Finally! The 2012 Edition of the Voter’s Guide is out!

It’s a good thing the Holy Bible was clear about who to vote for … 2 Chronicles 7:14 reads,

“Vote for the white guy — or the black guy — who loves money more. Who literally wastes it while on the campaign trail. Vote for the guy who is going to make it easier for the rich to pass through the eye of a needle with their big wallets in tact. Then you will know you voted for the right candidate.”

Seen on facebook … and the laughter from my belly when I saw it was louder than all the acts I saw at Lollapalooza … combined.

Everybody is sending their prayers and thoughts up to the north east. Not me!

Austria, Vienna, St. Charles's Church The Tetr...

On Facebook and Twitter, it’s nauseating how many people are sending positive energy toward their friends and family living in the north east.

Seriously?

It’s their fault for living in the path of a destructive giant like Hurricane Sandy. It’s their fault that God or Moses pointed them in that direction, and they decided to stay there.

So why pray for them? Why are we trying to use our mind powers to bend the fact that high winds and rain are plowing toward them and there’s nowhere to go?

Here’s hoping they get wiped off the map. I’m sick and tired of lusting over the north east with their high density of liberal thought and creativity beyond that which I can achieve.

I’m sick and tired of visiting New York City and never wanting to leave.

Maybe the slate will get wiped, and I can finally afford to live there. Albeit, in a tent. But it’ll be my tent on Park Avenue. My sweet-ass tent with all kinds of amenities.

It’s times like this when you wish that god actually wielded the power he used to in the Old and New Testament. I’m sick of the petty little storms. I want frogs and locusts. I want one dude who is so strong that he could push buildings over with his bare hands … unless you cut his hair.

Maybe that’s what happened to the god of the old testament. A big storm — like Sandy — came and wiped him off the map, with all his oppressive evil and immense creativity.

I mean, remember when he defeated the priests of Ba’al by lighting a fire from the heavens despite the really wet wood (link). They wanted to sacrifice a bull, and the Ba’al worshipers couldn’t get him to light up their altar.

Word is that the most recent Angry Birds app was out, and Ba’al got tied up trying to beat Ra’s high score.

In context, Ba’al was simply a competing deity dreaming for human worship. He was literally the storm god of neighboring tribes. To show god’s supremacy, they had to show that the storminess of YHWH was more powerful than Ba’al’s.

What better way than a chili cookoff.

Well, the storm god is back. And weather whether it’s Ba’al or YHWH, you should know that he’s ready to make some sweet-ass chili if you get your ass outside and build that altar to him.

And now that Sandy is coming to wipe out the liberals of the North East, either Ba’al or YHWH is coming back with all their real supernatural abilities that will once and for all settle the question of one of their existences.

Or something.

Phew.

Me? I’m praying to Kami-kaze with a brush-off prayer toward Chalchihuitlicue. They’re likely going to better answer my prayers. For no other reason but to remind people that their god or gods are all the creative collection of myths and legends passed down for ages. Either they are one or many. But one encompasses the powers of the many.

Monotheism is polytheism forced into a messy little triune of many different idiosyncrasies reserved for several in other cultures.

Take for example this wiki on Ba’al. Notice that there’s a battle between Hadad (or Ba’al) and El. The Hebrews stole the name “El” for themselves. And every time you see a biblical name ending in “EL”, it’s a translation of something including the word “God.”  Ezekiel is “God will strengthen”. Michael is “Who is like God?”.

Other names: Elisha (El in the front), Daniel, Israel, Elijah, and the names of god, “Immanuel” which is “God with us”.

Good thing we have books and histories to learn these things and alter our perceptions of reality by using said information to eliminate gods from our modern, lack of supernatural minds.

 

Romney: Screw you victims of natural disasters

 on Jun 14, 2011

6/13/11: Asked about federal disaster relief to recent tornado and flood victims, GOP presidential candidate Mitt Romney called the spending “immoral” and said disaster relief efforts should be privatized.

At the end of the clip, Romney says that it’s evil to heap loads of debt on your children and grandchildren after you’re dead and gone.

Of course, what he means is, after you’ve passed on into the  next life, and you’re in Mormon heaven looking down on your children giving them supernatural guidance with your supernatural, afterlife powers.

Right?

Via

If Cindy Jacob’s prayers aren’t answered, Yeshua doesn’t exist

 

Supernatural miracle worker Cindy Jacobs says you can pray Sandy, the big, bad hurricane away.

Her prayer (according to this) is:

Prayer Points:

1. Rebuke this storm in Jesus’ name. The authority of the believer is powerful enough to shift weather patterns! (Matthew 17:20)

2. Declare that the Prince of Peace reigns over this hurricane, and that His peace will cause the storm to diminish. (Isaiah 9:6)

3. Pray that this storm will not disrupt our Reformation Day prayer initiatives in the eastern states. (Isaiah 54:17)

4. Pray that the Lord would protect every person on the eastern coast, and that there would be no fatalities or serious injuries. (Psalm 91; It would also be good to declare this passage of scripture over the eastern states.)

5. Worship God for his provision, protection, and peace in the midst of storms. (Psalm 59:16)

If the storm suddenly stopped this very second, someone somewhere would have to agree that Cindy’s onto something.

If the storm continues, people are harmed, and Sandy is wildly destructive, surely (surely!) Cindy will reconsider her faith position.

Surely.