For a while now, Tina and I have nosed one of the worst odors wafting from our sweet girl Talulah. You may remember that early on she was infected with a virus I like to call, “Flatulence.” Since we changed her food, she’s been much less farty.
But there’s another odor that dogs offer while cuddling on the couch. This one arrives when their anal glands need “expressing”.
This is not a joke. Apparently Anal Gland Expressions™ isn’t just a line of shitty Glade products.
Expressing anal glands with dogs is fairly common. I’ve heard dog owners talk about it for years.
Basically all it means is that some dogs have glands that fill up and need a human hand to empty. The glandular secretion smells like a bloody metallic fart. A diet with low fiber seems to be the culprit.
Other symptoms include that hilarious trick you thought was so cute when your dog sits on its ass and scootches across the carpet. The poor mutt was trying to express its own damn anal glands.
The dog we had growing up, Taffy, tried to express her anal glands all the time. We thought it was hilarious. RIP Taffy. If you were alive, I would love to express your anal glands.
I knew I needed to do something about it, and I heard it was something a vet could show you how to do. Thank goodness for YouTube. I found this video (below) that shows you how to DIY the anal glands.
There are plenty of other videos out there, and if I had time, I would watch everyone of them. But time was a wastin’. I ran out and bought some generic KY (didn’t want to use my personal stash) and some gloves. I took Talulah in the shower with me. And I started jamming my fingers in her ass.
Completing the task was surprisingly easy, and it was EXACTLY what was wrong. What I found in Talulah’s rectum were two gumball-sized lumps at 8 o’clock and 4 ‘o’clock of her asshole. You squeeze one end inside the butt and the other with the thumb. Squeezing it was a little tricky at first, but once gripped, it’s like there’s a little hole in a balloon that you squeeze all the fluid through. It’s like popping a huge, puss-y* pimple.
Soon, the shower was soon overrun with the horrible anal gland stink.
I almost vomited.
The next time your favorite canine is rubbing against your leg and you catch a whiff of some bloody metallic smell, grab some KY, squeeze it on your finger, shove it in your dogs ass. He or she will thank you later with huge sloppy kisses.
*puss-y is such a great word. I’m sure you stopped and read that at least 3 times.