Go USA!!! Proof we are the greatest nation on the planet!

Where else on earth can children learn vital information to make the rest of the world mock them with great tenacity?

Well, right here in the good ol’ You Ess of Amazing … that’s where.

I mean, look at the above 4th grade test.

That is some doctorate-degree level schtuff!

America, where kids have the freedom to have their parents force them to learn absolute horseshit and stand proud and united because of it.

What? There’s more:

More here at Snopes.

Seen at JMG

 

Things I learned over Thanksgiving break

Over the Thanksgiving break, I had several conversations with different people that, well, blew me away.

One guy told me that he’s an avid runner, and loves marathons. He also loves the city of Chicago. But you won’t catch him in Chicago, you know, because of Mayor Rahm Emanuel.

Okay. Fine. I’ve heard that before. What else do you have?

Another person told me that Mitt Romney didn’t get elected because God does not want a mormon in the white house. It’s not because Romney was an inferior candidate with inferior ideas. It wasn’t because the Republican party can’t get their shirts and skirts on straight, what, with all the in-fighting and weird ideas.

It’s because the big man in the sky doesn’t want a Mormon in the white house.

Easy enough.

What else did I learn?

I heard a rule for visits that one guy follows to a T. It is that you don’t stay more than 3 hours at any function, dinner party or party with friends or family. And you do not stay more than 3 days visiting a person, like on vacation.

When your three hours are up, and you’re in the middle of a sentence with this guy, he just leaves.

Not kidding.

Okay, seems fine enough.

A billboard, or two, taught me that Hell is real.

Got that squared away.

Phew.

Another person told me that evolution isn’t true, because it’s only a bunch of theories. There’s no rationale for how male and female came about. God could have done all of that crazy stuff that scientists say happened over the years. That’s how amazing God is.

Simple enough.

I heard one person question why Muslims hate America so much and yet they move here. The very fact that they don’t scan pork if they work as a cashier in a Target or grocery store, and the fact that Muslim cabbies refuse cab fares if they’ve been drinking renders their actions identifiable as America hate. These stories are from 2007, by the way. Read them here.

Sure. That’s fair.

I also learned on Ellen that Madonna gets up at 10 a.m. and goes to bed at 2 or 3 a.m. while she’s on tour.

I’m now a fairly complete individual.

I also heard that the plot for Mr. Smith Goes to Washington is coming true, and it’s contributing to the destruction of America. Have you ever seen that movie? It’s a 1939 film starring Jimmy Stewart. Stewart is a rookie Senator who finds out that Washington politics are corrupted. And he is a naive, country bumpkin who knows that the old ways were better, you know, when senators connected with their constituents and voted knowing they could vote him out at any election.

It’s a story of men dreaming for a utopian Washington despite it being dystopian.

I can dig that. We all would love to have a perfect world where senators did their job and made sure little Jimmy’s boy scout troupe’s campground didn’t get government funded to be torched and a mall be built in its place.

The other thing I learned during Thanksgiving holiday was that the destruction of America is happening because of women voters.

Women voters.

Now hear me out. I’m told it makes sense.

Women vote with their nests in mind. They vote for the here and the now. Women want what’s best for their babies. So they’ll focus their voting on short sighted things, like welfare and social services.

Men, on the other hand, vote with their futures in mind. Men will go without modern amenities and delicacies.

Doesn’t that make perfect sense?

I’m glad I could take this opportunity to share with you what I learned over the break. That way we can all more forward with these things in mind. And live better, happier lives.

It would delight me to no end if you were so kind to respond to what I learned with what you learned.

Let me know how you feel about what I learned.

I think that would be dreamy.

Albert Einstein (have you heard of him?) sings the hits

 

The word God is for me nothing more than the expression and product of human weaknesses, the Bible a collection of honorable, but still primitive legends which are nevertheless pretty childish. No interpretation no matter how subtle can (for me) change this. These subtilised interpretations are highly manifold according to their nature and have almost nothing to do with the original text.

From a letter Albert Einstein wrote on January 3, 1954 to Eric B. Gutkind (real name). The letter was in German. Did you know Einstein knew more than one language?

I hate when smart people act antagonistically toward religion. It’s insulting. 

More info and context here.

 

Crossing thresholds and reaching milestones

On Monday, I reached a personal goal to run eight miles in one outing. For me it was a milestone.

After reaching 37 years old this month, staying in shape like an 18-year-old ain’t easy. Lemme tell you.

I’m no gym rat. And I’ve never been much of a weight lifter.

As I age, I find it’s incredibly important to do some of the things I never did (like lift weights) and keep up the things I’ve done off and on since high school, i.e. running and playing sports.

I think of it as an investment into my future.

I use an iPhone app called RunKeeper that is an amazing tool for tracking progress as well as encouraging me while running. As you run, a voice comes into my headphones updates me as to my speed, distance, and how big of a douche I am.

It’s incredibly satisfying. Especially when the voice says, “You’ve reached six miles of assholery. Great job.”

When that happens, I leap into the air, throwing my knee up and bringing down an elbow with clenched fist.

Yes!

Running the lakefront is gratifying as it is inspiring. At one moment, an 4′ 11″ tall man will pass me running beside his bike. The next minute, a guy in a wheelchair will pass me pushing with his gloved hands. The next second, a women 30 lbs heavier than I am will scoot past.

The second I feel good about myself, some jackwagon will pass me and remind me how out of shape I am.

It’s also cool, because you can find a “rabbit” or pace setter who might run with you for a while. It’s usually a non-verbal agreement you have with some other runner to go the same pace until one of you bails.

Ahh, Chicago, don’t you love the diversity!

The verity of people exercising on the lakefront reminds me of the diversity in our neighborhoods.

One subject Tina and I talk about a lot is how we’re so grateful for the infrastructure in our city that we pay significantly higher taxes for that allow us to live so well with so many different kinds of people.

We’re reminded constantly that the people around us range from the super rich — driving Ferraris and Lamborghinis – to the super poor, sitting on their asses in front of store fronts begging for change.

The contrast that we see with our suburban friends and family — and I’m talking Chicago Suburbs, not just my NC friends and family in rural NC — is that we’re reminded constantly that the world is full of so many kinds of people.

And maybe our suburban friends see somebody begging at the on or off ramp at the highway, but they aren’t getting passed while running by a guy in a wheelchair.

They aren’t approached three times in a 5 minute walk to the store by homeless people asking for change. They aren’t admiring a Ferrari one second and covering their noses from the stink of a guy hunched over at the waist sleeping (passed-out) at a busstop.

I’m not saying we’re better than they are.

I’m saying we have more reasons — besides what Jesus taught — to contribute to a government infrastructure that supports those in need. We take pride in having higher taxes so that more people can find warm places to sleep at night after having a warm meal.

We think that’s why Chicago is Blue and the rest of this fucking state is bleeding red.

One of my problems is: I think people deserve a place to live with a safety net. I think they deserve a place where they can be fucked up drug addicts. Why? At one time, it was because I was a Christian and I believed that everyone should be saved.

But now, I believe it’s because everyone fucking deserves to be saved.

No matter what the station or place in life.

I’d rather live in a place like Chicago that has a glut of corruption while giving homeless people and drug addicts the possibility of redemption than living in a place where people hide behind their Christianity so they don’t have to help the needy, the poor, and the destitute.

Redundant? I know.

At least we’re corrupt while helping the needy.

Instead of just being corrupt.

 

I think I finally get it!

The graphic above with a quote from Thomas Sowell reads, “I have never understood why it is ‘greed’ to want to keep the money you’ve earned, but not greed to want to take someone else’s money.”

I saw the graphic posted on a conservative Christian friend’s Facebook wall.

It makes sense, right?

Right.

Hell, Christians are the last people to say that all money comes from God, and that money isn’t yours, it’s His.

Nor did Jesus show by example that living within a group and sharing funds within the group was his way of doing things. Twelve disciples + him + one change purse, that’s ridiculous.

And Jesus never, ever said, “If you want to be perfect, go, sell your possessions and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me.”

Not here or anywhere else. 

Following Jesus didn’t mean living in a group-funded band of poor, wandering souls that work tirelessly to heal the sick, help the needy, pickup the downtrodden, pay the bills for enemies’ injuries.

Do believers read their bibles? 

The parable of the Good Samaritan says that the pious, the godly, the believers passed the robbed, beaten man while walking down the road. The man’s enemy — the Samaritan — not only helped the man to safety, he paid his healthcare bills in full.

He went out of his way to check on the man.

That robbed man was greedy for what? Help?

That man may not have needed the funds, but the Samaritan didn’t ask. He helped him anyway.

The greed.

Yeah, fuck that Samaritan guy. What a douche!

What did Jesus say about the man’s enemy who helped him selflessly?

³⁶ “Which of these three do you think was a neighbor to the man who fell into the hands of robbers?”

³⁷ The expert in the law replied, “The one who had mercy on him.”

Jesus told him, “Go and do the opposite.”

Yep, you heard it here first. Jesus didn’t command his followers to follow the example of the Samaritan.

Nooooooooooooo, do the opposite!

Hey guys, I have to let you in on a little secret. Don’t confuse the person in need as greedy.

The person in need may be hooked on drugs, alcohol, cigarettes and foods that aren’t good for them.

But there isn’t a neighbor unworthy of our help.

That’s according to Jesus’s message.

But who am I? An atheist, who takes the bible out of context.

Over and over and over again.

These were the stories — the socialist fucking stories — the Sunday School teachers crammed in our heads as kids.

And that’s all they are to adult Christians … rubbish. Kid’s stuff. Fantasies.

Parables.

What a load of crap!

I guess when you give 10% of your income to the church, that needy, needy, tax-free organization, there’s not any more cash laying around to follow that darn Jesus’s example, his commandments, or his life-style.

We all knew Jesus wanted to confuse people, but you’d think his messaging would be crystal clear to those people who read and study the Word every day.

If I posted crap like the above guy’s quote and in the next breath said, “I love Jesus and you should, too,” I wouldn’t be embarrassed one bit.

Ken Ham Responds to Bill Nye “The Humanist Guy”

Creation Museum founder Ken Ham: ‘Bill Nye really doesn’t understand science’

Via CNs

Arrogance is relative

God meme reads, “Kicks satan out of heaven for being too prideful. Created everything in the entire universe to glorify himself.”

The best thing about this graphic is that it was posted by believing friend Julie Ferwerda.

The conversation that ensued is great, including this line:

Yeah, that’s one of those concepts that never did make sense to me even when I was a good traditional Christian. God demands glory? Why? Doesn’t He already have it? He needs us to realize it to? Why? Does it hurt His feelings? The argument I’ve always heard is that it is for OUR benefit that we need to glorify God. That’s a fine theory. But that does not explain the wrath and mass executions for failing to worship Him the right way. – Josh Foreman

 

 

From the Friendly Atheist: an Interview with a former nun

You can read Hemant Mehta’s full post about Mary Johnson, a nun who worked under Mother Teresa who is now an atheist (here).

It’s a worthy read.

A couple of my favorite parts happen early in the interview. I’ll post it below. Good writing and interviews tend to make me wish I were that person and that I could snatch up their descriptions of their experiences for myself — save the fact she grew up Catholic while I was protestant to the core.

Mary Johnson’s four stages and her emphasis on endless, insatiable inquiry are the before and after of my own journey. Kudos to her.

Could you describe your religious journey?

I think my religious journey has four stages.

Child Mary: God is my best friend. I play priest in the backyard, saying Mass with Kool-aid and potato chips.

Teenaged Mary: God is my truth. I see Mother Teresa on the cover of TIME magazine and sense God calling me to a life of adventurous service as a nun.

Nun Mary: God speaks through my superiors (or so they say) and I try to obey. Sometimes God feels close, mostly life is full of sacrifice and struggle. I am a naughty nun, but I last for twenty years.

Now Mary: I think my own thoughts, am responsible for my own actions and no longer believe in God. Life is an adventure again.

How would you describe your faith, or lack thereof, now? 

I believe in mystery. I believe that we shouldn’t pretend to know what we don’t and that we should ask a lot of questions. I believe that we’re all connected, that every human action affects each of us, that living well means making the world a better place. I believe honesty is more important than tradition, that fostering the common good brings more happiness than self-aggrandizement does. Life is full of meaning and frustration, joy and fear, love and uncertainty — and I enjoy wading into the midst of it all.

Read on. 

Don’t judge them by His followers

 

Since I lack certain levels of evolution, I can’t help but Judge “Dr. Shine.”

A Maryland pastor and longtime televangelist, Robert J. Freeman, a.k.a Dr. Shine, is going to jail for 27 months and was ordered to pay $630,000 to four church members. The Washington Post reports that the ‘Gods Top Gun of deliverance’ pastor lied to bankruptcy courts and hid the church’s assets in order to avoid paying hundreds of thousands of dollars in debts.

Freeman, 56, also convinced church members to take out loans for his multiple cars and $1.75 million waterfront home with five fireplaces, a jet-ski lift and two four-car garages. When the church could not cover the bills, church members were on the hook for the debt, and in some cases lost their homes and jobs.

Freeman served as pastor and leader of Save the Seed Ministry, Inc., Save the Seed International Church, and Seed Faith International Church, with his then-wife, Dee Dee. These entities were incorporated in 1991, 2001 and 2003, respectively.  Shortly after February 2001, Freeman used funds from church members to accumulate substantial assets, including 11 luxury cars valued at over $1,073,000 and a $1.75 million residence in Indian Head, Maryland, which he concealed from the bankruptcy court when he sought a discharge of his debts from the court in 2005.

Read on

In other news, Pat Robinson won’t accept homosexuality until gay men can make a baby come out of their buttholes. What, since that’s where “they” concentrate all their attention.

I say everyone collects butt babies, wraps them in swaddling clothes and sends them to him in the mail.

Via JMG

Lean on your understanding and learn fractions before you throw your eggs in one basket

I saw two bible verses posted on Facebook recently that caught my attention.

Mind you, these are verses that I loved as a Christian. In that way that believers do, I kept them “close to my heart.” By saying that, these were the things I recalled when times were hard or I was troubled.

This one is sort of long so I’m throwing the rest below the fold.