John Shore: 10 Key Qualities to Look For in a Wife: Blowjobs and sex do not make the list

Christian blogger John Shore recently posted this update to Facebook: “Most depressing blog comment ever.” See the link.

The woman who responded said that of all the qualities she spent her life honing before marriage, goodness, compassion, selflessness, etc., those things weren’t enough for her husband. When it was all said and done, this woman’s husband’s bedroom expectations were not met, and it made their marriage miserable.

The woman said,

“i just want to say that, i thought these qualities were all that matter… but actually, it is not. the best quality is to just say yes to whatever the husband wants, never mind the values behind it, and learn to give good blowjobs.”

The blog post that she responded to was called, “10 Key Qualities to look for in a Wife.” What came to mind after I read the actual post was a bit by comedian David Cross in which he reads a little bit from Promise Keepers book on successful marriages. In the bit, he says, “Of all the things that make for a successful marriage, ‘fucking‘ not one of them.”

In good “Christian” tradition, John Shore doesn’t list sex among his top marriage list either. Most of the list is a little tongue in cheek. And I’m sure it’s a good list, and I’m sure it was helpful to some people.

This is not a sex advice column, and I’m no expert on sex nor will I ever claim to be. I’ve mentioned on this blog before that the Christian view of sex screwed with my head in a major way. By the time I got married, I had to erase so much bullshit about sex from my head. It was ridiculous.

Scratch that, by the time I started dating women, I had to try to erase a lot of bullshit from my mind. Just like anyone, I knew I was sexually attracted to women early. It was evidence by the physiological response in my pants. I loved looking at catalogs for Christmas toys, and just so happening to stop in the underwear section on my way to lusting over G.I. Joes and Transformers.

At seven and eight, my mom discouraged the attraction by saying, “You’re not attracted to girls, yet. You’re too young. Now go play outside and have fun.” I understand the effect she was going for. She was trying to help me be a kid, and she probably didn’t understand the male mind and how it works. She did the best she could. But shelving the fascination with women wasn’t necessarily the right way to address the natural feelings I was having.

Then came my ultra-conservative Christian school and its lot of brainwashing teachers. At school, sex was demonized to the Nth. In eighth grade, I remember a “bible” class that addressed love, sex and marriage. A man who went by Mr. H taught the class.

He was a short man. He was married to a short wife and they had five short children.

His view was that the best way to abstinence was saying, “Sex is for marriage only. And if you don’t wait for sex, you will get an STD and your penis (or vagina) will fall off (or out)”. He was teaching this to me, a kid who could get an erection while riding in the backseat of a car and hitting a bump. My business would stand at attention with the slightest brush up against a girl on the playground. If I had to pee really bad, I could get a hardon.

But the repeat message was: sex will kill you unless you’re married.

That, my friends, is complete HORSE SHIT.

The next year, we had Mrs. Clark repeat the same load of horseshit, but with her Christian, anti-feminist flair. Ninth grade, it was Mrs. Clark again. In 10th grade, it was Mrs. Huckabee during biology. And so on.

My school was the school that kicked you out for sexual activity.

Imagine that, two kids do what comes completely natural to their millions of years of animal ancestry, and it could get them kicked out when the space time continuum hits the year 1990 C.E. The evolution of humanity has devolved into religiously-inspired anti-humanism. And my school made no qualms about opposing humanism and evolution.

Physiologically, my classmates and I were completely prepared to have sex. And mentally, maybe we weren’t ready. But mentally, these so-called teachers DESTROYED our collective healthy view of sex.

Think about it. When their goals were to make sex a healthy act between a husband and wife, they essentially became a lot of cockblocking experts in cultish brainwashing. Thanks, Mr. H, Mrs. Clark, and Mrs. Huckabee!

From seventh grade to my senior year, our teachers demonized sex so much that when it came to being “old enough,” I completely crumpled under the weight of a lifetime of sexualized demonization.

Currently, the healthiest view of sex and marriage that I can possibly understand at this point in my life is the one that secularists and scientists teach. It’s that marriage is between two people who love each other (straight or gay). Sex doesn’t equal a healthy marriage, but it should not be absent from one of its top-ten lists either. It’s better for most if it’s kept monogamous. It’s not easy. It’s often a lot of work. But marriage is a companionship and a method of moving forward into old age.

Marriage doesn’t always work, and it’s not a crippling disease or the end of the world if one dissolves.

I’ve had people comment on this blog about open relationships. And if that’s your bag, so be it. I’ve found that any aspirations I have for multiple partners are often squelched by the simple act of an orgasm. The thought of trying to maintain any kind of open relationship is too daunting and ridiculous in any realistic sense. But it’s a fun fantasy to get you through a few minutes hours of bliss.

If you even start babbling Christo-speach about abstinence, I’ll grit my teeth and pray to self that I won’t sucker punch you in the mouth.

I sincerely wish that Christians would adopt a more healthy, scientific view of sex, and the world in general. But the likelihood is stymied especially when a liberal Christian like John Shore doesn’t list “sex” in his top ten list.

For crying out loud, at least give it a postscript spot.

 

 

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8 thoughts on “John Shore: 10 Key Qualities to Look For in a Wife: Blowjobs and sex do not make the list

  1. Speaking as a person who is married with 4 children and a fifth on the way (and by saying that I mean it to imply that I get laid frequently and have better sperm than you….yes YOU), I think there is an important truism about sex in marriage that I can pass onto everyone:
    If your sex life with your wife is good, it ranks as number 11 on a top ten list of important things in your marriage…..if it is bad, it ranks as number one.

    The truth of the matter is that fundamentalist dogma is at odds with culture in today’s world. We no longer place infinitely less value on wives in relation to their husbands, but the church teaches men that their wives are their servants, that their needs are paramount, and that unlimited access to their wives sexual organs is the prize for slipping a ring on her finger.
    Woman have rightfully been taught that they are people, people with rights and needs and value, and that means that they are equal partners in the bedroom. This is not what the church culture tends to teach, and it creates animosity.
    The problem with celibacy and “saving yourself for marriage” and being “In a relationship with Jesus” is that too many Evangelical couples walk into marriage entirely unaware of the dynamics of sexuality. What if your husband has little or no sex drive, and you are as horny as a ten-peckered hoot owl? What if your wife doesn’t like tube-meat and you feel a “flute cleaning” is a twice weekly obligation?
    In healthy sexual couples, these things are discovered before they need a lawyer or therapist to fix the problem. If you are a giant man-whore, and you get six months into a relationship with a prude, you have seen the writing on the wall. If you are a woman who thinks that the only orifice man-meat rests in is a tuna taco, then you won’t likely stick around when your frat-boy boyfriend only offers you a choice between whether you swallow or spit.

    I lived with my high school sweetheart for about a year after we finished college, and I saw the writing on the wall. “Living in sin” helped both of us realize that as much as we loved each other, we were not a “perfect fit”. My wife and I are very much on the same page sexually. Our relationship is the better for it….and now we can bitch and whine about the important things in our relationship, like why I can’t fucking remember to fold towels properly.

    P.S.- You are welcome for the gratuitous language.

  2. Bravo sir! Well said. *golf clap*

    Were it up to me, I would most certainly declare you the winner of teh internetz!

    1. I’m not sure how to interpret this comment. Are you implying that George W. gave away too much information about his sex life? Or did you meant that you purposefully omitted any talk about sex in your top 10 list for fear of offending your wife or ruining her honor or something along those lines ?

      If it’s the former, PRUDE much? (since you took the “mature” route and all). Seeing as I find nothing revealing or anywhere near excessive in George’s post. If it’s the latter, I believe you’ve helped prove the thesis of the original post. I mean seriously, a brief mention in the list on being sexually compatible would be an immature thing to say or disrespectful to your wife in any sort of way?

    2. And, it needs to be pointed out that George did not discuss the nitty gritty details of his sex life with his wife. He only pointed out issues that potentially face any sexually intimate couple.

      To state that he has a great sex life with his wife is simply that and nothing more should be read into it.

      But that would be contradictory to everything that religions teach. The mere mention of the word or pointing out that it’s an enjoyable activity means that you are divulging way, way too much.

      As is painfully obvious, discussions regarding sex should be limited to how evil it is outside of marriage.

      The problem however is that Jesus doesn’t give good head.

    3. John!
      I’m glad you took the time to jump into the discussion. There is a sense in which I agree that it seems inappropriate to discuss certain things on the internet. Yet when you write a post about what to look for in a wife (or spouse of any sort), I’m of the opinion that leaving out sex is taking away the titled purpose (but not, honestly, the actual purpose) of your post. I get that your post was intended to be titled as a self-help style piece but really be a love letter to your wife. I get that.
      But someone came onto your blog and read that post because they need help to come to terms with why everything went wrong for them in their marriage. They misinterpreted the spirit of your post as being helpful (which many of your pieces are) when you wrote it as a humour piece. These are really no fault of yours.
      You wrote the post to tell the world the million and one ways your wife is soooo awesome (and I bet she is!) but you presented it as “10 Qualities To Look For”, and someone came looking. You didn’t write that post as an advice piece and I agree that you should not be held to that standard.

      All that said, Jeremy is writing this post as a way to address the fact that someone misinterpreted your love note and read it as good advice. They read your post and said all the magic words that Jeremy and I have heard over and over again in Christian circles.Let’s look at the opening paragraph:

      i spent most of my adult life trying to prepare myself for my man, i prep myself to be compassionate, caring for others, joyful, sociable, spiritual, intelligent, etc… and i dont do bogus but decent in those things… my friends enjoy my friendship and companionship. And i thought i was ready.

      Prepare. Prep myself. I thought I was ready. Those are code words. Those are the sick practical jokes of a religion that insists that people “save themselves” and “prepare” for marriage by stifling their sexual and emotional needs. If any Christian on the internet knows what happens when you accept ridiculous dogma over your humanity, when you refuse to communicate about the most important things in life…it ought to be you. That is what Jeremy is disappointed about,that is what I am disappointed about; regardless of whether you intended any of that in your post.

      I’m also disappointed that you would post her comment to facebook without personally taking the time to try and help this person. Even if the original post was meant in an entirely different spirit (and I wholeheartedly think it was) you still had an opportunity to help someone who is scared and confused.
      Lastly, I’m not sure what is immature about acknowledging the importance of a healthy and natural part of adult life, especially in a post about marriage. I managed to post several paragraphs about sex without ever giving you any details about my own sex life. I managed to respond to your confused poster in a way that was sufficient without getting down and dirty. The more we don’t talk about these things the more we perpetuate the attitude that sex is “sinful” and “dirty” and “shameful”. The more we perpetuate that attitude, the more “needhelp”s we create. We need to talk about it. We have to talk about it. I don’t know what is immature about that….even when we do it tongue in cheek- as I have done here.
      I don’t know what makes you feel that your “10 Key Qualities” was entirely sufficient and handled the issue maturely when we all know that your post is like describing a forest to blind people without mentioning trees.

  3. I don’t know Jer, you sure shot down my one attempt at a healthy view of sexuality in my relationship with Jesus. Hmmph. Hypocrite. Honk!

    I read the original post by John, and I think it was very thoughtful that George took the time to respond to “Need Help.” ANd I also agree with George that John should have addressed her, since he opened the can of worms. I assume that John posted her comment as a depressing comment on FB, yet he didn’t try to offer hope and encouragement?

    While it’s true that a lot of fundamental churches give a terrible view of women’s role in marriage and church (doormat), I don’t don’t think it’s fair to generalize and say all of Christianity does so. There are plenty of churches and denominations that affirm the value and autonomy of women. Personally, after looking more into it, I think all those NT verses about women being submissive and silent were interpolated by early century power-hungry church leaders, not by Paul. Take those verses out, and each and every passage reads more fluidly. Also, note how they contradict Paul in other places, “there is no longer Jew, Greek, slave, free, male, female, but all are ONE….submit to one another (husbands and wives)” This is the teaching of Paul.

    Back on SEX: I think the best place to get a healthy view of sex for anyone, Christian or not, is in the home. My parents had a great sex life and joked about it in front of us kids occasionally. Hence, the topic of sex was always out in the open and didn’t feel taboo. I even remember my older siblings telling mild sex jokes around the dinner table when I was in grade school. I tried to pass that healthy, open view of sex on to my kids as well.

    I do think sexual compatibility is a critical part of any good marriage and should be highly considered beforehand. There are obviously both men and women with different levels of drive, and both are legitimate but should also be honest about expectations before marriage. Just my two cents.
    P.S. that George is a real horn dog, eh?

  4. Thanks everyone for your responses.

    I don’t expect John to come back here, and I don’t expect him to be anything other than selfish about how he views that comment.

    I imagine he’s going to contribute generously to the non-humanistic, Christian selfish stereotype.

    I keep wanting to come back to this message, because like many posts, there are many things I have to leave out.

    But I have to perpetuate the human stereotype of selfishness and go back to enjoying sunny Hawaii.

    I’m struggling, because I want to instigate some questions that would provoke more discussion, as I want this one to continue. But I’ve got the beach and sand on my mind (and in my hair).

    I’m at a loss … and a gain at the same time.

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