Singsong: he’s got your whole ass in his lap …

February 26, 2012

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Photo of a Jesus chair.

Via I have seen the whole of the Internet


Foot juggling that will knock your socks off

February 26, 2012

Prepare yourself for the amazing talent that calls herself Selyna Bogino, in an act called, “Bamberg Zaubert.”

Everybody needs a talent, right?

I watched the video in high def at full screen, and got a little hot and bothered … if you know what I mean.

Speaking of talent … In other news, the thought of separating church and state nauseates Rick Santorum. As long as the church that isn’t getting separated is the one of his choice, stuff as much allah, prayer mats and/or madrasas in the government as you can!

Right!!!

Right?

Where are you going?

See this story for details.

I don’t know about you, but after reading that about Santorum, Selyna Bogino has a better chance of getting elected the next president of the United States. How can a man, who doesn’t want the future of America going to college, who wants everyone to wait for marriage for sex, who thinks Barack Obama’s brand of Christianity is phony, possibly become the next president (president!) of the United States.

Video via TYWKIWDBI


Afternoon snack: Mr. Hottest, Chili Balado Flavor Corn Sticks Snack … The Hottest Chips for the Hottest People

February 26, 2012

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Tina and I bought this bag of chip-type snacks before we left Bali. We opened them up to have with a sandwich, and man, they were dis-gus-ting.

There was a tinge of sweetness to them. They weren’t very hot.

And a broken promise (for the hottest chips) is a stab in the throat.

So we threw most of them away.

Notice the back (below) says, “The Hottest Chips for the Hottest People.”

At first we were flattered that we were eating the hottest chips for the hottest people. But when we found out that the heat pertained to body temperature and not stunningly good looks, it was a little like seeing a loved one’s face frown a little when they’re biting into a slice of pizza you’ve spent hours cooking.

The little graphic on the back is kind of cute though, right? I LUV [Heart] INDO!

Nothing says redundant nonsense like two hearts instead of one.

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Matthew 10:34 should read, I didn’t come to bring peace, but heavy artillery

February 26, 2012

On Saturday night, Tina and I shot a beautiful event packed with glamourous people eating gorgeous food and tasty drinks.

As I’m going through the film, I stopped on this image (click to enlarge image above) of a guy preparing plates of food. I noticed his forearm covered in ink. I looked closer and noticed it was a heavenly-looking Jesus icon holding some mega-life-altering artillery.

You could probably take out airplanes with that machine gun.

Steve P. could probably identify the exact kind of weapon it is. He might even told us he shot one yesterday with his friends.

Honk.

For those of you who don’t know Matthew 10:34 (through 37), here it is for your viewing pleasure taken way out of context by yours truly:

 34 “Do not think that I came to bring peace to the earth. I didn’t come to bring peace. I came to bring a sword. 35 I have come to turn
” ‘sons against their fathers.
Daughters will refuse to obey their mothers.
Daughters-in-law will be against their mothers-in-law.

36 A man’s enemies will be the members of his own family.’ —(Micah 7:6)

37 “Anyone who loves his father or mother more than me is not worthy of me. Anyone who loves his son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me. 38 And anyone who does not pick up his cross and follow me is not worthy of me. 39If anyone finds his life, he will lose it. If anyone loses his life because of me, he will find it.


The message: belief + infertility = hysteria

February 26, 2012

@paperdream #paperdream

The American Family Association, Dr. Dobson’s Christian-family organization, is producing a movie called, “Paper Dream” under its production name, “American Family Studios.”

“Paper Dream” is about a woman named Christy who doesn’t understand why she is infertile. She’s got faith. She reads her bible. Having babies has been her dream since she was a little girl.

I mean, all you need is faith the size (and flavor) of a mustard seed, right? Ask and you shall receive!

But damnit, no is an answer, too. And all that hope that the bible gives you is just a callous, deceitful bitch.

“Paper Dream” is modern day Job story. And Christy’s no Job, let me tell you.

Christy is pissed and just shy of wielding the loudest, smokiest chainsaw you’ve ever imagined.

Seeing this trailer couldn’t be more timely. Many of you remember Tina and I tried fertility treatments. And, in the back of our hopeful minds, we thought a vacation — with loads of sex — would produce a better possibility for a little nugget implanting in T’s uterine wall.

But Aunt Flow came to visit last night earlier than expected. You might have heard the deflating honk from where you were sitting.

You think stuff like that gets easier. It doesn’t. When you’re hopeful, disappointment feels heavier.

Here lies another reason why I finally left faith. As kids, we were taught about god as the master over the unthinkable. We were taught that “nothing is impossible” and that strong faith works “miracles.” Once I was able to face the harsh reality that the stuff in the bible is empty promises, and that prayer is no better or worse than just being hopeful, it’s a matter of retiring faith for function.

It’s much more easing to my mind to think of the world as a natural place where miracles aren’t miracles. They are common functions, accentuated by science and, oddly enough, coincidence.

Having faith somewhat drove me to levels of hysteria, like ol’ Christy in that trailer above. It’s not healthy for people to think like that.

Once you get past the idea that god is as in control of your life as he’s in control of beggars in Bali or the billionaires in America, it’s a no brainer.

By the way, if the trailer is the best of the film that’s supposed to entice viewers, the production team and actors should hang their collective heads in shame. Seriously? “I would give anything in the world to have morning sickness. To wake up in the middle of the night to feel little feet kick inside of me.” Did Dr. D. write this himself?

Barf.


What the funny kids are posting

February 26, 2012

Tastefully Offensive and I have seen the whole of the Internet have been screaming at me to publish a new “funny kids” post.

They finally get their wish.

The first one’s a video that I’ve managed to rewatch a handful of times. I hope it tittles your tattle, too.

Graphic reads, “Content of women’s magazines”. Bar chart is split 50/50. One side is, “You’re beautiful just the way you are.” The other: “Ads about losing 20 pounds in 4 weeks.” 

Picture of Mario or Luigi looking man in WalMart pushing a shopping cart reads, “Mario Cart.” 

Zombie Apocalypse Chainsaw Bike

Picture of little girl with knit hat sitting there sulking. A sign in front of her reads, “The happy train!” 

Aerial image of a cul-de-sac that looks like a penis and balls reads, “Cul De “Sack”?


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