And on the eighteen thousand and fifty-nine billionth day, God said, “Fuck you, Pat Robertson.”

Soon to be bopped in the nose Julie Ferwerda recently posted a sweet-ass article to my Facebook wall.

It was for this parody article titled: “In rare public statement, God tells Pat Robertson to Shut the Fuck up.”

Julie wrote: “Thought this would give you another sinister grin.” She was referring to this.

I responded with, “Thanks. This is awesome.”

To which my paternal grandmother — a facebook lover and advocate — responded, “I know God does not talk like that!!!!!!!”

See what you did, Julie, you got my grandma involved!!!!!!!!

Notice how my grandmother and I love exclamations exclamations. We’re cut from the same thread.

You should know that it wasn’t my grandmother who responded. It was one of my aunts, who uses my grandmother as an alternative account to increase her points on Facebook games.


I wrote back: “Really? Are you sure, Opoe?”  (Opoe is our term for grandma)

I knew it wasn’t her. I was fishing for a response … and credit card information.

My grandma responded: “This is your aunt [so and so]. I know God doesn’t talk like that and neither do I!!!”

I happen to talk like that, so I don’t give a fuck about the language. My point is not the language, but the message. Someone needs to tell people like Pat Robertson to shut the fuck up.

Hey, Pat Robertson … shut the fuck up!

Here was my response (which I’m sure is going to get some play at family reunions that I’m rarely a part of):

I figured it wasn’t Opoe.

I hope God talks like that. It’d be much more realistic to conversational speech.

Maybe he said “Pat Robertson, shut the frick up” or “shut your stinking can, Pat Robertson” or “Clamp your darn mouth, Pat Robertson” and it got lost in translation.

Someone with authority needs to tell that guy to shut it. He’s making perfectly good and reasonable people look badly.

It shows that the guy with the infrastructure, the cameras, the sound equipment and the mouth aren’t always the best person to speak for the majority.

Yeah, I said it. And I mean it. I say “reasonable”, and I’ve been criticized for it before. I believe that the believers I know are “reasoned”. It may not be the reasoning that I agree with, but …

Was that response disrespectful? Sure.

Was it right? I think so.

No one gets Carte Blanche to say what he wants without criticism.

No one.

Not even me.

Give me what you’ve got … I can take it.

A Caturday bonus!

Pretend this is me talking to you about what we need more or less of.

Also, consider my mental health and calling someone for me … if you don’t mind.


About the vid:

David Bennett wants his team to act like dogs instead of cats at his weekly press conference leading up to CCU’s game against Catawba

To see more of the best of Bennett:



It’s Caturday!

It’s Caturday! And you know what that means … it means most of you forgot to  send me your cat photos and you have to sit through another Caturday featuring amazingly-cute Zoe.

Like I said, I’d be more successful getting Wednesgod pictures at this point. 🙂

Maybe you don’t know this about Zoe.

Tina adopted Zoe soon after her mother passed away. Tina named her Zoe, because it means “life” in Greek.

You see, Tina wasn’t finished knowing her mom. She was Tina’s best friend. But her mom was ripped from Tina in a series of events that shattered Tina’s world.

This is why it drives me crazy when believers say they aren’t meant to know the mind of god. These same believers don’t have any empathy for people like Tina, and it pisses her off to hear such insensitiveness.

When you say “god is just” and “god is merciful” in response to Tina’s heartfelt longing for her mom, you may as well just go fuck yourself.

You can’t replace that kind of love, but you can do things that remind and refocus, because otherwise you’ll drive yourself crazy thinking there’s an afterlife with a chance you’ll be reunited someday.

Wow, this Caturday post took a turn someplace.

My point is that Tina could never replace her mom. But she could remind herself that “life” goes on.

The reality is that life sucks sometimes. It’s true. But it doesn’t have to suck all the time. Tina’s a strong woman, and many are better for knowing her, and learning from the wisdom she was forced to equip herself with.

I’ll leave you with a video of a baby leopard to make up for it.

Wait for it …