The message: belief + infertility = hysteria

@paperdream #paperdream

The American Family Association, Dr. Dobson’s Christian-family organization, is producing a movie called, “Paper Dream” under its production name, “American Family Studios.”

“Paper Dream” is about a woman named Christy who doesn’t understand why she is infertile. She’s got faith. She reads her bible. Having babies has been her dream since she was a little girl.

I mean, all you need is faith the size (and flavor) of a mustard seed, right? Ask and you shall receive!

But damnit, no is an answer, too. And all that hope that the bible gives you is just a callous, deceitful bitch.

“Paper Dream” is modern day Job story. And Christy’s no Job, let me tell you.

Christy is pissed and just shy of wielding the loudest, smokiest chainsaw you’ve ever imagined.

Seeing this trailer couldn’t be more timely. Many of you remember Tina and I tried fertility treatments. And, in the back of our hopeful minds, we thought a vacation — with loads of sex — would produce a better possibility for a little nugget implanting in T’s uterine wall.

But Aunt Flow came to visit last night earlier than expected. You might have heard the deflating honk from where you were sitting.

You think stuff like that gets easier. It doesn’t. When you’re hopeful, disappointment feels heavier.

Here lies another reason why I finally left faith. As kids, we were taught about god as the master over the unthinkable. We were taught that “nothing is impossible” and that strong faith works “miracles.” Once I was able to face the harsh reality that the stuff in the bible is empty promises, and that prayer is no better or worse than just being hopeful, it’s a matter of retiring faith for function.

It’s much more easing to my mind to think of the world as a natural place where miracles aren’t miracles. They are common functions, accentuated by science and, oddly enough, coincidence.

Having faith somewhat drove me to levels of hysteria, like ol’ Christy in that trailer above. It’s not healthy for people to think like that.

Once you get past the idea that god is as in control of your life as he’s in control of beggars in Bali or the billionaires in America, it’s a no brainer.

By the way, if the trailer is the best of the film that’s supposed to entice viewers, the production team and actors should hang their collective heads in shame. Seriously? “I would give anything in the world to have morning sickness. To wake up in the middle of the night to feel little feet kick inside of me.” Did Dr. D. write this himself?


Good News and Bad News

Okay, okay, I’ll give the bad news first. The bad news is that we do not have positive results this month regarding our fertility efforts.

Insert a huge Café Witteveen deflated honk.

We’ve had an emotional couple days and a sentimental few of hours this morning.

We were fully aware that the first month this treatment had less of a chance. So the good news is, we’re giving it another whirl next month.

Our chins may be dappled with beaded tears, but they are raised up high. We have each other and we have the lot of you who have sent messages of support, messages of prayers, and messages of encouragement. I know we had a lot of people wishing us the best. And to all of you, we send our most genuine and determined appreciation and gratitude.

So lower your shoulder harnesses and buckle your seat belts, because this roller coaster is about to leave the gates!

Creative Fertility

Tina blogged about her experience over the past 24 hours over at Beautiful Symmetry. Her perception of how things are progressing is not positive.

Regardless of knowing that the first time we tried this IUI fertility treatment that we likely might not conceive, it’s certainly easy to get our hopes up. Tina’s deflated right now. Between the hormones coursing through her body and the sheer roller coaster of emotions and mood swings, she finds herself close to teetering on an edge that she doesn’t feel comfortable approaching.

Although nothing is set in stone. I seem to remember that the nurse told us that indications of an impending period doesn’t mean not pregnant. It means that the body is dealing with a whole slew of information and medicine, and needs to straighten it all out.

So go read her blog and send her a big hug. And if you have a rotary phone, send her a rotary phone text telling her you love her. She could use a real honk right now.

Happy Negative Two Week Day!

My dearest Tina blogged about our experience yesterday at the fertility doctor. You should read it. Tina talks about her experience during the last week.

You gotta give it to her, she’s a trooper. T hates needles with a passion second to none. On top of that, she’s being pumped with hormones. She almost fainted yesterday during phlebotomy. Tina’s the sweetest pumpkin on earth, and she was more concerned about disrupting the phlebotomists’ day that she worked herself up more than she needed.

So what are you waiting for, go read it. There’s even pictures of her our follicles. If all this goes through, and we get socked with twins (hell yeah!), we’re going to show our little ones these pictures and say, “Here’s you at negative 2 weeks! Happy Negative Two Weeks Day! Now eat your cake! And clean up your room! And read another book!”

(Did you like how I threw in some discipline to my negative two week year olds?)

Let’s Go Trick or Treating at the Fertility Clinic

Just an update for all who are following our pursuit in fertility, Tina and I started shots on Friday evening. At the time, we still had guests over from dinner, but we had to get the shot done at around 8 p.m.

Tina, Tina’s cousin Kelly and I went into our bedroom and shut the door. Kelly held Tina down and I plunged the shot into Tina’s abdomin so hard that it knocked the wind out of her.

Not really .

Fortunately Kelly was there to help me administer the injection. Tina is deathly afraid of needles, and for the first couple doses, I decided that documenting the live action through video might not work right now. It would be interesting to view as a case study, but I’m not sure Tina would sign off on making that public. She’s the boss, so we’re going with that.

Basically, Kelly talked Tina through it. Tina’s emotions and adverse hate for needles made it difficult to be calm enough to go through with it. Once it’s done, the pinch is harsh enough to bother Tina. But I think she’s starting to see that it’s going to hurt a little. But after 10 minutes, the pain is gone and we’re golden.

Friday night, Tina complained of nausea, which is a common side effect. This might also been mixed with the entire emotional side of the first dose, and her adrenaline subsiding may have adversely affected her. Sunday morning, Tina complained of feeling bloated, which is a common side effect. She had to take her wedding rings off. Today she felt okay, but she took off her rings before bed, so who knows.

How it works (at least how I understand how it works) is, we give a series of 5 or 6 shots of a particular hormone that lead up to one major shot that causes a surge in fertility. The dose I’m giving Tina is 150 mg. When the allotted days are up and Tina enters ovulation, There is a window of time to deliver yet another semen sample into a cup. We bring the sample to the lab where they “wash” it and administer another injection into Tina with a blast of super sperm.

The super sperm fertilize 60 eggs and all grow and develop with amazing super human powers. In 9 short months, we’ll have a small population of super Wittifini’s that will be the beginning of the end of the universe.

I’m really not sure why there’s not a super hero based on fertility treatments.

There are possibilities of multiples in this treatment. Quite frankly, I would love to go ahead and rock out two to 90 kids. Okay, 90 might kill me Tina. How about three on the high side.

Three might be a little wacky, but hey, fertility fate may have different ideas for me.

In case you’re curious about it at all, here’s a quick video I found of a woman who is not affected by the pain of injection:

Infertility Goblins

Closer to December, Tina and I will embark on our first month of fertility treatments and subsequent Inter Uterine Insemination.

Our hope is to document it and host the documentary here at Le Café in a segment I would like to call “Fertility, with a side of Holy Shit.”

I’m not settled on the name.

Maybe you could help me out with a new name. I plan on working up some graphics, and detailing the entire process on camera.

All that said and what that all means is, we’ve decided to have sex for the first time — ever! — and we want you here, to experience it with us. If you can’t be here, we’re doing a 30-camera shoot of our first time for all the world to see. Live.

Dirrrty, nasty, virgin sex.

Right on camera. Blood, sweet and tears.

Not really. We really are going to be doing IUI this coming month. It’ll be our Christmas present to the world. Well, mainly my mom and dad.

You may be wondering where dinner blogging has been lately too. We’ve been having repeat meals, and I haven’t been taking pictures of them. But surely the next time I cook something new, look for some shots. I’m aiming for a big dinner this weekend.

My cousin Jonathan is in town this weekend to see the Pixies at the Aragon. He and his wife may want a Chicago native cooked meal. But if not, we’ll go out. Continue reading “Infertility Goblins”

Infertility Monster (NSFW)

tina and jer sad about fertility
I drew this illustration, because I don't have a picture of us with a thought bubble coming out.

My wife Tina and I have been diagnosed as infertile with scientific proof to bat. We’ve been trying to conceive for over a year. We worked closely with Tina’s OB/GYN for over three months in the spring to see what she could do. After it seemed that the OB/GYN’s efforts were ineffective, we sought fertility clinic help.

Since September, we’ve been pricked, prodded and probed. Tina had one ultrasound of her cervix that was devastatingly painful. Guys, could you imagine having your penis hole opened large enough to fit a freight train inside? That’s how bad it was. After other various tests, including HIV and STD tests, as well as semen samples from me, we’ve been diagnosed with potentially “curable” infertility.
Continue reading “Infertility Monster (NSFW)”

Semen Samples and Blood Pressure Successes

Gray1144This morning I spilled my seed into a cup. The business of achieving my sample was so hot, that I think the lab tests might come back positive that the cup is pregnant.

Thankfully, this sample was delivered at home. The last two tests I had to do in a public facility. And while masturbating to porn in a restroom is definitely my idea of a good time, it was still a little awkward doing the walk of shame out of the doctor’s office.

In case you’re new or haven’t read yet, Tina and I are doing tests to determine what’s going on with our infertility. So far, all the tests have been relatively positive. The last step in the process was masturbating in a cup. Now we wait to see what our options are, and they could go from relatively simple to In Vitro Fertilization (IVF).

But this morning was an excursion into one-handed bliss in my own home. The rules are that I must “perform to my own audience.” Tina can’t “use my mic for singing my song.” But we came up with a fantastic, dreamy way of “auto-tuning our own songs” at the same time.


I know, hot right? If that cup isn’t pregnant, it’s because I saw it smoking a cigarette after coitus. And we all know that pregnant cups shouldn’t smoke cigarettes.

To top off the great weekend, my blood pressure came in the lowest it’s been since I’ve been diagnosed with elevated blood pressure. It’s been consistently coming in at over 140 over 100. Often after coffee or in the middle of the day, it’s up toward 150 over 105. Over the weekend it was 133 over 77. I dipped into the 70s, bitches.

So take that in the upper lip, you fuckin’ jagoff blood pressure.

Something’s working.

Tina wants to blog about the infertility experience, but so far she’s been too shy to do it. I understand. She’s also been busy. So maybe I’ll get my notes outlined and write up some posts. What’s a mystery to me is why this stuff isn’t common knowledge. Why aren’t people talking about it? There are so many people in the waiting room when we got to the infertility clinic. We can’t be that big of a minority. It seems like every other person we talk to is going through some kind of infertility or knows someone who has.

Thankfully the internet is good for more than just porn, and there are stories online. And because I tag this post with masturbation and semen, I’ll get 100s of extra hits.