Open Letter to M. Night Shyamalan-ah-ding-dong

Dear Mr. Night Shyamalan,

MrShyamalanI finally got a chance to watch “The Happening” this weekend while at a friend’s house who pays for HBO. Wow, could you please send me the name and number of the person(s) responsible for funding your last few films? Are they just Sam Mercer and Barry Mendel? I would like to tell each one of them that they’ve been conned into funding your awful motion pictures.

We watched “Mr. Magoriums Wonder Emporium”, “Vantage Point” and “Out of Time” over the weekend. All three movies were better than “The Happening”, and all three of them were subpar to shitty.

Denzel Washington’s “Out of Time” was cinema fail 500, and it was still better than “The Happening”. The celluloid that “Vantage Point” was shot on is worth more than “The Happening”. Mr. Magoriums was okay, because I got to spend 90 minutes with Natalie Portman, which is not a bad way to spend time.

“The Happening” was like Glenn Beck. He tries really hard to scare his audience with whiny, tearful, cliché and poorly acted scripting. He rides a horse named Hackneyed and Proud of it. He sees dead people and he talks to them (Thank you, Jesus). And he’s overstayed his welcome as a reputible source for anything entertaining or valid.

Any intelligent person is going to yawn, roll eyes and blow him off.

I hope there’s an audience boycott on your pictures like there is on advertisers sponsoring Beck’s show.

Best regards for your awful, deluded talent,

Jeremy “I want those 90 minutes of my life back” Witteveen