Life Savers bring back memories

Stan over at TYWKIWDBI posted this photo and caption: “Life Saver factory, 1956“

Many of you know I grew up in a religious home.

And over the life of this blog, I’ve wrestled the loss of faith and battled and barraged faith with gusto. Lately, I’ve backed off a bit on berating faith.

Okay, I haven’t backed off completely.

The way I saw it, if I was taught to love Jesus, loved Jesus and fell out of love after 25 or so years, the least I could have was four or five years to publicly whine about it.

My years in faith weren’t all that bad. There are good memories as well. Memories with Life Savers.

You see, every Sunday, we drove to church. On the way out the door, my mom would grab rolls of Life Savers from a drawer in the island of our kitchen. You probably had a similar drawer. It was the drawer between the miscellaneous screws, screw drivers, a hammer and some wires. And on the other side, there was a drawer of snack bags and aluminum foil.

But that one drawer kept little snacks, hard candies and a the like.

My mom kept rolls of Life Savers to give us at church.

Church services were approximately an hour. The first half hour were always sit-down-stand-up prayers/songs/calls to worship. A scripture was read. You sing standing. You sat down for one. The collection plate was passed.

For the first 30 minutes, my parents expected me to pay attention.

But for some reason, my parents didn’t expect me to pay attention during the sermon. During that time, I could draw or read the kid’s paper that we got in Sunday School. And it was during the sermon we got our roll — an entire roll — of Life Savers.

The moment was clockwork. The congregation quieted for the sermon. Everyone would rock on their butts to find that right spot that felt a little comfortable in uncomfortable pews. The wood creaked a little up front, then in the back, then up front to the left.

My mom would reach for her purse, dig inside, and remove a roll and place it in my hand. I looked at the roll. Turned it over in my hands. I slid the paper casing up and down. Then I removed it, and stuck it over my middle finger. I tested its strength by bending my finger.

Then, the paper would give and rip at my knuckle.

The roll was now a silver tube with a little red pull string at one end. It was a little stick of dynamite. A bomb … ready to go off.

I would pull that little red string and the silver foil paper would tear in a circle. Under the foil, there is another layer of white wax paper. Red and orange were always first, and I usually saved my red until after I finished the first orange and green. But it wasn’t good to eat two reds one after the other.

It took just about 20 or 25 minutes to go through an entire roll.

I presume that the Life Savers were a ploy to keep us quiet. And over time, their purpose might have been forgotten, because they became tradition.

Each flavor became something of a tease. I didn’t really like green, but it was a necessary evil to get back to red. Yellows were savory, but oranges could go to hell.

The whites were, well, okay.

And no matter how many times I ate a roll, it always surprised me to see a green at the end.

The week’s at church when mom forgot the roll of Life Savers were always unwelcome. Yeah, my dad had a Dutch mint, but it wasn’t a roll of Dutch mints.

I haven’t had a Life Saver in, what, fifteen years.

I think I’ll have a roll for lunch.

 

 

 

Like stoking the fire in my brain

Some asshole posted this on Facebook:

It reads:

Timothy McVeigh didn’t use a gun.

• Killed 168 innocent people.

• Killed 19 children under age 6

• Injured over 680 Innocent People

• You can still buy fertilizer

• You can still buy racing fuel.

• You can still rent box trucks.

Murderers will murder with or without a gun. Guns are not the problem.

I’m sharing this, because if you think these things, that’s up to you. And if gun loving assholery is your game, let me help you burn your photos of Jesus, your bibles, and your entire idea of love and belief.

If you think guns are not the problem, tell that to the people who love these people:

 

My heart hurts about Friday.

My brain hurts.

And this conversation is too bogged down with pain for any of you to invoke the idea that guns aren’t the problem.

Maybe they aren’t the problem.

But they are in the formula.

And there appears to be a slew of beautiful people who could be spared pain, torture and agony if a dumbfuck didn’t get his hands on guns and ammunition on Friday morning.

Please let us all mourn without questioning whether guns are the problem.

Please.

Pretty fucking please.

 

 

Everybody has a reaction to yesterday’s shooting

Your ears and eyes are likely jammed with images and words about the shooting yesterday in Sandy Hook Connecticut.

You may have heard that the killer’s name was Adam Lanza. He was 20. And not only did he kill his mother (possibly), I read his girlfriend and another friend are missing.

Likely, your Facebook feeds are stuffed with responses.

Of course there are those who blame the video games. The POV shooters. I have a hard time on that one. I wonder about those games desensitizing some people who might be prone to mental illness.

People are blaming that there aren’t enough emphasis on mental illness in this country.

People are citing the meme about far less shooting deaths in other countries with far less belief in God.

Many people are focusing on religious responses on Facebook. You know, I’ll pray for the victims. I’ll pray for the suspect.

Others: gun control. I have one friend who deleted someone for going too far to evangelical land and blaming liberal atheists.

That guy said, “I don’t know what I believe about god, but if that god allowed such things to happen, I’m not sure I could believe in that god.”

I don’t think the guy saw the irony.

I have another friend saying that Obama should have made a stronger stand during his press conference on what he’s going to do to make sure this never happens again.

On my blog, this post is getting mad hits. At the link, I posted a screen cap of a Facebook conversation with a girl who posted that stupid meme,

“Dear God, why do you allow so much violence in our schools? Signed a concerned student.

[BREAK]

“Dear concerned student, I’m not allowed in schools. God.”

Another friend on Facebook ranted about Mike Huckabee and how he is complaining without God in schools, violence is going to happen.

God has no control over an elementary school because, while there might be people who claim Christianity there, one established religion isn’t allowed. So he is killing or allowing the murder of innocent children?

My point is that my non-religious friends are up in arms. My religious friends are up in arms.

Hell, I just did a count for how many pages on Facebook have been started that read, “Adam Lanza [the killer] burn in hell”. There are about 24.

There’s Facebook page, Adam Lanza Connecticut shooter rot in hell.

I realize these are coping mechanisms. But I can’t help but criticize this as tomfoolery and an embarrassment to other believers. But other believers don’t speak up against it, that I hear.

I don’t have kids. Things like what happened yesterday make me wonder if not having kids is generally okay.

If I had to deal with the heartache. The turmoil of even telling a child today about what happened.

That a mass shooting could happen in his or her school. That he or she could be in a situation to fend for his or her life.

Bad things happen to good people.

Evil things happen to children.

My heart breaks thinking about it in a hypothetical situation.

Or you could lie to your children and yourself and not tell them anything. Keep on living in your utopian garden.

There are several frustrating things about this whole catastrophe. And there is little that betrays my understanding of the world more than when someone writes or says, “Thank God my family, my children, my friends are safe.”

As if one person has the magic connection to Jesus to keep this far from them.

As if God went out of his way to keep you from this same pain.

As if some people actually deserved this pain.

There’s one thing you won’t hear, among the people cheering on Adam Lanza’s burning in hell, and that’s: well, at least these children are alive again in heaven.

At least we can bask in the glory that these children are with their maker. That they’ve been healed. They are not in pain, but in glory.

This is one of the reasons I don’t believe.

Because no matter the incident. No matter the death count.

People will yell with certainty that Adam Lanza is burning in hell.

But no one, not until the funerals, will anyone stand in front of the country and say, “These children are better now. Better off. They are wearing silken white robes.”

Because as much as this country wants everyone to believe. And as much as they claim 85% believe.

The atheistic tendencies of people speak louder than they think.

I don’t have the answers. I don’t blame godlessness. I don’t blame god. I can’t blame satan either. I can’t find any proof that those guys exist.

The way I understand religion, I thought Jesus would be the first to offer Adam Lanza salvation.

I thought Jesus would intervene before hand instead of letting his “creation” be trampled by “evil.”

There are answers, though. And those answers could point us to solutions.

And if there is any glory and honor, we’ll fight to make sure this never happens again.

 

****UPDATE*** I was wrong. People are saying that the kids are celebrating in heaven. See here *******

Mitt Romney shows how nuts he is and then how human he is in one fell clip

So there’s the clip above, and you should watch it.

It shows you how nutballs the Mormon faith is. And it’s amazing to me that I come from a home where Mormonism was the bottom of the barrel in terms of religions.

And between Mormonism and Democrats, Mormonism is more warmly received.

So when I go home during this holiday season, my parents would rather share their time with a Mormon than a liberal — a person who wants people to be treated fairly, equally and like Jesus would treat them.

Republicans are voting for a person who thinks Jesus descended on Missouri — the NEW!!! Jerusalem — than a person who advocates science and human welfare.

That’s how it is. I just need to accept it.

Billy Fucking Graham would rather remove Mormonism defined as a cult on his web site than have the liberal — who sides with Christianity — get back into office for another four years.

This world is messed up.

There is division in this country, and I can’t help but point in one direction as to who is culpable for pushing the divide.

Answer me this, believers, when Romney advocates siding with Jerusalem, does he mean the Missouri one or the one in the middle east?

Just so we are all clear, don’t ask Romney about his religion. Don’t ask him about his taxes. Don’t ask him about his plan to reduce taxes. And definitely don’t ask him about FEMA.

What do we talk about when we sit down for dinner?

Sandy brings us three steps closer to the apocalypse!

The above photo was taken at Avenue C on the lower East side in Manhattan. Wow, right?

See the original on Instagram here.

If you’re like me, you’ve been watching the Internets with great curiosity as Sandy unfolded its powerful arms and unleashed the giant storm onto the northeast.

As she used her fire-hose powered water cannons protruding from her mile-wide nipples and sprayed water and winds over the northeast.

I’m no bible scholar, but I get the feeling — from an ignorant reading of biblical text — that the apocalyptic end of the world is coming soon.

Every second. Every minute. Every hour. Every week. 

Every month.

Every year.

Every two years.

Every decade.

Every … shit … what comes between decade and millennia?

Centurion ski boats?

All I know is, the more time that passes between Jesus’s promise and a cataclysmic storm like Sandy … excuse me … a providentially-predicted storm like Sandy … we get closer to the almighty return.

We don’t know the hour. We don’t know the place.

But we do know that “this generation” — this one right now! — will not pass before Jesus returns.

Even so, when you see these things happening, you know that it^[d] is near, right at the door. ³⁰ Truly I tell you, this generation will certainly not pass away until all these things have happened. ³¹ Heaven and earth will pass away, but my words will never pass away.

Keep in mind, it might be the next generation, just in case this one passes and the next one starts.

But be ready!

It’s coming. And perfectly natural disasters are ushering us closer and closer to the pending apocalypse.

By the way, I am not relieved that Cindy Jacob’s prayers were unanswered.

That means only one thing.

We are alone.

While Jesus is trying to beat Ba’al’s Angry Birds score.

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Image via JMG

What Stan at TYWKIWDBI is posting

As many of you know, I have a hard time not re-blogging almost everything that Minnesotastan posts at TYWKIWDBI.  Here are some highly-recommended things to check out at his blog right now:

• Supercomet scheduled to arrive in 2013
• Here’s what to do with your toenail clippings
• Controversy! A modern Confederacy?
• Apropos and possibly a must read: Jesus in the Quran
• Science: Amazon Milk Frog

 

 

Finally! We have proof that Satan exists. Phew!

Kelly Fenton (@kellyfen283 ) tweeted, “#MyFirstTime ad by #Obama is similar to an ad #Putin did. They must share the same advisor: #Satan #RussianStyleTactics #tcot”.

Here’s the ad in question.

I love that Kelly Fenton thinks Satan exists. No photos. No video. No proof. But Satan, the enemy of god, exists. Really. And he informs Obama and his supporters how to think.

Wait a minute. That makes me … possessed by Satan.

Unlike Fenton, I have video proof of her existence. And don’t tell anyone, but Jesus Christ makes an appearance in this video, too. If you tell anyone, it will shatter the atheist agenda! So shhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Via JMG

 

 

 

CJ Sullivan sings the hits

Chicago comic CJ Sullivan tweeted this morning, “Pretty rude of Jesus not to turn his body into cheese to go with the wine.”

Maybe we got it all wrong about Jesus. His name is Cheesus and he wanted us to remember him by celebrating with wine and cheeses.

He didn’t want you to invite him into your heart. Heart in Aramaic is indecipherable from the word for stomach.

Won’t you join me in inviting Cheesus and Wine into your tum this glorious Sunday morning?

Follow CJ on Twitter.

Ah, hell nah! Heaven is real … and if your doctor says it, it must be true

Discussion’s over guys. Heaven is real. Newsweek has an exclusive story with one doctor who claims it’s true.

Therefore it is.

Done and done.

Stick a fork in that topic and have a feast.

How come no one ever has NHEs?

Near Hell Experiences?

Anyone?

I mean, except for starving children in America and abroad. Except for battered women with violent husbands. Except for little girls who are raped by men old enough to be their grandfathers.

Except for children who are “friends” with priests who can’t control their libidos.

Not those Near Hell experiences. Ones where the individual goes into a coma and instead of passing toward light and Jesus, they see Satan.

It must be that Satan doesn’t exist!

Weeeeee! See how easy stupid logic is.

More about the cover here and here.

 

Crossing thresholds and reaching milestones

On Monday, I reached a personal goal to run eight miles in one outing. For me it was a milestone.

After reaching 37 years old this month, staying in shape like an 18-year-old ain’t easy. Lemme tell you.

I’m no gym rat. And I’ve never been much of a weight lifter.

As I age, I find it’s incredibly important to do some of the things I never did (like lift weights) and keep up the things I’ve done off and on since high school, i.e. running and playing sports.

I think of it as an investment into my future.

I use an iPhone app called RunKeeper that is an amazing tool for tracking progress as well as encouraging me while running. As you run, a voice comes into my headphones updates me as to my speed, distance, and how big of a douche I am.

It’s incredibly satisfying. Especially when the voice says, “You’ve reached six miles of assholery. Great job.”

When that happens, I leap into the air, throwing my knee up and bringing down an elbow with clenched fist.

Yes!

Running the lakefront is gratifying as it is inspiring. At one moment, an 4′ 11″ tall man will pass me running beside his bike. The next minute, a guy in a wheelchair will pass me pushing with his gloved hands. The next second, a women 30 lbs heavier than I am will scoot past.

The second I feel good about myself, some jackwagon will pass me and remind me how out of shape I am.

It’s also cool, because you can find a “rabbit” or pace setter who might run with you for a while. It’s usually a non-verbal agreement you have with some other runner to go the same pace until one of you bails.

Ahh, Chicago, don’t you love the diversity!

The verity of people exercising on the lakefront reminds me of the diversity in our neighborhoods.

One subject Tina and I talk about a lot is how we’re so grateful for the infrastructure in our city that we pay significantly higher taxes for that allow us to live so well with so many different kinds of people.

We’re reminded constantly that the people around us range from the super rich — driving Ferraris and Lamborghinis – to the super poor, sitting on their asses in front of store fronts begging for change.

The contrast that we see with our suburban friends and family — and I’m talking Chicago Suburbs, not just my NC friends and family in rural NC — is that we’re reminded constantly that the world is full of so many kinds of people.

And maybe our suburban friends see somebody begging at the on or off ramp at the highway, but they aren’t getting passed while running by a guy in a wheelchair.

They aren’t approached three times in a 5 minute walk to the store by homeless people asking for change. They aren’t admiring a Ferrari one second and covering their noses from the stink of a guy hunched over at the waist sleeping (passed-out) at a busstop.

I’m not saying we’re better than they are.

I’m saying we have more reasons — besides what Jesus taught — to contribute to a government infrastructure that supports those in need. We take pride in having higher taxes so that more people can find warm places to sleep at night after having a warm meal.

We think that’s why Chicago is Blue and the rest of this fucking state is bleeding red.

One of my problems is: I think people deserve a place to live with a safety net. I think they deserve a place where they can be fucked up drug addicts. Why? At one time, it was because I was a Christian and I believed that everyone should be saved.

But now, I believe it’s because everyone fucking deserves to be saved.

No matter what the station or place in life.

I’d rather live in a place like Chicago that has a glut of corruption while giving homeless people and drug addicts the possibility of redemption than living in a place where people hide behind their Christianity so they don’t have to help the needy, the poor, and the destitute.

Redundant? I know.

At least we’re corrupt while helping the needy.

Instead of just being corrupt.