Thirty-five signs that show you’ve destroyed your heritage

Over at Buzzfeed, they worked up a mighty powerful post on “38 Signs you’re from North Carolina.”

It was described as “spot on” and “this is hilarious” by my North Carolina friends.

Well, Buzzfeed, you’re a failure. The ONLY thing you’ve succeeded in is getting attention and hits on your site. But your list sucks.

I opened the article, and read with great hope and tenacity. I figured I would love the way it made me relish in my North Carolina upbringing.

Upon reading, of the 38 signs I’m from North Carolina … I qualified for about 2 or 3 of them.

Insert tail between legs.

Number two is about Cheerwine. I loved Cheerwine growing up. Number two got me.

But I’ve never fought over the best barbecue. I’d argue for my Texas friend’s recipe for beef brisket over NC BBQ any day.

I left NC before Asheville became the beer brewing capital of the state. I didn’t really drink much when I lived there either.

I grew up in a Michiganer’s home, so while we had a firm religious hold, we didn’t say “Y’all.”

Number six is about sweet tea. And while I loved it growing up, that shit is bad for you. It eats your teeth, and makes you love guns and churches with huge stages, drum sets and awful music. Or something.

Number seven is about NASCAR, which is the dumbest, gasoline-wasting, brain-cell depleting “sport” ever. You know how kittens love to watch a toy go around and around in front of their face for long periods? That’s NASCAR. Only cats know when to say “Fuck off” before scratching your hand and taking a nap.

But number eight appeals to my long-guilty pleasure of loving Bojangles. It’s the best fried chicken biscuit … ever. No argument. Shut up.

They are so bad for you, but so good.

Mmmm.

Then there’s a series of things that don’t appeal to me. Collard greens, burgers all the way, the fight over first in flight. Who cares. I never got too upset about Florida license plates. I don’t have a basketball team I love over another. Carolina blue and Duke blue can screw themselves.

Pro sports were not a part of my upbrining.

But the one that hurts the most is the last on the list.

Number 38.

“And even when the state disappoints you, you still ardently defend it.” 

I’m guilty for dragging North Carolina under the bus. It’s responsible for the term “Yeshua Fog,” a place so densely disturbed by unfounded religious tenacity that its citizens often can’t see three feet in front of them.

But what do I know? I live in the Diversity Fog, blinded by all the different views from different ideas. A place that made me turn on my heritage and whine endlessly about it.

 

 

How do you confuse a liberal? The answer is easy!

As you already know, we were traveling over the weekend in Texas.

Going into the trip, I knew my views conflicted with some of Bill’s friends’ views. It’s neither here nor there. I’m used to having views that conflict. I’m not a believer. Most people are. I am a liberal. Lots of people in Texas are not.

And while I have people in my family who openly convey their views and act on their faith and religion, I willfully decline expression unless it’s on this blog. It’s not worth it.

I guess you can say by abstaining from belief practices, I’m practicing my world view. I disagree, though. I go to church when I’m with a church goer. I bow my head and say amen with a prayerful person.

So this weekend was no different than spending it with some of my North Carolina or even my Michigan family.

I thought maybe something would come up that would cause me to retaliate. For the most part, the trip was tame.

I wasn’t nearby when one guy — who had just arrived about 10 minutes previous — was sitting with several Chicago folks including Tina.

Suddenly I heard, “Whoa!!!” and “Oh my goodness!” I think there was a “Wow!!!” Then I heard someone say, “There is no political discussion this weekend.”

Apparently one guy had asked, “Do you know how to confuse a liberal?” And the answer was “With reason and logic.”

Tina was the one that said, “Whoa!!!” Our host was the one who said, “There will be no political discussions this weekend.”

It bothered me that a stranger would walk into a room of Chicagoans and within 10 minutes, make a joke about their potential views. That doesn’t seem very reasoned or logical. If you want to make friends, it seems one would try a little harder.

Take this other guy for example. He waited an entire 24-hours before putting on his t-shirt that read “Infidel” in both Arabic and English. “Nice T-shirt,” I said when I read it.

“Thanks,” he said with a smirk. “We don’t take to their kind around here.”

I assumed their kind was referring to Muslims and here was a deserted location 20 miles from civilization.

We almost started a conversation, but all the Chicago folks let it slide. There was talk of killing muslims, and even then, we rolled our eyes.

For the most part, the Texans were proud of their heritage and made no bones about their gun-lovin’ ways. And why not? They were in the safety of 25,000 acres of country lovin’, white-majority, male-dominated, scorpion-infested, snake-ridden land.

I have to point out that shooting guns is fun. If I lived there, I would consider owning one. Maybe one of those pink 38-Specials. Light weight and the color of my belly.

I feel a little guilty because at one point, a Chicagoan sat down to shoot a sniper rifle. When we saw he was left handed, everyone jabbed him with a comment or two about being a leftie or south pawed.

As it grew quiet, I said, “You know, Nick, you’re going to hell.”

I sensed a little “Huh” moment from our Texan compadres, but no one responded verbally.

It’s no mystery that lefties are hell-bound. Just like me, apparently.

Of course, I am a confused liberal. I’m dimwitted and support unpopular views. Or something.

Tina took the above graffiti photo in a restaurant outside of Dallas. Love how it reflects accurately the oppositional views found in our southern states. You don’t find many people around here who do not accept evolution.

I’ll leave you with this: how do you confuse a conservative? You can’t. They’re cocksure they’re right.

Yes! There are more good people in North Carolina.

From The Daily What … Cheezburger:

The Green Street United Methodist Church in North Carolina is refusing to perform any marriages until same-sex marriage is legally recognized by the state. The announcement comes in conflict with the official laws and doctrines of the United Methodist Church, which lists homosexuality as a practice that is “incompatible with Christian teaching.” In the meantime, the church will be holding “relationship blessings” as an alternative to marriage ceremonies.

My brother went to heaven and sent me back a picture

My brother is a gigantic music lover.

He’s a musician and he performs as much as he can. He’s nothing short of an audiophile, as well.

When we were growing up, his taste in music was so vast and somewhat esoteric. We lived in podunk North Carolina, but he somehow knew about bands that even Tina is surprised I know about.

I’m really not sure who influenced him, but he’s always been my influence for new, fresh and great music.

To give you some idea how nuts he is about great music and sound, he bought a lot of vinyl records over the course of a year or more. But he didn’t own a record player to play them.

He knew what he wanted, and bought records when he could afford them and then the “right” record player when the time came.

That, dear reader, is dedication.

Right now, my sister-in-law and he are in Los Angeles. He sent me the above panorama taken at Amoeba Records, which according to him is, “Biggest record shop I’ve ever seen…amazing.”

Click to enlarge!

 

A 365 Photo-a-day project that makes our 365 Peeper Dee Project look like trailer trash

 

 

Photographer Aaron Nace recently moved to Chicago from North Carolina, and he opened a studio for making videos to help others learn Photoshop. It’s called Phlearn.

Our partner Bill Whitmire knew of Aaron before he moved here, and when he found out he landed in Chicago, he looked him up.

Now that I know him, I can’t help but be completely jealous of his ability. He’s a super cool guy, and frankly, I’d like to selfishly be his only friend so I can mooch soak up his vast knowledge.

In 2008, he challenged himself to a 365 Photo project. Only, his photos were well-though-out, heavily photoshopped images that will — frankly — blow your minds.

Above is just one. Go check his Flickr feed for the project and be inspired.

From his mind about the project:

Be prepared to get really sick of seeing this face. Average time spent to get photo as of now:

Planning 1-2hr
Setup 10min-1hr
Shooting 30min-1hr
Total 2-4hr

Finding an extra 3 hours everyday might get tough, looks like someone is going to have to get more efficient. Or sleep less.

I am going to try and take a (semi)interesting photo for all of the 365, so if I skip a day it pretty much means I didn’t find the time to do anything interesting, and didn’t feel like posting total crap.

 

 

See you next Tuesday Anne Graham Lotz: Pornography Sign of End Times

Anne Graham Lotz says that pornography — a non-human army —  is seeping into society like a locust invasion. It’s destroying culture, and it’s a sign of the end times.

If by “sign of the end times” she means a rise in my Levis, well, spot on good, Anne. You’ve nailed it right on the head.

You’ve splattered the truth right over your own face.

You’ve predicted the battle of the bulge against my shorts. You’ve prophesied the tent making skills of the one-eyed monster wearing a skin turtleneck.

What’s that? Huh.

Speak up. I am having trouble understanding.

Anne Graham Lotz thinks pornography will usher in the apocalypse and she’s not happy about it?

Is she a freaking idiot?

The end times equals an early meeting with her savior Jesus. She’ll finally meet her maker and she’s talking like it’s a bad thing?

Well, shrivel me wieners.

What a prude.

I like your spray tan, Anne. And your necklace.

They make me think of this sweet porn site that my Christian friends told me about.

Honk

Via JMG

Say no to jobs

Tina and I were scheduled to do some architecture photography this morning.

After talking to the client several times over the past few weeks, we negotiated a lower rate that they requested. But we wrote a contract that specified that the images they were going to get wouldn’t live up to the quality that we could give with a larger budget. If they wanted better images, we wrote in the pricing they should anticipate. We wrote that any images we used for professional promotion would get that treatment, but that they would have to pay for those images should they choose to use them.

You see, photos out of camera are rarely “pro”. And by that, I mean, photos need work for the most part for a myriad of reasons. Contrast, focus, color and saturation are typically the first things to move. And there are many layers of additional work after that which can be done.

Last night at 10:45 p.m., the client sent over 60 images from another photographer that the client had mixed feelings about, but she didn’t say which ones worked and which ones didn’t.

Keep in mind — this was the night before we were to shoot at sunrise.

I could see why the images were pro. But the client didn’t get corrected images. So they saw mixed light. They saw things that they shouldn’t have, because a pro would remove them.

So I drew up an email that said, essentially, go fuck yourself. We’re not going to a job that we are destined to fail. I’ve made that mistake before.

Call me crazy.

Let’s put it this way. Say you’re an architect and someone hands you a hand-drawn set of blueprints that didn’t use a ruler or T-square and said, “Build me this building. Make sure it is properly built and fulfills all modern needs and requirements.”

You’d get the rough equivilent of a 12-year old’s treehouse.

Take the shot that I posted yesterday. It wasn’t my favorite from the day, but I get itchy about sharing images. You’ll see the original is a little dark. It’s crooked. The color is weird, and the light is wonky on the model’s face.

In the worked image, I straightened it adding sand to the lower left. I brightened her eyes. Replaced texture in her hair. Ironed out some of the wrinkles in her dress. Gave the fogginess in the background a little more contrast. And if you look closer, I removed a little guy in the water hundreds of feet away and a plane in the air.

 

This isn’t even that great of an example. And frankly, there’s still work that I would do if I were to really use this one.

I called the client this morning to discuss. Of course they were frustrated. But talking it through helped, and we talked about a reschedule. Oddly enough, the client kept putting her foot in her mouth. She’d say, “After using all these high-dollar photographers, we want to use you because you’re giving us this cheap rate.” Great, so now I’m cheap and someone they can push around?

She also made on other comment before she made one that I almost hung up the phone over.

The client explained that they were going to North Carolina on Thursday, and would love to have it by then.

I said, “Oh cool, where in North Carolina?” I’m from there. I’m always interested.

She said, “Does it matter? Everyone there are homophobes and rednecks! It’s a huge contrast to Brooklyn where I’m from.”

So, North Carolina, if you’re reading this … you have a reputation with those liberal New Yorkers. Doesn’t it suck to be lumped in with the jerks and the low-lifes?

I’m sure atheists don’t understand at all.

Honk.

Global Warm this: If Crazy was a horse race, North Carolina is taking the lead

When Science hands North Carolina hard, indisputable facts about Global Warming, North Carolina knows what to do with it.

Just like a Yeshua Fog parent with a gay child, they ignore him, that’s what.

They throw him or her out with the bathwater.

Ignorance … [strong inhale] … that’s the shit, man.

Cough. Cough.

Cough.

From that liberal rag the LA Times:

As a coastal state, North Carolina faces the same global climate challenges of rising sea levels and turbulent weather that island countries and other coastal regions have begun to confront, and to ask what to do next: Do they build walls? Draw their population inland and upland?

Here’s the NoCa solution: pretend it’s not happening. Pass a law saying it can’t happen because we say it can’t. Which is to say, ban any government agency from using the standard scientific tools like extrapolating data to figure out what’s happening, and thus avoid all those scary, silly scientific facts and figures.

North Carolina cannot get out of the spotlight. With her batting down of the homos left and right and now the blind-eye turning, Global-Warming avoiding perspective they’re now legislating … we can only hope someone is right and Jesus comes back to swoop up all these yahoos into the heavens.

Just kidding. I have no proof that Jesus is ever coming back. It’s not like, say, Global Warming or anything.

Besides family and friends live in NC. Or NoCa as the article writes.

Let’s all bow our heads into our open palms and shake our heads back and forth.

What else can we do?

The Crazy is winning the horserace in NoCa, and nobody noticed my sweet-ass, larger-than-Audrey-Hepburn’s hat that I’ve been wearing.

What a bummer.

Thanks, Xina!

North Carolina you’re famous! You made it to Al Jazeera!

Published on Jun 6, 2012 by AlJazeeraEnglish

The rural US town of Maiden in North Carolina has become the latest flashpoint in an often bitter national debate about gay rights.

Arguments from either side intensified after President Barack Obama earlier this month declared his support for gay marriage.

In rural America’s so called, “Bible Belt”, many pastors have been rhetorical and at times hateful in their condemnation.

A recent sermon posted online by a pastor, in which he outlines a plan to imprison homosexuals behind an electric fence and keep them there until they die, has gone viral.

Al Jazeera’s Kimberly Halkett reports from Maiden.

Via JMG

The embarrassment brigade continues: NC Pastor Calls For Death of ‘Queers & Homosexuals’

Pastor Charles L. Worley of Providence Road Baptist Church — located at 3283 Providence Mill Rd, Maiden, NC 28650 — is seen here from a service posted to the church’s website dated May 13, 2012 calling for the starvation and ultimate death of “queers and homosexuals.”