The Whole Goddamn Shebang

I just got off the phone with my brother. It turns out that my whole goddamn fucking family has been hanging out a Le Café Witteveen (Hey guys!). Is my blind spot really that big*? Anyone know if Mom or Kel are reading it? Grandma and Grandpa? How ’bout Uncle Rick. You reading this son of bitch, Uncle Rick? Imma give you a fucking black eye.

I knew that my dad read it after he said a couple things while we were down there. But for fuck’s sake. Secretive shame shame know your names!

I don’t know how any of them found out about it. I was so discreet. I mean, I never added the blog to any search engines.


It’s not hard. You can probably google Jeremy Witteveen and it comes up near the top. One of my top search references is “Jeremy Witteveen”.

The table is big enough for everyone, so please, take a seat. Drinks are on me. This is a huge test, though. We’ll see how much Le Café changes with the knowledge now that my loved ones are reading. I mean, my views directly oppose theirs. And like I said on the phone with my brother, I am an asshole. I am a patronizing, disdainful, supercilious ball of wackaloonery with a penchant for verbally beating the shit out of people. I mean, flying spaghetti, look at what I said about Glenn Beck!

It’s somewhat of a relief. I mean, hey, you guys are willfully reading this stuff. I’m not forcing you here. If you don’t like it, don’t read it. But I made this statement before. And you keep coming back for more, you dirty little masochists!

Is this why you don’t ask me questions, because I’ve inadvertently already told you everything?

To all my loyal readers, especially to those who respond in the comments and even those who drop me personal notes, join me in welcoming them. Kinda like the shy kids in kindergarten, they’re quivering over in a corner, afraid of us, because of our condescension toward religious people. It’s true. We are. I have to say though, in all fairness, there is a gigantic amount of condescension on display everywhere we go advocating some kind of belief. This video says it well:

LOL! Wasn’t that cute. The cartoon guy was upset … over a little dinky sign. The flipside is “faith” surrounds the 15% of those in the USA that claim non-theism/agnosticism/atheism. It’s pervasive, and if we were bigger assholes, we’d scream even louder than we do now. But we’re marginal assholes, with big LOVING hearts and big LOVING ideas.

We just want to be loved!

The irony here is enormous. One of the reasons why I started the blog was because of my sister in law (no names have been generated for them yet, and to be nice, I’ll call my sister in law SiL from now on). There was this one time, at band camp, I mean, at facebook, where I jokingly posted a photoshopped image of Tinkerbell. Tinkerbell had just shot a moose, she was holding a hand canon 45 calibre gun (smoke wafted from its barrel) and I was saying that Palin was as silly as a Disney character. It angered SiL, because she’s a Sarah Palin fan. I heard that this happened, and I’m a runner. Ask Tina. When we argue, I go hide. I need time to collect my thoughts. It’s not because I don’t want to talk it out, it’s because my thoughts are so many so fast that my mouth shuts down. I’m not a verbal guy. I need to write stuff down, maybe even read it to you. Instead of dealing with hurting SiL or recognizing that my sister in law loves me regardless of my views, I deleted her as a friend (I know, can you believe it?). It was no more than a method of protection, as I didn’t want to be in a place where I’d offend her in the future.

One point SiL made to me when we did talk about it (before deletion) was that facebook was an escape from the vitriol, and I had crossed that boundary by bringing ill-behaved politics into that utopia. I noticed that more and more people seemed putout by my posts. I started the blog, because I wanted to express my opinions and art completely free of forcing conservative friends from reading it. I don’t want anyone here that doesn’t want to be here. If you willfully walk through the doors, this is my house. As Petursey says, “My Blog My Rules … MBMR!”

This blog is a result of trying NOT to offend the people I love.

So now, what the flying fuck do I do with all of you at the table, staring at me with hungry eyes. You saw the menu. It’s an appetizer of obnoxious bruschetta, an entrée of insolent filet mignon and a dessert of insulting raspberry pie.

Synchronicity? Gravity? What the fuck brought you people here? Julie, Petursey and others found this blog, because they share the same views.  Julie’s site, which I’ve referenced, might put your tail into a spin. It’s not the fromunda cheese I serve, right? The cheese fromunda my balls. So what the hell attracted you here, and then what the hell kept you coming back? (I’m talking to you, SiL).

Whatever it is, maybe admiration for yours truly (masochistic admiration!), you found your way and returned evermore. For the love of your personal religious beliefs, please be active. Shoot me a note if you think I’m an asshole. I’d rather you commented under the post. Everyone has an opinion. If you feel hurt, I want to hear about it. I want to hear your perspective. It might not change how I think, but I’m open to it.

Is this like when my mom used to say, “If you want something just ask.” But I was a cowering ball of scaredy cat to ask her anything, so I never did? I hope to hell not.

I mean it. Put it in writing. It’ll help us all grow. Or don’t. Let it stew and get in an argument about it at home. Let it fester like a huge wound and let it explode with puss-y (that word is funny!) tetanus balls of gooey slime in your faces.

I don’t care. I’m not here to make you happy. This is a selfish asshole den of inequity. I’m the dictator AND the decider (ain’t that right President Bush?).




* Blind spots are one of many discussion points just in the eye that refute Intelligent Design. Another one is: what intelligence came up with a design that requires the image to be flipped by the brain and not in the eyeball itself. This very act takes energy that could be spent on other activities.

10 thoughts on “The Whole Goddamn Shebang

  1. I love it! I feel like I’m reading someone’s diary and I just can’t get enough. It’s like crack and I just keep coming back. I go on 4-5 times a day to see what you are going to say next.
    After the whole facebook incident I realized I shouldn’t take that kind of stuff personally. Like my mom tells me “let’s just agree to disagree” then we kiss and make up.
    Your description of “shy kids in kindergarten, quivering over in the corner” is DEAD ON. That’s how I feel now as I am typing and you are right I should have had the balls to say I am reading your blog.

    Love you BiL! I’ll be back in the morning!

    1. SiL! I love that you love it! I want you here, as long as you want to be here. Remember, I say MBMR. But you do what you’re comfortable with too. Petursey just addressed the SP thing directly, and I believe you truly are a fan. What I’m saying is, I’m not sure you have to defend yourself. I mean, I don’t like ABBA. Tina LOVES ABBA. When an ABBA song comes on the radio, and I groan, she doesn’t have to defend it. It’s what she loves.

      Peter, I know. I’m kowtowing on this one. There’s been a heavy amount of emotions wrapped up around this whole thing, and I’m excited that SiL’s balls dropped long enough to respond.

      But SiL, in all honesty, if you want to throw in a little love for SP, I’d love to hear it, too.

      This happened to me another time right after we got back from France. I mentioned to another friend of mine how awful I thought SP was, and his response, “I like her. I think she’s great.” I said, “But what about her this and that.” And he said, “I like her.”

      I was dumbfounded, but that was the truth.

  2. Welcome out of shadows SiL !! Us net buddies love reading the daily specials at Cafe Witteveen !! So as they say in the land of your FiL “aan tafel iedereen – nou is dit gezellig !!!”

    As ever Jezza a thought provoking mischieveous little post with a dash of MBMR thrown in. …. Tasty !!! Now maybe the food metaphor is getting stretched thin…..

    I’m still cogitating over how my family would react reading my blog – I’ve said some things that may hurt but I’m allowed my opinion and can express it how I want … And it does feel liberating!! Thanks for the inspiration Jeremy !!

    Now SiL you don’t really think Sarah Palin is real do you ? Do you really think she’s capable of being in such a high position or deserving of such ? OK I’m all for women in high office but let them have the right knowledge training and abilities for it. People in Europe laugh at her and call her a stupid bigoted moose !!

  3. And just to note the Sarah P question was genuine and not frivolous ! I reaaly find it astounding that people see her so 180degrees different than I see her ?

  4. I want to be a SiL…well I am to three people I guess, but they call me Julie. Also, can we call Jeremy Jezz now? I’d like that. It feels right.

  5. LOL. Sure you can call me Jezz. I’ll make sure to put some of my special Jezz in all the food I make.


  6. I would have responded sooner but my Mac is in the shop so I had to wait for hubby to take a break. Thank you for making me feel so welcome since I did sneak in through the back door!

    And to answer Petursey “I liked her and I still do.” Thank you BiL for helping me with that one. In the future my responses will not be so simple as I gain my confidence to hang out with you all.

    I have to let you know BiL once I found your blog I spent a whole day reading from your first entry to the most recent.

    (ta ta for now bitches)

  7. I just jizzed in my pants.

    Wow, SiL, you went back and read from day one, eh? I don’t think I’ve read all my blog posts. Sometimes after a night at the bar, I wake up the next morning to 2 or 3 posts made by Mr. Hyde.

    I plead the 5th question mark.

    I’m glad you’re building your confidence. We’ll give you a couple more pinches to get you up to speed. 🙂

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s