Tina and I voted today. As you might imagine, as I leaned in, dragging my pen toward the letters H I L L A R Y, my pen swerved at the last second and scratched a huge notch next to another name on the ballet.
Yes, indeed, I voted for Trump. That’s right.
D to the O to the N to the A L D, mother fucking T-RUMP.
We need change in America, and he’s obviously the only man who can bring that change.
Think about it. He’s a businessman. Not a lifelong politician. He doesn’t have lobbyists in his back pocket or on his shoulders guiding his thoughts and decisions.
Trump makes more sense. His plans to make America great again are filled with salient, concrete examples of plans to ameliorate this fucked up country of ours.
With all the violence, lackluster economic growth, and terrorism on the rise, we need a man … a man with real balls … real, hairy stones that doesn’t cower in any of the corners of the Oval Office.
We need a man with a STRONG beautiful woman on his arm. That way he can look good walking into all those presidential dinners, and international, black-tie affairs.
We need someone with beautiful hair to guide us through the next four years of cranking America’s amazingness up to the standard of life that Donald Trump is eager to establish like a towering building over the diverse landscape that is today’s dystopian UnUnited States of CrapMerica.
We need a leader backed by Evangelical Christians. Wait, white evangelical Christians … who know exactly what the leadership should look like in this country … people who can obviously figure out better than any other Christian what the bible means about morality, marriage, economics, science, and world events. People who don’t trifle over the nuances of bible verses to the point of so many confused sects that only stars outnumber differences of biblical opinion.
Frankly, we need someone pompous, conniving, manipulative and dastardly … you know … like Trump. We need someone who knows commitment only means “only until you get bored or your wife gets ugly and a new, hot option becomes available.”
We need a man who failed at as many businesses as almost all of America’s failures have experienced since she was born.
We don’t need someone like Crooked Hillary whose primary goal will be to destroy America and to make Isis GREAT … for the first time.
We can’t have a grandma in the Oval Office. All she would want to do is babysit her grandkids while sipping on Ensure, flipping through AARP magazine. This is a woman so damn near her deathbed, her gun-loving haters wouldn’t need to express their 2nd amendment rights on her … thank goodness a mild cold could take her out.
Who do we want making decisions on a Supreme Court Justice who could weigh in on women’s rights via Roe v. Wade? Definitely not a vagina-clad woman. We don’t want to take the rights away from white men who need to keep vagina’s grabbed for their pleasures.
We need a strong, baboon man guiding this country into the opulent foyer of our future great home of Great America.
This pathetic excuse of a country needs Trump. And I’m glad my pen steered me far from marking Hillary on my Illinois ballot so I could vote for making this country the Great country that only a GREAT big failure can guide us to.