elephantitis boobies

On Tuesday, Tina and I were driving home from a 12-hour day of photography.

We were a bit spent. We needed to pickup Talulah from daycare, and of course one of the main topics of conversation was that our car had been stolen and a laundry list of things we needed to take care of now that we were free from work.

We exited the parking deck, and headed north on LaSalle, which is a seven lane thoroughfare that — when headed south — ends in the financial district. It’s home to the two-story, rock-n-roll McDonald’s. When headed north, you ram straight into Lake Sure Drive where, what we take to get to our place.

As we drove north, we approached a heavily populated intersection where people turn to hit a highway entry artery. I could tell as I approached, that an African American man was forcing a line of cars to stop at a green light as he crossed in front of them. They were slamming on their brakes. He was throwing his arms up and shouting.

I imagine they were profanities.

I started to lower my window, because — for some reason — I get a big kick out of yelling at people from my car.

And this guy’s timing and our trajectory would put him right near the drivers side of our rented car when we passed. He was a homeless. His hair was matted and dreaded in random spots. It was splotchy salt and pepper. He was wearing a sport coat without a shirt. His bare belly out for us all to admire.

His pants were tattered, stained, wrinkled.

We crossed into the intersection as he reached the turn lane. I was in the next lane and posed no threat of hitting him, but within perfect range to yell something clever at him.

That there. That very moment. That’s when I noticed that his pants were unzipped and wide open. They somehow stayed up around his butt. “Oh shit! That dude’s dick is out!” I said as I started rolling my car window back up.

“What?” said Tina.

“His fucking cock and balls …”

“Holy shit!”

This man — like some African American kamikaze — was forcing cars to slam on their brakes, so that they could admire his elephant-leg sized penis, balls and dreadlocked pubic hair from a stopped position.

What a nice guy.