John Shore: 10 Key Qualities to Look For in a Wife: Blowjobs and sex do not make the list

Christian blogger John Shore recently posted this update to Facebook: “Most depressing blog comment ever.” See the link.

The woman who responded said that of all the qualities she spent her life honing before marriage, goodness, compassion, selflessness, etc., those things weren’t enough for her husband. When it was all said and done, this woman’s husband’s bedroom expectations were not met, and it made their marriage miserable.

The woman said,

“i just want to say that, i thought these qualities were all that matter… but actually, it is not. the best quality is to just say yes to whatever the husband wants, never mind the values behind it, and learn to give good blowjobs.”

The blog post that she responded to was called, “10 Key Qualities to look for in a Wife.” What came to mind after I read the actual post was a bit by comedian David Cross in which he reads a little bit from Promise Keepers book on successful marriages. In the bit, he says, “Of all the things that make for a successful marriage, ‘fucking‘ not one of them.”

In good “Christian” tradition, John Shore doesn’t list sex among his top marriage list either. Most of the list is a little tongue in cheek. And I’m sure it’s a good list, and I’m sure it was helpful to some people.

This is not a sex advice column, and I’m no expert on sex nor will I ever claim to be. I’ve mentioned on this blog before that the Christian view of sex screwed with my head in a major way. By the time I got married, I had to erase so much bullshit about sex from my head. It was ridiculous.

Scratch that, by the time I started dating women, I had to try to erase a lot of bullshit from my mind. Just like anyone, I knew I was sexually attracted to women early. It was evidence by the physiological response in my pants. I loved looking at catalogs for Christmas toys, and just so happening to stop in the underwear section on my way to lusting over G.I. Joes and Transformers.

At seven and eight, my mom discouraged the attraction by saying, “You’re not attracted to girls, yet. You’re too young. Now go play outside and have fun.” I understand the effect she was going for. She was trying to help me be a kid, and she probably didn’t understand the male mind and how it works. She did the best she could. But shelving the fascination with women wasn’t necessarily the right way to address the natural feelings I was having.

Then came my ultra-conservative Christian school and its lot of brainwashing teachers. At school, sex was demonized to the Nth. In eighth grade, I remember a “bible” class that addressed love, sex and marriage. A man who went by Mr. H taught the class.

He was a short man. He was married to a short wife and they had five short children.

His view was that the best way to abstinence was saying, “Sex is for marriage only. And if you don’t wait for sex, you will get an STD and your penis (or vagina) will fall off (or out)”. He was teaching this to me, a kid who could get an erection while riding in the backseat of a car and hitting a bump. My business would stand at attention with the slightest brush up against a girl on the playground. If I had to pee really bad, I could get a hardon.

But the repeat message was: sex will kill you unless you’re married.

That, my friends, is complete HORSE SHIT.

The next year, we had Mrs. Clark repeat the same load of horseshit, but with her Christian, anti-feminist flair. Ninth grade, it was Mrs. Clark again. In 10th grade, it was Mrs. Huckabee during biology. And so on.

My school was the school that kicked you out for sexual activity.

Imagine that, two kids do what comes completely natural to their millions of years of animal ancestry, and it could get them kicked out when the space time continuum hits the year 1990 C.E. The evolution of humanity has devolved into religiously-inspired anti-humanism. And my school made no qualms about opposing humanism and evolution.

Physiologically, my classmates and I were completely prepared to have sex. And mentally, maybe we weren’t ready. But mentally, these so-called teachers DESTROYED our collective healthy view of sex.

Think about it. When their goals were to make sex a healthy act between a husband and wife, they essentially became a lot of cockblocking experts in cultish brainwashing. Thanks, Mr. H, Mrs. Clark, and Mrs. Huckabee!

From seventh grade to my senior year, our teachers demonized sex so much that when it came to being “old enough,” I completely crumpled under the weight of a lifetime of sexualized demonization.

Currently, the healthiest view of sex and marriage that I can possibly understand at this point in my life is the one that secularists and scientists teach. It’s that marriage is between two people who love each other (straight or gay). Sex doesn’t equal a healthy marriage, but it should not be absent from one of its top-ten lists either. It’s better for most if it’s kept monogamous. It’s not easy. It’s often a lot of work. But marriage is a companionship and a method of moving forward into old age.

Marriage doesn’t always work, and it’s not a crippling disease or the end of the world if one dissolves.

I’ve had people comment on this blog about open relationships. And if that’s your bag, so be it. I’ve found that any aspirations I have for multiple partners are often squelched by the simple act of an orgasm. The thought of trying to maintain any kind of open relationship is too daunting and ridiculous in any realistic sense. But it’s a fun fantasy to get you through a few minutes hours of bliss.

If you even start babbling Christo-speach about abstinence, I’ll grit my teeth and pray to self that I won’t sucker punch you in the mouth.

I sincerely wish that Christians would adopt a more healthy, scientific view of sex, and the world in general. But the likelihood is stymied especially when a liberal Christian like John Shore doesn’t list “sex” in his top ten list.

For crying out loud, at least give it a postscript spot.



Preparing for Hawaii

The Hawaii state seal.
Image via Wikipedia

We’re going to be shuffling around getting our ducks in a row for Hawaii today. Yesterday was a wash, because I was wasting my day at a pool tournament all day when I could have been working on making today a little easier.

If you’re wondering, we didn’t make it past the first round of our playoffs. I won my game, but the rest of my team didn’t fare as well.

In other words, I left my house at 8:15 a.m. and didn’t find out until 5:45 that we weren’t moving forward. Usually a match only takes four hours.

If you have any Traveling to Hawaii advice, there’s never been a better time than right now to give it. Right now, we don’t have an agenda. We’re just going to soak up what we can while we’re there.

Otherwise, stay tuned for updates as they come. We will have Internet, and I’ll be working a bit while there, so it won’t be a complete ghost town around here.