasion that gives flu shots — gratis — in the back room.
Back to you, Jer!
I’m back. I don’t know what Satan told you, but surely it wasn’t true.
Anyway, about the flu shot. I got one.
And if you asked me why, I’d say, I believe enough in science that I recognize its merits and its drawbacks.
What are its merits?
Well, it could prevent you from getting infected with a nasty-ass flu that can lay you on your back for days, making you, and everyone around you … MISERABLE.
Secondly, I don’t have fucking time to lay on my back. I have a business that doesn’t allow me that luxury.
I don’t have anyone to lean on if I call in sick.
Depending on your age, the flu can kill your dumbass.
That’s my tertiary reason.
Apparently some people see the flu shot as an extension of other trivial nuanced safety measures that the government and “society” are imposing on the masses. You know, you grew up in a time when helmets weren’t worn when bike riding.
You didn’t ride in baby seats, drank water from a hose and ate mud pies made of fecal mater. Women drank and smoked while pregnant.
No one needed to find out if their kids were mentally handicapped while in the womb.
These are all the government’s way of selling more products and imposing a culture of fear and pain on you.
This isn’t the good loving place called church, where they teach you as soon as you can get an erection that if you don’t believe in Jesus, death = torture … for eternity.
These government assholes want you to believe that if you fell and banged your head while riding 15 miles per hour down a hill on your bike that he puny little helmet would prevent you from some stupid injuries.
These government assholes want you to accept that mothers drinking and smoking could affect a baby’s birth weight — or some shit like that. They want you to just accept — without so much as proof — that birth weight might inform learning and growth for that child. They might accept crazy ideas like Islam or Mormonism if they don’t have the mental capacity to learn better.
Oh the horror.
These government assholes want your money. That $25 that it costs to get a flu shot is going straight into their get-rich scheme to take over the world, and be more important than, say, Buddha or Mohammed.
The government isn’t looking out for you. They are looking out for their selfish, secular goals to prevent you from trusting Jesus to save you and heal you.
The moral of the story is don’t get your flu shot.
Certainly don’t wear a helmet while bike riding.
And flush down that last cigarette with a pint of whiskey. Especially if you’re pregnant.
Because the last thing we want is smarter, healthier, knowledgeable people interfering with the rest of us.
Isn’t there a better way to hold back the masses with fear and an inordinate fascination with common ideas as sinful?
I didn’t think so.