July 20

Today I’ll be shooting downtown at the Merchandise Mart for a half-day video gig. I’m shooting a local business woman this afternoon. While I’m gone, I’ve opened up this thread for any one to go nuts. So all you taciturns and viagra-dealing trolls, here’s your opportunity to get your message out. This offer ends tomorrow, so spam me like you’ve never spamed before.

Or just write something nice. You know who you are.

🙂

An Open Letter to Adam Sandler

Dear Adam Sandler,

I rented “Paul Blart: Mall Cop” last night on AppleTV. I see you were the major production company behind the picture.

I expect more from you.

You hired a bad director, a super bad casting director, and some god-awful photographer. Then you put it in a cheap-ass editing device and shitty editor sat behind it and heaped the worst picture of all time onto the market like we all drink Colt 45, wear mullets, chew tobacco and lust after women with a higher “black tooth to white tooth” ratio.

Kevin James acted as if Paul Blart were a confused idiot with an oedipal crisis and a hard-on for pie while having amazing confidence with HOT women but became a bumbling fool when faced with douchebag pen salesmen. How the hell did you get by with that characterization? And apart from sex appeal, who cast such a sexy, skinny, angel-eyed actress across from fat-ass King of Queens?

Did you make your 90 minute comedy movie threshold, because that scene in the restaurant when James gets sloshed was 45 minutes too long. The transition from “not welcome at the party” to “TGIF-sized nacho cheese platter eat off” between James and fat African American was like transitioning from burning my face in blazing hot oil and sticking it straight into a bucket of lemon juice and diced habamero peppers.

It was dumber than using a character written in the script as a stereotypical Indian and casting him as a computer nerd with a penchant for answering phones, you cheap-ass douchebag.

Being locked up in a mall with skateboards and Parkour ability would be a dream. This movie amounted to how much fun I would have on a bigwheel and a skateboard with training wheels.

I laughed only at the physical gags. I did NOT laugh once at a delivery or a scripted dialogue gag. I scoffed at sight gags (like James using a little girl’s mobile phone). Does that count as laughing?

I don’t blame the production team. I blame you. And if it’s not your fault; the asshole(s) that fronted the money for the picture should find a cheap ruler and smack his other hand for the rest of his life.

Sincerely,

Jeremy “I want my money back” Witteveen

P.S. I really liked “Big Daddy” (no kidding) and “Punch Drunk Love”. I liked “Big Daddy,” because I was adopted, and it hit something deep inside. And Leslie Mann was a good cast.