Whole30, day 12, from a guy who never planned to join the cult …

It’s day 12 of our foray into Whole30. I never planned on doing this diet. And I’m still quite skeptical of the whole thing.

If I met me, today, and heard the bullshit that I’m cutting out for 30+ days, I’d be yawning and looking at my phone while I talked to me.

You know?

No dairy, beans, soy, peanuts, sugar, alcohol for how many days? And why?

“Everything in moderation, my dear boy.”

“Cut one thing out. Not a zillion, my dear boy.”

“Give yourself a break once in a while, my dear boy.”

I’m suspicious of anyone trying to sell anything magical, and here I am conducting the damn magic train and dictating what happens back in the caboose. And everything in between.

What have I learned so far on the Whole30 diet?

  • Cutting out all those ingredients/foods is not as hard as I thought.  Even alcohol promised to be the bombshell blonde temptress calling me back with dirty midnight text message booty calls and I’ve managed to turn her down every time.
  • As they told us in the Bible book: “Quitting heroin is hard. Fighting cancer is hard.” Eschewing a list of foods for 30+ days, not as difficult.
  • Fasting from a series of different foods and replacing them with creative new dishes with amazing flavor profiles is a fun exercise.
  • Facing the diet head-on with a partner is much more satisfying and breathes life into a successful strategy and turnout.
  • It’s day 12, and I haven’t experienced better sleep yet. It’s getting worse, really. I don’t even think I’m that stressed out. Or if I am stressed out, I don’t realize what I’m stressed over.
  • I started the diet to support Tina and her cousin, but now I’m doing the diet for me.
  • My ambition is discover how different foods that are considered inflammatory have affected me both physically and mentally.
  • Overall, I feel calmer, more productive, more concentrated on life, clearer, open-er (sic), lovelier, etc.

Would I recommend Whole30 to a friend? Yes. Would I tell them it’ll change their life? Probably. Do I speak from any kind of authority? Not really. I’m only 12 days in. I’m a hack. I’m a tourist. I’m what people refer to as the shithead in the room.

My outlook, though, is positive. I’m like Scrooge McDuck swimming in a pool of his own money and gold … only I’m swimming in a pool of excessive more time and possibilities of being more productive.

Although, at the moment, I’m so fucking tired it’s hard to concentrate. I’m worried that my fatigue will dictate evil temptations.

Yesterday, Tina went through a swamp of negative feelings and attitude. I’m not sure what was harder: when I went through them personally or being patient with her going through them.

Think about it, for the length of your life, you’ve eaten a lot of different foods. All of the sudden, you put the brakes on about 60%-70% of what you thought was fine, dandy, healthy, supportive.

Because of high blood pressure and cholesterol (and a sincere artistic thrill and so I could have a glass of wine while doing it), I started cooking almost every night of the week about 11 years ago. Nine years ago, Tina and I joined a proper gym and have maintained an exercise regimen that isn’t dictated by New Year’s Resolutions. We’ve managed to start different New Year’s style resolutions, but keep them.

Over the years, I’ve cut back (and failed to cut back) on things like salt, larger meat portions, sugar, calories, etc. There were years where I kept to the “no more than two alcoholic drinks per day (for men) maximum and not every day.” But there were many more when I have not! I blame laziness and fear for the failure of cutting out booze. Fear. Fear because when you think you love something, you think you’d be empty without it. Those thoughts are the little guy in a red suit on your left shoulder whispering in your ear.

I’ve always been intrigued by ideas of why pregnant women can’t have lots of different foods, supposedly for the health of the child. But what the fuck are we eating them for if they are bad for babies?

But the fads are so mind boggling. There’s TOO many of them. I just read in Tools of Titans that there is one guy who decided to cut out all plant-based foods from his diet and he’s never felt more healthy. We are dog-sitting for a friend’s pup who only eats raw chicken. He’s in better muscular shape than any dog I’ve ever seen. And I’ve never seen him do a crunch in my life.

Honestly, I hate the concept of “diets” and especially of the people who proselytize them as superior.

“I’m a vegetarian! I’m saving the planet because meat-based products are ruining the environment!”

“I’m vegan because I want to one-up the vegetarians! I have a superiority complex!”

“I’m a carnivore, because my body needs what evolution gave it to make it walk upright, talk, reason, and invent marketing, capitalism, Hallmark holidays and religion!”

“I’m a Whole30-er, because I’m a sucker for fad diets and creating the most awkward of scenarios in mixed company!”

Joking aside, I’m glad I’m doing it. I think I’m learning something about myself. About the world. About my place in it. I’m rejuvenated with a sense of self-worth, of self-betterment success, of elitism vs humility and of superiority and inferiority.

Self challenges are the mental gyms evacuated after the new year’s resolutions deflate like party balloons. Tina and I tend to find different fads and stick to them. We’ve drank self-made smoothies for three years, cutting out cereal from our diets. Do you realize how shitty cereals are, even the good ones, for eating breakfast?

Eating real food. I think that’s the fad diet everyone should get on. Finding out what does and doesn’t work for you, that’s even more important. Being reasoned in choices, food and otherwise, that there is advice gold.

Here I am hating on diets, and I’m advocating one at the same time. I’m a hypocrite. Just like you. Hold my hand a while, and let’s listen to this podcast on Superiority together.

You’re welcome.

 

 

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