We Pluck, Raze, Clip, Color, Condition, Trim, Wax, Botox, Face Lift, Soap, Disguise Evolution Right Out of Our Collective Human Portrait

You’ve heard someone pound a desk and grunt through gritted teeth, “I didn’t come from no ape.” That comes before ripping off their shirt to reveal their hairy monster chest and perfectly manscaped pubes.

The evidence for our descent from primate ancestors stares at us in the mirror every morning, and then we shave, pluck and tweeze till we look as little like apes as possible.

For me, our skeletal frame is alone a good enough reason to accept evolution. Evolution deniers really think god liked the skeleton so much he varied it ever so slightly from animal to animal, but for the most part kept it the same. Did he do that to fool you or are you not as special as you thought you were? If “Intelligent Design” had a chance, there would be a mysterious disconnect between our innards and the common fish. But that apparently isn’t enough for the “Intelligent Design” movement.

I like to think of evolution in terms of hygiene. Tina hates me for this, because I got the idea whilst waiting for her to leave the bathroom once. She went on a marathon pluck fest for what seemed like a fucking week, and my natural body hair grew down to my toenails. Believe it or not, but that’s a picture of me (top right) after not shaving for a week. Scary right?

If it weren’t for all our modern bathroom accountrements, we’d all be awful looking beasts — especially the older we get. I feel obligated to remind people of the hair on our bodies (some men and women more than others). I mean for pete’s sake: nose hair, ear hair, face hair, head hair, pubic hair. If it weren’t for modern techniques to remove as much hair as possible every day, maybe evolution would have a better chance of being accepted.

As it is, we pluck, raze, color, condition, botox, face lift, wax, soap and disguise evolution right out of our appearances.

It should bother you that the “ideal” human look is to resemble a child as much as possible. At least in America, we prune the hedges like fanatical landscapers. The term “manscaping” didn’t come out of nowhere. Women stress over bikini lines.

We are made to think we should want to look most like pre-pubescent children, and then wonder how and why there’s a problem with adults fiddling little kids, when they represent an ideal picture of human beauty.

It boggles my mind.

I’m not saying I don’t do my share of pruning my bushes. I want to feel and look young just like the next guy or gal. It’s as if corporations have cornered all the markets on a million different ways to cover up evolution.

Disguise evolution any way you want, it’s your history, your background, your blood and your privilege to have the connection.

I don’t know about you, but I’m off to manscape my apish heritage right out of my bikini line.

Honk.

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