IN THE NEWS | Hilarious headline: “Apollo astronauts left their poop on the moon. We gotta go back for that shit.”

It’s only Hump Day and there’s been enough crazy in the world that She needs to be admitted. I mean, for real.

This VOX headline made me laugh though: “Apollo astronauts left their poop on the moon. We gotta go back for that shit.”

Yes, our brave astronauts took dumps on their way to the moon, perhaps even on the moon, and they left behind their diapers in baggies, on humanity’s doorstep to the greater cosmos.

The bags have lingered there, and no one knows what has become of them. Now scientists want to go back, and answer a question that has profound implications for our future explorations of Mars: Is anything alive in them?

These footprints are still on the moon. So is the astronauts’ trash.

Human feces can be disgusting, but they’re also teeming with life. Around 50 percent of their mass is made up of bacteria, representing some of the 1,000-plus species of microbes that live in your gut. In a piece of poop lives a whole wondrous ecosystem.

The impossibility of other stories in the news is great. The fast food industry finally takes a bow to growing pressure to please a growing population of people who give a shit about the planet and their bodies. I don’t know how that really translates to fast food culture, but adding a vegetarian burger option to its menus is a start.

And wait, a black, openly gay woman is elected mayor of my home-base town of Chicago? What!?! Watch out for pig poop landing on your head.

And we continue to have a demented old fart shitting his pants and slurring his words in the White House. This week, he claimed his father was born in Germany. That the sound of wind turbines causes cancer. And that democrats would leak the contents of a televised speech to the media. That’s just the notably nuts shit. He also made paranoid claims about how you should be more paranoid.

Oh, and he couldn’t pronounce the word “origins”.

Today he’s going to wag his fist and scream from his front porch that the news is fake, treats him unfairly, and doesn’t appreciate all the hard work he’s doing to finally make this country great.