Semen Samples and Blood Pressure Successes

Gray1144This morning I spilled my seed into a cup. The business of achieving my sample was so hot, that I think the lab tests might come back positive that the cup is pregnant.

Thankfully, this sample was delivered at home. The last two tests I had to do in a public facility. And while masturbating to porn in a restroom is definitely my idea of a good time, it was still a little awkward doing the walk of shame out of the doctor’s office.

In case you’re new or haven’t read yet, Tina and I are doing tests to determine what’s going on with our infertility. So far, all the tests have been relatively positive. The last step in the process was masturbating in a cup. Now we wait to see what our options are, and they could go from relatively simple to In Vitro Fertilization (IVF).

But this morning was an excursion into one-handed bliss in my own home. The rules are that I must “perform to my own audience.” Tina can’t “use my mic for singing my song.” But we came up with a fantastic, dreamy way of “auto-tuning our own songs” at the same time.


I know, hot right? If that cup isn’t pregnant, it’s because I saw it smoking a cigarette after coitus. And we all know that pregnant cups shouldn’t smoke cigarettes.

To top off the great weekend, my blood pressure came in the lowest it’s been since I’ve been diagnosed with elevated blood pressure. It’s been consistently coming in at over 140 over 100. Often after coffee or in the middle of the day, it’s up toward 150 over 105. Over the weekend it was 133 over 77. I dipped into the 70s, bitches.

So take that in the upper lip, you fuckin’ jagoff blood pressure.

Something’s working.

Tina wants to blog about the infertility experience, but so far she’s been too shy to do it. I understand. She’s also been busy. So maybe I’ll get my notes outlined and write up some posts. What’s a mystery to me is why this stuff isn’t common knowledge. Why aren’t people talking about it? There are so many people in the waiting room when we got to the infertility clinic. We can’t be that big of a minority. It seems like every other person we talk to is going through some kind of infertility or knows someone who has.

Thankfully the internet is good for more than just porn, and there are stories online. And because I tag this post with masturbation and semen, I’ll get 100s of extra hits.

Emerson and Grace

I shot mostly video of the ceremony, because Steve and Nicole had two pros shooting photography during the ceremony and no video. But here's a still I grabbed.
I shot mostly video, because Steve and Nicole had two pros shooting photography during the ceremony and no video. But here's a still I grabbed.

Sunday night, Tina and I went to my buddy Steve’s wedding. We finally got to meet his lovely bride Nicole. She’s gorgeous, and seeing them brought all kinds of warm fuzzies and happiness. They were married at the Biltmore Estate property. Their ceremony was outside in 40 degree weather, but then we moved inside for cocktails, dinner and dancing. It was a beautiful event and lots of beautiful people there.

Tina and I looked at getting married there, but decided a destination wedding to Biltmore would prevent too many people from attending. Getting to Asheville isn’t as easy as say Charlotte. Driving down would be relatively hard too with kids. So we went with the Museum of Contemporary Art in Chicago. But because Biltmore was probably going to be the place we’d have chosen, I booked a room to stay on site as an attempt at romanticism. Let me tell you, it worked like a dream. Winky Honk. The bed at the Inn at Biltmore was the most comfortable bed we’ve ever slept in. And by “slept” I don’t mean sleep.

At dinner, we were seated next to several people, but the gentleman to my left and his date were hands down the most exciting

Emerson and Grace, an unmarried couple who impressed Tina and I like no one else at the wedding
Emerson and Grace, an unmarried couple who impressed Tina and I like no one else at the wedding

guests we met. His name is Emerson and his date is Grace. They are both artists. Emerson plays the trumpet and conducts orchestras. Grace is a painter. They both had sharp wits and minds and you can see by their picture that they weren’t entirely young.

They have both lived full lives and show no signs of slowing down. What intrigued me most was they are both followers of the Baha’i faith. I have never heard of Baha’i before.

As we were talking, Emerson drifted toward that cliché church talk that I talked about in “The Yeshua Fog” post. I got a little nervous, but excited, because I was hoping to share my views with someone at the wedding. It was going to be hardest to share them with an elderly man. But I was down, so I buckled my seat belt and waited to be proselytized.

Boy was I wrong!

Baha’i is an integrated faith, I imagine like Unitarianism. All paths lead to “salvation” or to god, so Christians, Muslims, Buddhists, Flying Spaghetti (honk), etc, all faiths lead in the right direction. I know … blasphemy right!?! NOOOOOOO!

But how cool is it when a gentle old man tells you about his passion of a church that is all inclusive. He leaned into me at one point — he spoke to me with his eyes shut — and he said, “We don’t do any of that superstition or anything.” Which I took to mean the Jeffersonian bible kind of thing where all the magic and bullshit is removed from the bible and what’s left are truly great words.

What excited me most was that on the card Emerson handed me with a few bullet points about the church, it said that they fully integrate science with their faith. They also emphasize equality of races and sexes and are proponents of ending world poverty.

Baha'i Church
Baha'i Church

Emerson and Grace told us all about the beautiful church that we could visit in this area. And Grace gave us advice on how to get behind the scenes and see things that regular visitors don’t get to see.

What impressed me most about Emerson and Grace was their clarity of vision and their studious personas; their beings exuded education and worldly gnosis. It’s bizarre to hear an elderly man refer to googling something in one sentence and then telling me about how the practice of performance is the best self education that one can encounter.

After we talked for most of the evening, Emerson and Grace encouraged Tina and I to dance for them. Which was cute on so many levels. We had a lot of fun.

Grace gave Tina a card and wanted to stay in touch.

Me, I’m glad I didn’t offend Emerson when I explained my religious views. Now the woman to Tina’s right, she would have probably flipped her lid. She thought the sermon at the ceremony was just peachy.