Tribadism! Detumescence! Algolagnia! Antiquated sex terms that need to be brought back!

I saw this article about antiquated sex terms that need to be brought back and I thought of you … sexually.

Honk.

Here’s a good one:

houghmagandy – sexual intercourse, generally adulterous in nature – I like this one for times when words like intercourse and coitus feel too common. It also has a wonderful, comedy-friendly pronunciation — HOCH-muh-gan-dee — with the first syllable like you’re clearing your throat and/or doing a derivative impression of a Middle Easterner.

Go read it for yourself and become sexually enlightened.

 

Tina’s at the dentist

Tina had to go to the dentist this afternoon to get cavities refilled because she grinds her teeth.

When she returns, I’ll have to be especially nice to her since she’ll be in an uncomfortable amount of pain from the Novocaine wearing off and all.

Do you have any recommendations for how I should be “especially nice”?

 

Damn, it’s time to send Hitch a funeral card already?

Come on, atheists. Let’s capitalize on the imminent death of or Lord and Savior CHRISTopher Hitchens. It’s time to be just as dumb as everything and everyone we criticize! Submit your personal story to the “Make Christopher Hitchens a god” movement!

Put together an homage to Chris Hitchens so he’ll know how much you love him! How has Hitch impacted your life? How did he make you hate Jesus? How much did he influence your hate for god?

Need an opportunity to kiss and fondle Hitch’s balls while blood is still coursing through his veins and just before he roasts in eternal torment?

Here’s a link from Think Atheist that’ll help you kiss Hitch’s hairy ass.

Wait, does cancer therapy eliminate hair on buttocks, too? Maybe hairy isn’t the right descriptor.

Remember: don’t be too obsequious, you might get passed over.

Don’t forget: Don’t be too verbose, no one likes to read more than a few paragraphs.

Be just the right amount of clever. Be just the right amount of emotional. And just the right amount of atheist, and you might get published and used to generate ad sales and income for Think Atheist!

If Hitch notices you, you might get famous and become … the … next … (big Oprah voice) … CHRISTOPHER HITCHENS!!!

There are some days when I can’t stand the atheist movement.

Jesus in every book of the bible

As promised, I said I would return to the kid on stage at a church spouting off the many ways Jesus is portrayed in every book of the bible. For the sake of this post, let’s call the little boy “David”.

There are a few of us here at Le Café who feel a gravitational pull toward little David, because at one time we would have been a little David. You can see it now. You’re sitting at church in a pew by yourself. You’re so short your feet don’t touch the floor, so your kicking your feet back and forth. A church leader sits down right beside you. His name is Steve. Or Mark. He says, “How are things, David?”

“Fine.” you say. “How are you?”

“Great!” He’d say. “So I have this new reading that I think you’d be really good at.” Then Steve (or Mark) would blabber on about how you’d be the perfect candidate to read off or memorize how Jesus is portrayed in every book of the bible.

Of course he wouldn’t tell you that it’s a trend at all the big churches. He wouldn’t tell you that you’re doing it because all the elderly people at church find it damn near to godliness if a child performs on stage in any capacity. And he wouldn’t tell you that it’s a little test to give you a life-altering adrenaline rush that may forever change your need to perform at church. It will become an addiction that isn’t easy to break.

These are the things that started Marjoe‘s career. And look where it got him.

Continue reading “Jesus in every book of the bible”