On Monday, August 8, Tina and I celebrated three years of blissful, sex-laden, good-times having, fight-intensive, makeup-overloaded marriage. Our close friend Aaron was here on Monday, cockblockin’ like a champ, so we decided to postpone our celebration till this weekend.
Tonight we have reservations for Morton’s Steakhouse where we were engaged. I thought it would be utterly romantic. Nothing like eating a three-pound steak and working it off later … wink wink … nudge nudge … YouKnowWhatImSayin!
Brown chicken brown cow
Tina and I started dating in July of 2000, so we’ve technically been together since the beginning of time.
In 2006, we did the closest thing you can get to marriage … we bought a condo together.
At Christmas time 2006, we stopped in a jewelry store at a crappy mall while shopping for other gifts, and we looked at rings for shits and giggles.
When I was growing up, I heard that a man should spend three months salary on a ring. I told the sales rep that factoid, and he had the bizarre balls to look at me and say, “Are you crazy? That’s not true. You can spend much less if you want.”
I would have fired that son of a bitch if he worked for me and I overheard that.
I finally ring-shopped (for reals) in March 2007 in the Chicago diamond district after dragging my heels for, like, ever. I bought a gorgeous diamond and had it set in a beautiful ring decorated with a bunch of diamond specks. It took about a month to complete work.
Right before going to Washington, D.C. to bury Tina’s father in Arlington Cemetery (he had a Purple Heart from Vietnam), we had reservations for Morton’s Steakhouse on a Friday, because I had a gift certificate from a friend. I picked up the ring on Friday afternoon after telling Tina that I wanted to work from Panara Bread all day.
It seemed odd to her, but she went with it.
After dinner of two delicious steaks and me insisting we were splurging on this meal so don’t hold back on anything, Tina couldn’t decide what dessert she wanted. The choice was between a slice of coconut pie and crème brulée. She finally chose crème brulée. After she ordered, she excused herself to empty her bladder of the half-bottle of wine we shared.
After she walked away, I pulled our waiter aside, and I told him I had a ring, and asked if he would consider including it somehow on the dessert Tina ordered.
Tina returned from the bathroom a new woman. Soon after, the waiter came back with both desserts, and that caused a high-pitched squeal to erupt from Tina’s mouth. A split second later, Tina spotted the ring nestled between two raspberries and she burst into a hiccup crying laughter wiggle scream.
After she calmed down, I looked at her … creepily … just kidding. I looked deep in her eyes, told her I loved her and I asked her to marry me.
She said, “Hell no, bitch!” Plucked the ring from its home and ran out of the restaurant.
No, she said, “Yes, yes, yes.”
It was definitely one of the top-ten moments of our relationship. We’re just hoping we can relive the glory day moments for an evening. It’s hard to do anything special when we celebrate life every day. But we’ll give it a go.
And no, Aaron, you didn’t cockblock on Monday. That was a joke … maybe you’ve heard of them?