Jesus in every book of the bible

As promised, I said I would return to the kid on stage at a church spouting off the many ways Jesus is portrayed in every book of the bible. For the sake of this post, let’s call the little boy “David”.

There are a few of us here at Le Café who feel a gravitational pull toward little David, because at one time we would have been a little David. You can see it now. You’re sitting at church in a pew by yourself. You’re so short your feet don’t touch the floor, so your kicking your feet back and forth. A church leader sits down right beside you. His name is Steve. Or Mark. He says, “How are things, David?”

“Fine.” you say. “How are you?”

“Great!” He’d say. “So I have this new reading that I think you’d be really good at.” Then Steve (or Mark) would blabber on about how you’d be the perfect candidate to read off or memorize how Jesus is portrayed in every book of the bible.

Of course he wouldn’t tell you that it’s a trend at all the big churches. He wouldn’t tell you that you’re doing it because all the elderly people at church find it damn near to godliness if a child performs on stage in any capacity. And he wouldn’t tell you that it’s a little test to give you a life-altering adrenaline rush that may forever change your need to perform at church. It will become an addiction that isn’t easy to break.

These are the things that started Marjoe‘s career. And look where it got him.

When I was in school and church, my teachers and Sunday School teachers could find Jesus in every book of the bible, too. In Daniel 3, he was the fourth man in the fiery furnace chillin’ out with Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego. My Sunday School teacher or elementary school teacher would say, “Do you know who the fourth man is in the furnace?”

And I would say, “Satan?” Who else withstands fire like Satan?

And they would say (condescendingly in the Church Lady voice), “Noooooooooooooooooo. That was Jesus.”

Of course the bible doesn’t say who that fellow was.

For all they knew it was Roger ‘Verbal’ Kint.

Typical of any kid that age, dumb David doesn’t know what he’s saying. He memorized that entire script. Or he’s using a teleprompter. He doesn’t know what “Son of Man” means. He doesn’t know that “The Bridegroom” in Hosea refers to when Hosea paid to have sex with his whore wife to metaphorically show that God would pay to have sex with you. I mean, that God would pay money to sleep with his filthy mistress …

I mean …

I love the Hosea metaphor so much.

That kid doesn’t know that the story of Jesus is a re-purposing of a story used over and over. The messiah is a continuation of a biblical trend to send an “anointed” savior character to guide people back to god. The bible writers were sick of the cliché so they got together one Saturday and said, “All right, this book is too long. Let’s end it with a guy named Yeshua. I’ve got plans to write a mobster book, and if I keep writing about ‘good’ guys I’m going to pull my hair out.”

So they wrote about Jesus.

If you grew up in the Yeshua Fog™, there’s a four-step biblical formula that you’d have driven in your noggin. The parenthetical notes are what I should have learned.

1) (Some of) Humanity (in the middle east) loved god (he had many names, which probably meant he was many gods, but tradition changed it to monotheism).
2) Humanity fell away from god(s).
3) God sent a messenger
4)  The messenger brings the group of humanity (who knows about the middle eastern god) back to loving Him.

Moses, Joshua, Joseph (the multicolor dreamcoat kid), Noah, David, Samuel, Ezekiel, Jonah, Hosea, Daniel, Jeremiah, et al. All those guys represent a messenger who must bring a group closer to god. Most of them were physically or metaphorically “anointed”. Of course, they tell you that god never went away. It was the world who went away from God.

You could choose any one of those guys to be a messiah.

One of my favorite biblical lessons to pick on is the one in which modern day protestant megachurches say, “God/Jesus will never leave you or forsake you.” It’s a common sermon theme. But within that same sermon, the pastor might say, “If you understand the history of the bible, you know that god loved humanity from Abraham to David, Solomon, and the prophets. But then for 400 years, God left. He was no where to be found for four hundred years. Then at the perfect time, God decided to send Jesus. Praise him.”

God will not leave you, right? But god left humanity for four hundred years? You can NEVER say that “god will never leave you.” God did leave you. For four hundred years, and there’s no telling what’s going to piss that guy off again to send him away for another 400 years.

God is the ultimate metaphorical dad/husband/deadbeat who might step out for a pack of cigarettes and never come back.

En Conclusion

Poor David is a pawn in the success of a church somewhere in these United States. David draws more older people into the pews. More older people in pews equals heavier tithe plates. Heavier tithe plates make more zeros and commas in tax-free bank accounts. That turns into more chances to ask another handsome or pretty church goer to standup on stage and plagiarize a document from the Internet.

Oh, I’m being a jerk.

What I really mean to say is that David is acting as the hand of god reaching for the hand of his whorish wife, so he can bring her back to his secret (dirty) lair … because he loves you.

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13 Responses to Jesus in every book of the bible

  1. Dave Dilts says:

    I would think that anyone hearing the young man would be impressed positively. He said only the truth as noted in scripture and said nothing bad about anyone… just stated opinion.

    As a 61 year old veteran, and living with both hairy cell leukemia and Parkinson’s…I am compelled to do the exact same thing at our congregation here in Lancaster, PA.

    It is incredible to me that the one and only thing stated in the above posting is near the end where the author states “Oh, I’m being a jerk.”

    Thanks for allowing all points of view to be written.

    • Glock21 says:

      The only thing you saw stated above was “Oh, I’m being a jerk?” I’ve heard of people with figurative blinders, but did you take a Sharpe to your monitor for that accomplishment?

    • Jeremy says:

      Thanks for your comment.

      Stop back by and let us know how the performance goes. Better yet, post a video.

      Cheers,

  2. Lori Erbes says:

    Can I get the words the Jack Stockton’s 66 books of the bible? I would love to share exactly every word he said on this video. It is vrey powerful and moving.
    Thanks for sharing:)

  3. Lori Erbes says:

    Thanks for sharing this. Can you give me the words to what Jack Stockton is saying in this video? it is very powerful and moving?
    thanks:)

    • Jeremy says:

      Yawn, are you kidding? Why would you want this script?

      And if you want it so badly, dictate it from the video above … or a simple google search will render the results.

      Indolence is not a virtue.

  4. George W. says:

    Truth has no punctuation checker. I love how she puts a question mark after “video” which changes the meaning of her next statement to “It is very powerful and moving?”, which given my opinion of the video, is quite apropos.

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    [...]Jesus in every book of the bible « Le Café Witteveen[...]…

  6. antone says:

    Our GOD is not mocked ! You and your buddy will have to answer to your comments one day !

    • Jeremy says:

      Did you get your feelings hurt?

      You should hide yourself — like Jesus in John 8:51-59 — when you get ridiculed.

      Follow his example!

    • luisv91 says:

      - Isn’t your g0d supposed to be ALL powerful and ALL knowing?
      - If yes to the above,surely he’s more than capable of stopping the attacks on his persona is he not?
      - Why must you, a tiny insignificant speck of flesh, come to his aid?
      - Is it not hubris on your part to believe you can, in any way speak on his behalf?

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