Spit-ding! Obama’s views are causin’ natural dee-sasters!


I predict that Talulah’s atheistic stance on ball fetching is going to cause world-wide surges in natural disasters!

I predict that Tina’s views on pimples will usher in more hurricanes next hurricane season.

I predict your deliberate and frequent masturbation will cause an earthquake somewhere before the end of next month.

Worship me. I am a prophet.

Via

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Being transformed by the blood makes you take underage girls across state lines to have sex with them!

That headline is ballsy for even little old me. But these kinds of stories from pastors really … really … piss me off.

Pastors are supposed to have a better direct line to the almighty. If their line is broken, how am I to trust flimsy kids on Facebook talking about how god told them this and that?

Bull.

Shit.

Fired First Baptist pastor to plead guilty in sex scandal involving 17-year-old

Jack Schaap, former pastor of First Baptist Church in Hammond, was fired in August because he allegedly had a relationship with a 17-year-old girl. The church initially said its deacon board fired Schaap because he committed a “sin.”

The church has said the 17-year-old girl and her family are members of First Baptist, which was one of the first megachurches in the country. The church has a congregation of more than 15,000.

Schaap, 54, of Dyer, is scheduled to have his initial appearance Wednesday afternoon before U.S. Judge Paul Cherry in federal court in Hammond.

Read on

America’s 400 richest got even richer in 2012 with their net worth hitting $1.7 trillion — Forbes

America’s filthy rich got even richer over the past year, as their combined net worth grew to a whopping $1.7 trillion, Forbes magazine reported on Wednesday.

Microsoft co-founder and philanthropist Bill Gates topped the magazine’s annual list of the 400 richest Americans for a 19th year running, as he sits on a fortune worth $66 billion.

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Satan can’t have my marriage, but God can, ’cause he promises multiple wives, partners and women who have to keep their mouths shut

Did you know there is a real book titled, “Satan, you can’t have my marriage,” by Iris Delgado?

You do now!

It has all kinds of nuggets of advice. It says that gay marriage is a huge opponent of straight marriage.

It says that you and your spouse can have a “supernatural marriage.”

No, you won’t be able to hover over the bed during sex. It just means you can use supernatural powers to ward off jealousy, anger and any emotion that comes from Satan (Satan!) to bollix up your marriage.

I read through the free pages at Amazon. And I am impressed.

Delgado makes no case for a living, breathing Satan. But goes out of her way to demonize the shithead.

She also explains that her mother dealt with the ungodliness of her husband only to be given fruit as a reward at the end of her life.

So if you have a bad marriage, stick to it, kids. When you’re old, God will finally reward you with a wasted life remaining faithful to an asshole. After that bastard dies, you can finally feel free to laugh and cry without that asshole hitting you.

Oh the glory of supernatural marriage.

Thanks C.N.!