Finally! We have proof that Satan exists. Phew!

Kelly Fenton (@kellyfen283 ) tweeted, “#MyFirstTime ad by #Obama is similar to an ad #Putin did. They must share the same advisor: #Satan #RussianStyleTactics #tcot”.

Here’s the ad in question.

I love that Kelly Fenton thinks Satan exists. No photos. No video. No proof. But Satan, the enemy of god, exists. Really. And he informs Obama and his supporters how to think.

Wait a minute. That makes me … possessed by Satan.

Unlike Fenton, I have video proof of her existence. And don’t tell anyone, but Jesus Christ makes an appearance in this video, too. If you tell anyone, it will shatter the atheist agenda! So shhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Via JMG

 

 

 

Don’t you know? The devil is the master of writing on papyrus. Dumbasses.

That filthy liberal rag, the NYTimes, published an article about a scrap of papyrus from 300 BC AD, before several of the New Testament books were written, that has words in order like, “Jesus said to them, ‘My wife…” among other sacrilegious nonsense.

I mean, don’t they know that everyone was named Jesus back then, and it could be referring to anyone?

And anyone’s wife.

The devil is a crafty beaver, don’t you think?

He’s constantly trying to confuse us with contradictory ideas.

Josephus only wrote about Jesus Christ, who was an unmarried, miserable God wretch.

Or something.

Besides, if Jesus were sexually active or married it would destroy almost 2000 years of The Catholic tradition of celibacy and frequent sex with children.

Gosh guys, if one doctrine is full of crap, what does that mean for the other doctrines we love to throw in others faces?

Let’s bind together to reject this flimsy piece of devil papyrus!

Read more here.

Yawn: Mormon church earns $7 billion a year from tithing, analysis indicates

 

Nothing says “unimpressive” like learning that the Mormon church rakes in $7 billion a year.

That’s how much the Catholic church brings in from interest … in a day.

From NBC online:

Relying heavily on church records in countries that require far more disclosure than the United States, Cragun and Reuters estimate that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints brings in some $7 billion annually in tithes and other donations.

It owns about $35 billion worth of temples and meeting houses around the world, and controls farms, ranches, shopping malls and other commercial ventures worth many billions more.

The church claims 14 million members around the world, more than half outside the United States. All are supposed to tithe, or give 10 percent, of their income, which Mormons frequently interpret as pre-tax earnings. But only about 40 percent of Mormons counted by the church actually attend weekly services in the United States and Canada, and in many countries, including Mexico and Brazil, only a quarter of nominal members are active, according to Cumorah, an independent research group headed by a devoted, active Mormon.

 

Jesus Christ in Richmond Park … FENTON!!!

That’s what this video was called. I didn’t write it.

It reads, “Jesus Christ in Richmond Park.”

I would like you to listen to what I am about to write next … very … very … very carefully.

Are you reading the words that are coming out of my mind, to my keyboard, onto my computer and into this blog post?

Ready?

This video made me laugh.

And not laugh a little. I’m talking school boy, uncontrollable hysterics.

Beware!

It may not do the same to you.

But damn, it made me laugh.

Here is a transcript from the video that may help so that you can follow along:

Fenton. Fenton! FenTON! FENTON! FEN-TON! Oh, Jesus Christ.

But I wasn’t going to post it, until I saw this:

Which only means that this one is going to go viral with all kinds of off-shoot memes.

 

… if Yeshua existed …

If Yeshua existed, we have very little evidence that he was an all-knowing, superior being with the keys to life and the universe.

Even as a Christian, I thought the guy (Jesus) was a huge letdown.

And by letdown, I mean the biggest, fart-y-est deflated honk you’ve ever heard.

While Jesus walked the earth, and he negated all those dumb old testament laws (except homosexuality, slavery, and women’s rights), he should have also revamped some of the original “Intelligent Designs.”

Don’t ya think?

Hell, current Christians have ignored all that Jesus said, so maybe it’s a lost cause.

But that’s not my point. My point is how awful the human body is

And I mean that as an awful segue.

I mean, think about the clothes you pull off yourself after you workout. Hell, think about the underwear you wear after a long day at work.

Working out is “good for you.”

Right?

Working out helps you live longer, right?

Working out is good for the body, the heart, the mind.

A worked out body is one you want to … you know … fuck, right?

And sex leads to more followers for Yeshua, ideally, right?

But a body just after working out is this many dead rats close to hideous, right?

Yeshua should have shown some foresight in the workout department.

Not only did Jesus not say, “Blessed are those who work out, for they will live longer than 35 or 40 years.” He also didn’t say, “My father installed a deficient system of sweat removal and stink making. My father made working out a negative, because you wreak so badly afterward. Nobody wants to have sex with an un-washed body. I’ll help you out and change these human-body deficiencies so you won’t feel inhibited to make more children.

“In 1900 years, when men and women who work out, they won’t wonder what cheese they left under their taint when they’re just about to get it on.”

I mean for real. We aren’t nearing seven billion people on earth because of god. We’re nearing that because people learned to wash themselves after working out because they figured out they could get some if they washed under their hooch once in a while.

I said “hooch.”

Human Videos: Reenacting Christian Pop Songs For Jesus

Today on NPR’s All Things Considered, there’s a story called, “Human Videos: Reenacting Christian Pop Songs For Jesus.” It’s about kids in church groups who are directing stage productions and dance performances that tell biblical stories. They’re like cheerleading meets amateur interpretive dance.

They’re awful.

Please don’t call “human videos” art. Pretty please. With sugar on top.

These kids have stupidly called these performances “human videos” instead of what they are, piss-pourly choreographed and badly-performed dance productions. This is yet another example of how church folks take existing arts and ruin them. You don’t stand in lines at museums to ogle a five-year old’s finger painting.

“Human videos” are the dance equivalent of a three-year old’s finger painting.

I’m surprised it made the afternoon’s NPR news lineup. It’s a mundane story, and all it did was give me fodder for a blog post. I bet EVERYONE who heard it blogged about it after they heard it. All two of us.

The thing that stood out was that there were several “human video” performers who talked about the difficulty of sharing Jesus at their local high schools. When they get together at these “human video” stage shows, they can finally feel like they aren’t alone in the world. They can hang out with thousands of kids who are “on fire for Jesus.”

Good for them. Like-minded people should flock together. I don’t want to hang out with Jocks. I don’t want to hang out with Dungeons and Dragons kids. I don’t want to hang out with Jesus kids either. That’s the great thing about High School: cliques are expected.

I’m on fire for Christ! Someone get a fire extinguisher and FAST!

I want to rub it in these kids’ faces that they should feel ashamed and embarrassed about sharing Jesus at school. They should second guess it and follow that line of thinking. If I went up to one of those kids, who happen to be in high school, and I say, “Hey, do you know Santa? He’s an amazing elf and he brings the whole wide world presents one day a year.” I would expect my friends to make it super uncomfortable.

If you come up to me and tell me, “I have a friend. You can’t see him. His name is Jesus. I want you to know him.” I expect people to marginalize that behavior.

If you want to believe in the invisible, do it. Don’t expect that anyone should cater to you or make you feel comfortable. If you believe in things that make other people laugh or feel uncomfortable, you don’t have the right to complain.

These kids KNOW that it’s ridiculous, and the only reason they proselytize is because they were born in evangelical homes. They don’t love Jesus. They love the feeling of performing on stage, and they are addicted to it. They displace those feeling on loving Jesus, because it justifies behavior that other kids might mock.

What they need is for their role models to encourage them to take dance classes and hone their art in a professional way. Performing badly only reinforces that the church is only for badly-made art instead. What happened to the days when the art produced excellence rather than a load of piling bullshit?

Here’s a bucket of gasoline and a match. You know what to do.

There are (at least) two voices in these kids’ heads. One says, “Hey, this Jesus guy is great. I love him and what that means to me.” And the other voice says, “Hey, this is kind of crazy, because I have never met Jesus. I’ve never seen him. How am I supposed to talk about him to other kids?”

Then they say, “I’m going to listen to that first voice, because if I don’t, my parents will punish me. I’ll roast in hell. And I’m afraid of what I can’t see.”

Bottom line: kids shouldn’t feel comfortable in their Christianity. They should be encouraged to search out why it makes them feel that way.

If you’re on fire for Jesus … you deserve to get burned.

Saturday Reading List

  • Oh Chick-Fil-A, say it ain’t so! Gay activists are bashing the incredibly religious fast-food chain for associations with anti-gay agenda. Read here, here and here. Hey, Chick-Fil-A, do you get happy from smashing babies against rocks, too?!?
  • The cure for loneliness? Date Jesus. I am not fucking kidding. Julie Ferwerda explains that dating Jesus is a must for anyone within a relationship or single. Among the list of ways to date Jesus (see page 2): Write letters, Record his answers, Walk and talk, Set real dates, Make cards or gifts for him and Study him. One major thing Ferwerda left out: don’t expect reciprocation, the sex is going to suck (he’ll never go down on you), and if you don’t worship the ground he walks on, prepare for a life-time eternity of torment. One-sided love does not equal stalking, insanity or absolute bonker talk. In fact, all relationships should be modeled after the one-sided affair with the ghost of Jesus past, present and future. If you’re unclear how to date Jesus, please see this very informative statement:

So how do you date Jesus? Here are some ways that work for me, but the sky is the limit for creativity—just like any true dating relationship. The key is to make it spontaneous, personal and a major priority. And then you’ll find that he begins showing up for dates—sometimes with flowers, love notes, and rainbows!

Coo-coo!

  • The Beastie Boys are still set to release a new album soon. Good news, MCA is doing well against his battle with cancer.
  • Prepare yourself for a sweetness explosion! Man gives ex an exploding dildo for Christmas. He keeps calling her asking for phone sex.
  • The Monkeys you ordered offers captions to New Yorker cartoons that are actually funny.

Thanks Luis, for the Date Jesus link!

Move over Jesus, there’s a new JC in town

I haven’t seen Avatar yet. I’ve heard great things. For all I care, it can go to hell.

But I thought this web site, called JC is JC, was funny.

There are three reasons why James Cameron is Jesus Christ:

Exhibit A: He creates things.

Piranha II: The Spawning: mutant Piranhas. THAT COULD FLY.
The Terminator: Time travelling robots.
Aliens (Two-Disc Collector’s Edition): The idea of having things in “plural.”
The Abyss: That liquid you used whenever you played with Magic Rocks.
Terminator 2: Edward Furlong’s film career.
True Lies: My one-time arousal over Jamie Lee Curtis.
Titanic: An Academy Awards shutout.
Ghosts of the Abyss: People now went to museums.
Aliens of the Deep: People went to museums for a second time.
Avatar: The “Fusion Camera System.”

Exhibit B: His semen.

This one is a bit of a stretch. “Nooooooooooooooo,” you say disbelievingly. The correlation here is that JC wanted you to eat a wafer and a little wine to represent him. In the church of the second coming of JC, he wants you to eat popcorn and drink his man juice. Look at his ex-wife. She was once a believer and now she’s gone on to direct the smash-hit movie “The Hurt Locker.”

Exhibit C: The cover up

I’ll let the site explain.

On March 4, 2007, the Discovery Channel premiered J.C.’s The Lost Tomb of Jesus. J.C. and crew made a documentary showing “scientific proof” that Jesus Christ never resurrected. Archeologists in Jerusalem apparently found a hidden tomb with 10 stone caskets. One of them was for Jesus.

But wouldn’t that TV special be the antithesis to this entire website? Bullshit. Like the moon landing, the whole thing was just a cover-up. You see, during the 70th annual Oscar Awards, J.C. announced that he was “The King of the World.” The proverbial cat was out of the fucking bag. Only he wasn’t ready for everyone to know yet.

Here was his solution:

Back to the future. With robots and old ladies.

He sent time-traveling robots and life-reliving old ladies into the past. Together, they took random cadavers and placed them in said caskets. Forget Titanic; forget the Terminator series; this shit is real.

I don’t think the site is as fully realized as it could be, but it’s pretty good. I leave you with this prayer.