I will RSVP “no” to your party

Funny your ecard reads, “A bunch of my friends are coming over this evening to play on their phones.” 

Back in 2001, I visited the Philippines for the first time. That was when I discovered how insulting it is that everyone around you is staring at their phones.

People text all the time; at the dinner table, at the coffee shop, the bars.

Everywhere you went, there was that ubiquitous blue light shining up at faces.

Even groups of friends walking at the mall stared down at their phones.

Texting and smarter phones didn’t take hold in America for a while. But when it took off, holy shit.

You already know this. And if you don’t, look up from your goddamn phone for two seconds.

When I’m in traffic and I look over at someone in a neighboring car staring down at their phone, I give them a toot and a ringy-hand gesture just before rear-ending the car in front of me.

Everyone thinks they are exempt from texting laws. If god knew what the fuck he was doing, he would have left off “Have no other god before me” and included, “Ye shall not text and drive (you’ll know what I mean when technology catches up with my commandments).

Hell, maybe if god showed any kind of future knowledge in that old dusty book of his, he’d have made more friends than enemies.

During our travels this week, we stopped at a Culver’s (fast food restaurant) in Effingham, Illinois. On the speakers throughout the restaurant, Christian music played. During one song, the lyrics spoke of the blowing of trumpets to signify Yeshua’s return.

I can’t help but think God missed a great opportunity to flex his prophetic muscle by saying, “Electric guitars and drums with  Zildjian cymbals will signal the second coming of Christ.”

What, since he obviously didn’t perform a second coming within his generation as he said himself.

The bible is sixty six books of supremely-huge missed opportunity if you ask me.

I mean, if whale’s stomaches were so accommodating, how come we don’t stay in whale stomachs while on vacation? It’d be so green and good for the environment to live in something so obviously organic as whale tummies.

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