6 Reasons Assholes Are Healthier (According to Science)

From this Cracked article, 6 Reasons Assholes are Healthier. Article reprinted not in full:

#6 Cursing Increases Pain Tolerance

Most linguists agree that the reason we have such a thing as cursing in human language is because it’s fucking awesome. But why do we do it when we’re in pain?

Like maybe you were making yourself a cup of coffee in the break room or kitchen and turned around to find that someone left a cabinet door open and that door is now smacking you right in the goddamn face. Hurt like hell, didn’t it? But it seemed to hurt a little less when you screamed “OH FUCK A SHITTINGWHORE.”

That’s because cursing can increase pain tolerance. It’s science. Dr. Richard Stephens of Keele University’s School of Psychology got 64 undergraduate students to stick their hands in ice water. In one round they were to choose a curse word of their choosing (though we have to wonder how they decided what was a curse word since for some, “dickfeathers” qualifies). The next round they put their hand in while repeating a commonplace word.

#5 Gossips Live Longer

We all know being fat can take years off your life, but did you know talking about how fat Becky in accounting has gotten since breaking up with Steve from sales can boost your health! OMFG, seriously you guys!

A University of Michigan study found that gossip has positive health benefits for women. In the study, college women were put together in two groups. One group was assigned to proofread a botany paper. The other group was encouraged to ask personal questions of each other meant to help them bond.

What researchers found was that the women in the group that was encouraged to talk and gossip had elevated levels of the hormone progesterone, which is known as a “feel good” hormone in women that reduces stress. According to Stephanie Brown, lead psychologist on the study (who, by the way, was totally making eyes at Dr. Bennington at last month’s faculty mixer), progesterone from human interaction is one of the reasons women with active social lives live longer than women who are isolated.

#4. Complainers Live Longer

While we may like to think that negativity evoked by their complaining will eventually kill them and hopefully not us, not all complaining elicits bad reactions. In the right context complaining can actually boost the complainer’s health and immunity as well as the health of those who share the same complaints.

Dr. John Brantner, a professor of health care psychology, found that cancer patients who complained about their aches and pains lived longer than those who took their pain passively and stoically. They were more more likely to demand more of the hospital staff to deal with the pain and take control of the situation. So suck it, Abigail Breslin’s sister in that shitty Cameron Diaz movie!

#3 Anger/Wrath Can be Good For Your Blood Pressure

Studies show choosing anger provided more positive effects on both blood pressure and mental health than responding in fear, which was shown to only be effective at increasing pants shitting and ass beatings.

#2 Men Who Marry Much Younger Women–or Multiple Women–Live Longer

At Cracked we’ve already mentioned how getting married makes you live longer. You may imagine that people most similarly matched would get the most benefit. Happy couples with the same interests, expectations and around the same age would do better than people who basically live on different planets. Certainly they’d do better than those creepy old men who divorce their loyal wives and marry teenage supermodels, right?

According to research, men who marry much younger women live longer than men who marry a woman the same age, and a man who marries an older woman might as well drop dead at the altar. Men marrying a woman 15-17 years his junior have their chances of dying a premature death cut by one fifth, and if their spouse is seven to nine years younger they still have 11 percent less chance of death. The same doesn’t hold true for men who marry an older woman. Unsurprisingly, they actually have a higher likelihood of dying early.

So how does marrying young help a man live longer? Scientists don’t have an explanation, but suggest the correlation might run the other way–only the healthiest, most successful men will attract younger mates.

Oh, and while they’re at it, they might want to pick up more than one. In cultures where polygamy is still allowed, guys who marry multiple women live 12 percent longer than monogamous men, even when you factor out those other factors (like socioeconomic status, etc). Again they’re not sure why. It may have to do with the fact that they tend to father children until a later age, which keeps them active. Or, you know, it could also have something to do with the eight or 10 extra titties they have bobbing around the house.

#1 Type A Personalities Survive Heart Attacks Better, No More Likely to Get Them

It’s not true, though. The sad fact is, Type A personalities are actually no more likely to get heart attacks than the rest of us. A University of Michigan study actually found no link between personality and heart disease. In the group they studied, genetics, not personality, determined how likely someone was to have heart problems.


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