If you asked me today, “How old are you?”
My response would be 42. I’ve been answering that same way for the past year.
That makes me a liar.
I was born in September of 1975.
I’m only 41. I’ve spent a whole year as a 42 year old, when I could have been reveling in my 41s.
What an idiot!
So for the next year starting September 7, I’ll be able to honestly tell people, “I’m 42.” No more of lies. No more deceit.
Here’s some news: I’ve been writing again. Almost every day. My morning routine right now is getting up about an hour or two before my wife Tina. I either make a pot of coffee or a single cup of instant coffee, packets that I picked up in France last April. Because everything French tastes better even instant coffee. Ha.
Then I write/journal for about 30 minutes to an hour. Then I meditate for two to five minutes followed by an eight minute stretch routine.
I have been publishing material. Just not here. I started using a pseudonym on another blog. But I’m discovering that that’s not the answer to my blogging needs.
Frankly, I’m angry.
I’m angry that I allowed my personal experiences prevent me from blogging here turning this blog into a metaphorical ghost town, chasing away all my regular readers for the sake of hoping it would alleviate familial stress.
Well that didn’t work.
I got out of the habit of daily updating here.
I’m hoping to change that. Again. I’ve said it before. Rendering me that deceitful 42 year old yet again.
Truth is I’m in a really good place right now. Well, my personal life with Tina is amazeballs. We’ve been busy working on projects that we want. She’s a fucking rockstar. She has taken our company and made it so so so much better.
She keeps booking new work. And each time, one of us inevitably says, “I guess we’re not going out of business any time soon.”
I recently bought her a camera. HER camera. It’s an Olympus Pen PL8 in Brown. We’re coupling it with the lens that came with it (which is shit) and an Olympus 12mm f2, which we rented and I’m already in love with. I also have a M4/3 20mm f1.7.
This is a camera that she can use on jobs and in her personal life. She’s still in the preliminary phase of owning it. We need to test it to make sure it’s viable, which we’re doing on a few jobs this week.
Just like anything business, it might be a risk. Like getting an eight year old a puppy. “I promise I’ll take care of it! I’ll feed it! I’ll walk it! I’ll post pictures of it on Instagram!”
A month in, and the dog (camera) will be mine. I’ll have to walk it (clean it). I’ll have to feed it (charge its batteries). I’ll have to post pictures of it on Craigslist to sell it.
I’ve been seeing a therapist for several months, which I’m so glad I’m doing again. My upbringing was so negative toward mental health that the stigma took me a long time to overcome. But couples therapy and individual therapy has been the most positive experience for me.
The guy I see specializes, in part, with anger management. I sometimes hesitate to say/admit, “I’m an angry person.” I’m not angry all the time.
I am impassioned for certain.
And my anger is often an impassioned view in response to what I perceive as being wronged.
So just like I call myself an atheist, because no other term seems to work. I guess I’m angry.
What I’ve learned is that anger, in and of itself, is not bad. Anger is an emotion. And being angry isn’t wrong. I could maybe improve some of my actions when angry. But I let the idea that avoiding confrontation would improve my life.
For the longest time, I believed in confrontation. I attacked conflict head on, because I felt it made relationships better. When there was conflict in college, I remember going against the grain of what was asked of me and confronting people head on. Some of the strongest bonds I ever made were in my corporate jobs that I had for only two years before going full-time freelance.
Over time, I tried to assimilate the idea that avoiding conflict is better. Tina often avoids conflict and she’s a happy, fun-loving, seemingly carefree person. I like that about her, and I want to be a happy, fun-loving carefree person. My brother is similar and he’s a happy. I perceive him as relatively stress free. That may not be true, but that’s my perception.
This conflict avoidance is one HUGE reason why I stopped blogging here. I thought this blog was contributing to a wedge driving its way between myself and my family.
Said and done, I let others, or my perception of others, take power over me and my pursuit of creative and personal expression. I thought by backing off here, I’d see a decrease in conflict with family.
Well, damnit, I’m taking back power.
I’m apprehensive about sing-songing, “I’m bah-ack, bitches!” Part of what kept me away as well is/was our schedule.
Like lots of bloggers, I’ve promised many false starts.
But goddamnit, I am putting blogging back into my forefront. That may include throwing a little bit of a lotta caution to the wind. It might include shit that is controversial. But fuck the fear that prevented me from being active here for too too long.
To the future, bon appetit!