Talulah and I have “bonded” in a special way


Abscess of the right anal gland in a dog.
This is apparently a badly enlarged anal gland. It desperately needs "expression". Image via Wikipedia


For a while now, Tina and I have nosed one of the worst odors wafting from our sweet girl Talulah. You may remember that early on she was infected with a virus I like to call, “Flatulence.” Since we changed her food, she’s been much less farty.

But there’s another odor that dogs offer while cuddling on the couch. This one arrives when their anal glands need “expressing”.

This is not a joke. Apparently Anal Gland Expressions™ isn’t just a line of shitty Glade products.

Expressing anal glands with dogs is fairly common. I’ve heard dog owners talk about it for years.

Basically all it means is that some dogs have glands that fill up and need a  human hand to empty. The glandular secretion smells like a bloody metallic fart. A diet with low fiber seems to be the culprit.

Other symptoms include that hilarious trick you thought was so cute when your dog sits on its ass and scootches across the carpet. The poor mutt was trying to express its own damn anal glands.

The dog we had growing up, Taffy, tried to express her anal glands all the time. We thought it was hilarious. RIP Taffy. If you were alive, I would love to express your anal glands.

I knew I needed to do something about it, and I heard it was something a vet could show you how to do. Thank goodness for YouTube. I found this video (below) that shows you how to DIY the anal glands.

There are plenty of other videos out there, and if I had time, I would watch everyone of them. But time was a wastin’. I ran out and bought some generic KY (didn’t want to use my personal stash) and some gloves. I took Talulah in the shower with me. And I started jamming my fingers in her ass.

Completing the task was surprisingly easy, and it was EXACTLY what was wrong. What I found in Talulah’s rectum were two gumball-sized lumps at 8 o’clock and 4 ‘o’clock of her asshole. You squeeze one end inside the butt and the other with the thumb. Squeezing it was a little tricky at first, but once gripped, it’s like there’s a little hole in a balloon that you squeeze all the fluid through. It’s like popping a huge, puss-y* pimple.

Soon, the shower was soon overrun with the horrible anal gland stink.

I almost vomited.

The next time your favorite canine is rubbing against your leg and you catch a whiff of some bloody metallic smell, grab some KY, squeeze it on your finger, shove it in your dogs ass. He or she will thank you later with huge sloppy kisses.





*puss-y is such a great word. I’m sure you stopped and read that at least 3 times.

Churches Named Most Segregated Place in U.S.

This FOX News report is a steaming pile of cow shit. The priest character wearing the racist garb on the left, you know the black suit with the little inverted white, Hitler mustache for a collar … that guy is about the biggest douchebag ever.

At minute 0:45, Priest Douchebag says, “Walk into a science classroom and they’re all … scientists.”

Wait, what?

The whole shebang is an embarrassment. The “report” comes on the heels of this blog post over at CNN.



Pope Mohammed and the Instruction Manual


Image representing eBay as depicted in CrunchBase
Image via CrunchBase


Pope Mohammed wears many hats when it comes to making a buck. He has a thriving online store at eBay® and a flourishing number of Dollar Store-type joints chockfull of junk goods.

One of his best sellers is a bedroom set of furniture. In the showroom or in the store catalog, the set looks gorgeous and its pricetag is dirt cheap. If you buy the set, the whole kit and caboodle shows up at your house in 40 boxes of various sizes. Pieces from the chest of drawers could be in the same box as the bed set and others with the side tables.

One box includes an instruction manual.

“Finding the manual is kind of a game,” says Pope Mohammed. “It’s never in the same box twice.”

In his sales pitch, Pope Mohammed will tell you he wrote the manual himself. He’ll also tell you about his family and the days when he used to make 6 figures, back before the recession.

Pope Mohammed will say, “Have you got a minute? I have to tell you about my son. He’s such a good kid. One time we were in the car, he was 8 years old, and he told me he wasn’t going to waste his time at school. He was going to make good grades.” Pope Mohammed is very proud of his son.

Pope Mohammed will tell you how long it took to write the instruction manual for the bedroom set. “If it weren’t for my son playing loudly in the house, I would have finished the manual sooner,” he’ll tell you. “If it weren’t for my son and the accident he was in, I would have finished the manual more accurately.”

Pope Mohammed will say, “You’re not going to find a better deal on a bedroom set any where.”

One time, Pope Mohammed got really drunk. “Me? I didn’t write that manual. Shoot. My minions in Africa somewhere … they wrote it. Or were they the translators? Somebody wrote it. I sure as [bleep] didn’t write it.”

Pope Mohammed will throw back another shot of Jay-mo and slurp a big gulp of Coors Light and slur some more, “The manual is usssseless. You’re bedder off without it … but don’t tell nobody. Shhhhhhhhhhhh. Don’t tell no. [belch] body.”