The B I G G E S T shit-eating grin you’ll see all day

Craig Rowin recently asked the Internets for One Million Dollars. And douchebags like me furthered his cause by reposting his goddamn request.

And do you know what Craig Rowin fucking got for recording himself asking the Internets for One Million Dollars?

One Million Fucking Dollars.

I asked for One Million Dollars, too. I did not receive it. I’m off to pout.

Via The Daily

While I’m on the topic of Kindergarten

During Kindergarten Part I, I was smacked on the hand with a ruler for something I’m still not aware what I did.

We were playing Simon Says. Mrs. Hooper (Hooper!) saw me do something. She rushed between a line of students, pulled my hand close to hers, and smacked my palm so hard with a ruler that the entire hand came off. Blood spurted everywhere and that evil Mrs. Hooper was given the electric chair for child abuse.

Not really. But she hit me hard.

With tear-stained cheeks and that blubbery hiccup voice, I said, “What did I do?”

And Mrs. Hooper said with pursed lips, “You know what you did!”

I will never know what I did wrong that day.

Hump Day Reading List or Watch Recommendations

  • Newly sworn in Governor of Alabama Robert Bentley says that if you’re not a Christian, you’re not his brother or sister. Somebody pass the Kleenex, I’ve become a blubbering mess.
  • A 1997 love letter from the Vatican to Irish bishops tells them don’t report abuse.
  • Jon Stewart invites Sarah Palin on his show. He also compliments her a few times. You should watch it. Stewart talks a little bit about the Palin interview referenced in the bullet point below.
  • Rita from Memphis calls into a Sirius XM talk show and proves how brilliant Palin supporters are. Did I say “brilliant”? I meant mentally challenged, ignorant, wing flapping, hot air blowing, mind numbing idiots.
  • Rick Santorum says same sex marriage is a violation of natural law, highly recommends only the missionary position for the rest of your life.
  • The American Family Association says it’s time to kill children for talking back to their parents, stone adulterers, gays and those who worship other gods. I mean, they said it’s time to return to a biblical system of justice. What’s the diff?
  • Colbert squeezed Palin’s butt cheeks yesterday too. Witness the thrill here.

Above: Amy Sedaris makes hot dogs on a rake.

Show me yours and I’ll show you mine

Do you remember the first time you were put in that awesome situation in which someone of the opposite sex, or maybe the same sex, said to you, “Show me yours and I’ll show you mine.”

I do. I was in kindergarten. Actually I was in kindergarten for the second time. I failed kindergarten the first time around.

My parents told me they held me back, because I was on that weird September cusp that made me the youngest kid in the class, but we all know I was a little slower and needed more time with numbers and letters. I mean, I’m the idiot who rejects belief. How dumb is that?

But after I was held back, I was one of the oldest in the class. What did that mean? It meant I was the first to get my license when I turned 16. And I was the first one to see a girl’s vagina. Or so I thought.

So here’s the rest of the story. It was nap time one day in Kindergarten Part II. A neighboring mat was held down by a cute little girl who whispers at me. I wasn’t sleeping either. I have never been a napper. This little girl — I can’t remember her name — whispers, “Hey, show me yours and I’ll show you mine.”

“What?” I whispered.

“Show me yours and I’ll show you mine,” she repeated.

I don’t remember showing mine, but I remember her pulling back the leg of her shorts to show some of her vaginal skin.

What a thrill.

That’s what Tina and I talked about at lunch today. When was your first time “showing yours to see another”?