I will RSVP “no” to your party


Funny your ecard reads, “A bunch of my friends are coming over this evening to play on their phones.” 

Back in 2001, I visited the Philippines for the first time. That was when I discovered how insulting it is that everyone around you is staring at their phones.

People text all the time; at the dinner table, at the coffee shop, the bars.

Everywhere you went, there was that ubiquitous blue light shining up at faces.

Even groups of friends walking at the mall stared down at their phones.

Texting and smarter phones didn’t take hold in America for a while. But when it took off, holy shit.

You already know this. And if you don’t, look up from your goddamn phone for two seconds.

When I’m in traffic and I look over at someone in a neighboring car staring down at their phone, I give them a toot and a ringy-hand gesture just before rear-ending the car in front of me.

Everyone thinks they are exempt from texting laws. If god knew what the fuck he was doing, he would have left off “Have no other god before me” and included, “Ye shall not text and drive (you’ll know what I mean when technology catches up with my commandments).

Hell, maybe if god showed any kind of future knowledge in that old dusty book of his, he’d have made more friends than enemies.

During our travels this week, we stopped at a Culver’s (fast food restaurant) in Effingham, Illinois. On the speakers throughout the restaurant, Christian music played. During one song, the lyrics spoke of the blowing of trumpets to signify Yeshua’s return.

I can’t help but think God missed a great opportunity to flex his prophetic muscle by saying, “Electric guitars and drums with  Zildjian cymbals will signal the second coming of Christ.”

What, since he obviously didn’t perform a second coming within his generation as he said himself.

The bible is sixty six books of supremely-huge missed opportunity if you ask me.

I mean, if whale’s stomaches were so accommodating, how come we don’t stay in whale stomachs while on vacation? It’d be so green and good for the environment to live in something so obviously organic as whale tummies.

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I wish there were more people like this


Here’s a photo of a well-kept man standing on the side of a road holding a sign that reads, “I have a home … and a car … and a job. Do you need a few bucks for coffee?”

I didn’t take the photo. It was seen on Facebook. 

It’s a feel-good photo of hope and grace.

I wish there were more people like this. It makes me want to grab $100 of $5 bills and make my own sign. Maybe stand outside until the money’s gone, and then stroke my back a few times.

Maybe touch myself.

I probably won’t do it. But it’s a good idea.

Right?

I can’t help but guess this man is religious. Within the religious discussion, it often goes unsaid that people who identify themselves as Christian aren’t bad people. We non-believers consider many Christ-followers our friends … all whilst making them great enemies.

Honk.

 

 

 

Why ‘you rushing off?


 

We returned from our excellent Carbondale vacation Thursday night with achy heads, tested tempers and droopy-eyed fatigue.

And bald tires.

Before we left, I cycled through the typical car checks; washer fluid, oil, tire pressure and tread. Our front tires looked a bit worn.

Nobody wants to look at their tires and agree that they need to be replaced. I figured I could get this trip out of the way without replacing them, but I think my faith in baldness needs to be checked.

This morning, I’m having the two front tires replaced, and I think I have a slow leak in a back tire.

Did you know that the way to check tire tread is to take a penny and if your tread doesn’t reach the tip of old Abe’s head, you better run — not walk — to your nearest tire shop?

I didn’t either.

This weekend, our plans were to go to Michigan to celebrate my aunt’s birthday. My parents and sister drove up from North Carolina to go to the party.

So after a long week of traveling, we’d jump in the car Saturday morning with Talulah and drive three hours to Grand Rapids. We would stay at an aunt and uncle’s house with a spare room. It’s not the best setup in the world, but it’s doable.

But my parents said they were driving back Sunday morning, so we wouldn’t see them at all after the party on Saturday.

On Wednesday, we got an invitation to join a friend at a beach house on Lake Michigan for the cost of hiring a cleaning service to clean up after we left. The house is located an hour and a half south of Grand Rapids.

We decided to take him up on it.

So now we’re going to leave for Michigan today. Stay tonight in Harbert, MI. We will drive up to Grand Rapids Saturday afternoon, and back to Harbert before midnight.

Then we’ll drive back to Chicago on Monday after a little R&R at a sweet-ass stay in a gorgeous house on the lake.

So that’s what’s going on around here.

I wish I had better stories to pass along. I’ll aim to make better stories this weekend. 🙂