Thirty-five signs that show you’ve destroyed your heritage

Over at Buzzfeed, they worked up a mighty powerful post on “38 Signs you’re from North Carolina.”

It was described as “spot on” and “this is hilarious” by my North Carolina friends.

Well, Buzzfeed, you’re a failure. The ONLY thing you’ve succeeded in is getting attention and hits on your site. But your list sucks.

I opened the article, and read with great hope and tenacity. I figured I would love the way it made me relish in my North Carolina upbringing.

Upon reading, of the 38 signs I’m from North Carolina … I qualified for about 2 or 3 of them.

Insert tail between legs.

Number two is about Cheerwine. I loved Cheerwine growing up. Number two got me.

But I’ve never fought over the best barbecue. I’d argue for my Texas friend’s recipe for beef brisket over NC BBQ any day.

I left NC before Asheville became the beer brewing capital of the state. I didn’t really drink much when I lived there either.

I grew up in a Michiganer’s home, so while we had a firm religious hold, we didn’t say “Y’all.”

Number six is about sweet tea. And while I loved it growing up, that shit is bad for you. It eats your teeth, and makes you love guns and churches with huge stages, drum sets and awful music. Or something.

Number seven is about NASCAR, which is the dumbest, gasoline-wasting, brain-cell depleting “sport” ever. You know how kittens love to watch a toy go around and around in front of their face for long periods? That’s NASCAR. Only cats know when to say “Fuck off” before scratching your hand and taking a nap.

But number eight appeals to my long-guilty pleasure of loving Bojangles. It’s the best fried chicken biscuit … ever. No argument. Shut up.

They are so bad for you, but so good.

Mmmm.

Then there’s a series of things that don’t appeal to me. Collard greens, burgers all the way, the fight over first in flight. Who cares. I never got too upset about Florida license plates. I don’t have a basketball team I love over another. Carolina blue and Duke blue can screw themselves.

Pro sports were not a part of my upbrining.

But the one that hurts the most is the last on the list.

Number 38.

“And even when the state disappoints you, you still ardently defend it.” 

I’m guilty for dragging North Carolina under the bus. It’s responsible for the term “Yeshua Fog,” a place so densely disturbed by unfounded religious tenacity that its citizens often can’t see three feet in front of them.

But what do I know? I live in the Diversity Fog, blinded by all the different views from different ideas. A place that made me turn on my heritage and whine endlessly about it.

 

 

How do you confuse a liberal? The answer is easy!

As you already know, we were traveling over the weekend in Texas.

Going into the trip, I knew my views conflicted with some of Bill’s friends’ views. It’s neither here nor there. I’m used to having views that conflict. I’m not a believer. Most people are. I am a liberal. Lots of people in Texas are not.

And while I have people in my family who openly convey their views and act on their faith and religion, I willfully decline expression unless it’s on this blog. It’s not worth it.

I guess you can say by abstaining from belief practices, I’m practicing my world view. I disagree, though. I go to church when I’m with a church goer. I bow my head and say amen with a prayerful person.

So this weekend was no different than spending it with some of my North Carolina or even my Michigan family.

I thought maybe something would come up that would cause me to retaliate. For the most part, the trip was tame.

I wasn’t nearby when one guy — who had just arrived about 10 minutes previous — was sitting with several Chicago folks including Tina.

Suddenly I heard, “Whoa!!!” and “Oh my goodness!” I think there was a “Wow!!!” Then I heard someone say, “There is no political discussion this weekend.”

Apparently one guy had asked, “Do you know how to confuse a liberal?” And the answer was “With reason and logic.”

Tina was the one that said, “Whoa!!!” Our host was the one who said, “There will be no political discussions this weekend.”

It bothered me that a stranger would walk into a room of Chicagoans and within 10 minutes, make a joke about their potential views. That doesn’t seem very reasoned or logical. If you want to make friends, it seems one would try a little harder.

Take this other guy for example. He waited an entire 24-hours before putting on his t-shirt that read “Infidel” in both Arabic and English. “Nice T-shirt,” I said when I read it.

“Thanks,” he said with a smirk. “We don’t take to their kind around here.”

I assumed their kind was referring to Muslims and here was a deserted location 20 miles from civilization.

We almost started a conversation, but all the Chicago folks let it slide. There was talk of killing muslims, and even then, we rolled our eyes.

For the most part, the Texans were proud of their heritage and made no bones about their gun-lovin’ ways. And why not? They were in the safety of 25,000 acres of country lovin’, white-majority, male-dominated, scorpion-infested, snake-ridden land.

I have to point out that shooting guns is fun. If I lived there, I would consider owning one. Maybe one of those pink 38-Specials. Light weight and the color of my belly.

I feel a little guilty because at one point, a Chicagoan sat down to shoot a sniper rifle. When we saw he was left handed, everyone jabbed him with a comment or two about being a leftie or south pawed.

As it grew quiet, I said, “You know, Nick, you’re going to hell.”

I sensed a little “Huh” moment from our Texan compadres, but no one responded verbally.

It’s no mystery that lefties are hell-bound. Just like me, apparently.

Of course, I am a confused liberal. I’m dimwitted and support unpopular views. Or something.

Tina took the above graffiti photo in a restaurant outside of Dallas. Love how it reflects accurately the oppositional views found in our southern states. You don’t find many people around here who do not accept evolution.

I’ll leave you with this: how do you confuse a conservative? You can’t. They’re cocksure they’re right.

Finally, a book on witchcraft I can use

Learning something new keeps the mind fit and active.

Why not a book on Practical Witchcraft today called, “How to hurt people”?

I mean, seriously.

Via

finally! religious freedom.

It’s about time a protestant figured out how to marry a Catholic and be buried beside them.

 

Read more: Catholic wife and Protestant husband, separated after death by religious bigotry

Go USA!!! Proof we are the greatest nation on the planet!

Where else on earth can children learn vital information to make the rest of the world mock them with great tenacity?

Well, right here in the good ol’ You Ess of Amazing … that’s where.

I mean, look at the above 4th grade test.

That is some doctorate-degree level schtuff!

America, where kids have the freedom to have their parents force them to learn absolute horseshit and stand proud and united because of it.

What? There’s more:

More here at Snopes.

Seen at JMG

 

Finally! A reason to go to church: “Wild mountain man”!

Huisache Baptist Church invites you to come and see the “Wild Mountain Man” as he performs a knife demonstration. He will throw knives at Pastor Cummings as he presents an exciting gospel message. Everyone welcome – Bring a friend.” 

Via 

 

Love to live and live to love Quiet Company!

If you’ve never had a chance to check out Quiet Company live, here’s your fucking chance.

And by chance … I mean distinct, don’t-miss opportunity.

I can’t get enough.

You’ll have to go to Audiotree to watch it, because I can’t embed here.

Set list:

1	Everything Louder Than Everything Else
2	You, Me & The Boatman
3	…And You Said it was Pretty Here
4	The Easy Confidence
5	Preaching to the Choir invisible, Part 1

 

 

You are an April Fool’s Joke

Psalm 14:1: 

The fool^[a] says in his heart,
“There is no God.”
They are corrupt, their deeds are vile;
there is no one who does good.

It says “corrupt” and “vile” in bullet points on my resume.

I’m especially unspecial especially if you consider how special specialness is

I keep seeing this little snippet floating around.

I’ve been sitting on it for a while. Weeks actually. The JPG has been sitting on my desktop, and I open it every once in a while.

The sentiment meant a lot to me when I believed I was saved. And I get the idea that supernatural forgiveness feels good.

But from the outside looking back, I have to say that the psychology behind this thought is a steaming pile of poop.

I’m not bragging, but I’m bragging. 

I’m not special, but I’m connected to a supernatural being that makes me special. 

I am dirty, filthy and ugly, but I shine when I invoke the name of Jesus. Knowing God makes me special … but I’m still ugly … avert your eyes. 

I’m not proud about it, but I’m putting it in front of your face. 

Let’s all agree — at some level — that this is — in fact — prideful, ugly, manipulative, divisive and silly to use expressions like this. If you’re strong enough to say you’re weak, than you can’t be all that weak.

If you’re proud enough to talk about something unseen as if he’s there, you are an insouciant, supercilious douchy person. Sorry, that there’s the stinky truth.

To claim a knowledge of the mystery that is supernatural, unseen, unknowable and too big for words or comprehension, that’s pride.

There is one truth I believe in regarding belief and believers, and that’s the believers are winners. They are going to heaven. They get the reward of all rewards.

There is no more need to brag. There is no more need to trifle over painful failures of the flesh, as they say.

And when you strip away all the belief and thinly veiled pride and “hey, look at me!” ideas … all you’re saying is that you’re human … just like everyone else.

So get on the bandwagon and whip the horses. Let’s do this … without the mumbo jumbo and confusing language.

Seriously.

Full text of the JPG below the fold.

Being old is a choice. No one chooses to grow old.

Did you know old people — who aren’t planning to procreate — are getting married?

We need to stop this blasphemy … NOW!!!

Via