Zillion year old Pat Robertson says, “Do not fight with science. You’ll lose.”

This might be the most sense Pat Robertson has made in a while.

Maybe it’s because he was living in the time of the dinosaurs and his timeline is more accurate.

Regardless, I think there’s more nuggets of truth behind this response to a mother asking about answers in the Bible than he’s letting on.

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Pat Robertson, the cosmic battle rages on. You can’t see it. I can’t see it. But it’s there. Believe me.

And people wonder why other people don’t believe them when they say they have a friend and an enemy, they’re invisible, but they are there.

Well, where are they?

Ask Pat Robertson. He’ll tell you.

And if you don’t believe him, it’s because one of his invisible friends has a hold of mechanism in your head responsible for belief.

When.

Will.

This.

End?

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SATAN IS REAL … He’s right here! Can’t you see him??? Yeah, me neither.

Among the many things in this video that will blow your mind, Pat says, “Burn that statue of Buddha.”

“Demons, these things are real,” He repeats over and over.

Wow.

Uploaded by mediamatters4america on Apr 9, 2012

Roundup of things Pat Robertson claims are demonic, includes among others: yoga, karate, Twilight, homosexuality, tv shows about ghosts, young girls playing levitation games at sleepovers, and (sometimes) adopted children from other countries. More details on Robertson’s demon hunting here: http://mm4a.org/HXQcNe

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It’s quittin’ time. Let’s talk cunnilingus with Pat Robertson

Nothing says red-faced awkward like getting a sex lesson from Pat Robertson.

I take that back. It’s a little entertaining to hear him babble about it.

Just make sure it’s between a husband and a wife. What you do between ya’ll and god is sure-fire okie dokie.

Which is why two men and two women can’t marry.

Obviously.

Oh, I found great info on cunnilingus here at the wiki. Sweet pics and everything. You know what they say, wikipedia is a gateway site to porn.

To be fair, here’s fellatio. Now go off and get edu-mah-cated.

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Make up your mind Pat. Your deity did or didn’t do it?

Is it just me or has Pat Robertson changed his tune about deities sending weather to destroy towns? What did he say about Haiti again? Phew, it was Satan! God’s enemy that he let’s confuse you and tempt you with sex and other great sins.

Robertson says that enough people pray, they can stop a tornado.

Which I guess is where this video comes from in which a woman is praying a tornado away from her home.

Via JMG

Pat Robertson told me Tina and I are not married

In the above video, Pat Robertson says that marriages performed by civil servants or non-religious officiants are not recognized by god.

Which means Tina and I are not officially married. We were married by a mental health professional.

Well, I’ll be a man living in sin. I am an abomination.

And I’m loving every minute of it.

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Pat Robertson: Those Struggling Financially Must Keep Tithing

If you aren’t tithing, how can you expect to receive an invisible being’s blessings?

Obviously, you must pay to receive the free gift of grace and salvation.

It makes complete sense.

About the video:

Pat Robertson tells a woman who can’t pay her mortgage or bills that she’s just not managing her money properly and must keep tithing if she wants God’s blessing.

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And on the eighteen thousand and fifty-nine billionth day, God said, “Fuck you, Pat Robertson.”

Soon to be bopped in the nose Julie Ferwerda recently posted a sweet-ass article to my Facebook wall.

It was for this parody article titled: “In rare public statement, God tells Pat Robertson to Shut the Fuck up.”

Julie wrote: “Thought this would give you another sinister grin.” She was referring to this.

I responded with, “Thanks. This is awesome.”

To which my paternal grandmother — a facebook lover and advocate — responded, “I know God does not talk like that!!!!!!!”

See what you did, Julie, you got my grandma involved!!!!!!!!

Notice how my grandmother and I love exclamations exclamations. We’re cut from the same thread.

You should know that it wasn’t my grandmother who responded. It was one of my aunts, who uses my grandmother as an alternative account to increase her points on Facebook games.

Whatever.

I wrote back: “Really? Are you sure, Opoe?”  (Opoe is our term for grandma)

I knew it wasn’t her. I was fishing for a response … and credit card information.

My grandma responded: “This is your aunt [so and so]. I know God doesn’t talk like that and neither do I!!!”

I happen to talk like that, so I don’t give a fuck about the language. My point is not the language, but the message. Someone needs to tell people like Pat Robertson to shut the fuck up.

Hey, Pat Robertson … shut the fuck up!

Here was my response (which I’m sure is going to get some play at family reunions that I’m rarely a part of):

I figured it wasn’t Opoe.

I hope God talks like that. It’d be much more realistic to conversational speech.

Maybe he said “Pat Robertson, shut the frick up” or “shut your stinking can, Pat Robertson” or “Clamp your darn mouth, Pat Robertson” and it got lost in translation.

Someone with authority needs to tell that guy to shut it. He’s making perfectly good and reasonable people look badly.

It shows that the guy with the infrastructure, the cameras, the sound equipment and the mouth aren’t always the best person to speak for the majority.

Yeah, I said it. And I mean it. I say “reasonable”, and I’ve been criticized for it before. I believe that the believers I know are “reasoned”. It may not be the reasoning that I agree with, but …

Was that response disrespectful? Sure.

Was it right? I think so.

No one gets Carte Blanche to say what he wants without criticism.

No one.

Not even me.

Give me what you’ve got … I can take it.