I stumbled upon this funny bit from a comedian named Joe Dixon. He’s a New York-based comedian who has appeared on Infidel Guy Radio and at presentations across the nation. His entire essay is worth reading. Go here to do that.
I love comedy. LOVE IT. Comedians seem to be the only people walking the earth who can say the truth. Pastors don’t speak the truth. Even Scientists are guilty of a few white-ys. I mean, for fucksake, are there any beings on earth that teel the truth better than comedians?
Dixon wrote a hilarious piece on why he’s not a Christian, but I want to steal it and make it mine. He seems to sell it a lot faster than my verbose attempts at talking about it. My favorite line is the one in the headline above. But all these points I think about a lot regarding faith. I mean, for real, hospices and funeral homes should be a carnival of fun. Birthdays should be a deflated trumpet honk.
Whatever. On with the show!
Here are my favorite parts (emphasis mine):
For one thing, why would God place a tree of knowledge where humans could get at it if he didn’t want them to eat from it? What, people aren’t supposed to eat? I mean here’s a huge tree with some delicious fruit on it, Mr. Divine being declared you the master of the earth (and by you I, of course, mean men. God is a horrible sexist.) and you can’t have a nibble? What a jerk. And anyway, here He is all powerful and all knowing, you’d think he’d find a better hiding place. When my brothers would bring pot into the house, they didn’t try hiding it from our mother by sticking it in the fridge. God could have put that tree in a place no one was likely to visit, like Mars or San Antonio.
While I’m on the subject, can someone tell me why the snake is the bad guy in that story? How exactly is he tempting Eve? Everything he tells her is true! Read the story of Adam and Eve. The snake is totally honest. He says that the tree is the tree of knowledge. He tells Eve it’ll open her eyes. How can he be evil if he’s right? Oh, wait, now I think I understand why fundamentalists truly hate evolution! It’s the truth. If everyone reads The Origin of Species and accepts it, we’re only going to discover that we’re naked. Jerry Falwell and Pat Robertson are just trying to spare us some embarrassment. I mean, how many of us really look that great with no clothes on?
By the logic of believers, death is just one more trip we take. We don’t just decay when we die: no, we actually go to another place. A happier place! But if they truly believed that then funerals and hospices would be the most fun joints in town. I mean, when I take a trip and it’s one where I am going to see someone I haven’t laid eyes on in a long time, my friends and family don’t make it a habit of gathering around my body and breaking out into tears as I depart. Wouldn’t a true Christian actually cry at birthdays and laugh at funerals?
In fact, why even be against abortion? Let’s say a clump of cells devoid of a central nervous system is really a baby. Wouldn’t killing it be doing the little tyke a favor? Why isn’t abortion considered just an express trip to Disneyland?
I most certainly am not a Christian because Hitler was an atheist. Hitler wasn’t an atheist. We can prove Hitler wasn’t an atheist because, unlike atheism, Hitler at least was popular. It should also be pointed out that Popes love to denounce atheists. Yet, I don’t recall the Catholic Church being terribly upset when old Adolph was alive and doing his Houdini act of making Jews (and gypsies and homosexuals) disappear.
The reason I am not a Christian is because the Bible says we should have faith. But the people in the Bible didn’t have faith. Every time they turned around, there was God. He was usually bitching and moaning, but there he was. I insist upon the same amount of proof the people in the Bible got.