Dim bulb Quote of the Day

February 25, 2011

We started today with a great quote from a believer. Now it’s time for a delightfully dim bulb quote from another believer.

WhiskeyRiver commented on this very popular post about Noah’s Ark and wrote (misspellings and bad grammar are Whiskey’s):

“When Clams are found at 13,000 ft on Mt.Arrarat,that are from the right time period,how can you stick to that theory of yours.Hmm,…”

Clever, right?

WhiskeyRiver screwed up a Young Earth Creationist (YEC) argument. The discovery of clams that YEC’ers use so often was on Mt. Everest. Mt. Ararat is the mythological place where Noah’s Ark supposedly landed.

How were fossilized clams found on top of any mountain? Simple science explains that mountains are formed through the movement of tectonic plates. At one time, areas that were below the water are pushed up into the atmosphere. That’s right, places that were once below water were pushed up, way up. That’s why you find fish fossils in Wyoming (Julie).

Why do I post WhiskeyRiver’s dirty underwear on Le Café Witteveen’s flagpole and hoist it up?

It’s a waste of time, right?

The Noah’s Ark post above gets between 20 and 40 hits a day.  It gets that many hits, because believers are constantly searching for terms like “proof of Noah’s Ark.” I happened to tag the post with those exact words. I hate to break it to you kids, but you’re never going to find proof, because

Noah’s

Ark

never

happened.

Even if Moses really wrote the first five books of the bible (the pentateuch),  he wrote down a story that was passed down through an oral history that predated his time by several hundred years (if you believe the bible is true). He, or whoever wrote Genesis, picked up the story from the Babylonians. And the Babylonians probably picked it up from yo mamma.

I don’t “believe” in science. I accept it. Belief implies faith. You can show me how tectonic plates work. We can feel how they work (just ask any Haitian or Christchurchian). You can show me how we’re genetically connected to animals through evolution.

But you cannot EVER show me a talking snake. You will never be able to show me walking dead people. You cannot show me any number of biblical miracles because they

NEVER

happened.

That’s a bold statement only because I emboldened it. It’s really not that big of a deal. Life will go on if the bible isn’t 100% true.

Besides, the bible teaches you to expect disbelief from non-believers. It teaches to expect scoffing and disrespect. So chalk this criticism up to a biblical teaching and accept that I can’t believe your beliefs

because

they

are

un-

believable.


“I believe Noah’s Ark is literally true.”

February 7, 2011

Do you believe that the story of Noah’s Ark is literally true?

Over the weekend, Julie Ferwerda siren songed me into responding to a facebook update about the existence of hell. She used a quote that I have made in the past that “hell is the easiest Christian concept to disprove.” She hoped that it would start a conversation. It did.

There were the standard responses ranging from, “Interesting” to “I’m sorry Julie, but that’s just too far outside of my comfort zone.”

There were a number of reasoned discussion points regarding hell, and I stayed on board for a little while. That was until the discussion turned to questioning whether or not there was a literal global flood in which a guy named Noah built a boat, filled it with all the world’s animals, and manned it himself, with his wife and his kids for over 40 days and nights until the global flood waters subsided.

People believe that a literal story of Noah and an ark actually happened.

Let’s start with the biblical facts in the form of a bullet list.

  • Noah was in his 500s when he built the boat.
  • Noah is your direct ancestor. From Noah, you get every black person, Chinese person, and Native American. From Noah, you get every culture in the world.
  • All the animals that existed at that time traveled 100s of 1000s of miles to arrive at the boat to travel in safety.
  • Fruit and vegetables that go badly in your refrigerator within one week stayed edible for over 40 days.
  • Carnivorous animals lived on the boat in harmony with vegetarian animals.
  • Despite all evidence to the contrary, there was a global flood that killed every living human and animal except for those on the boat within the last 10,000 to 6,000 years.

If those biblical facts do not cause you to rethink your position on whether or not the story of Noah is literally true, you have a problem.

First, a 90 year old man can’t lift a hammer with out filling a diaper. When someone says, “Yeah, so I was hanging with my gramps — he’s 500 — and after the 18 holes of golf, we painted the town red.” You know they’re lying. If a 500 year old had kids, they would be at least in their 470s. And if they had kids, they’d be in their 450s. But we’re to believe that Noah and his kids had more kids after they dismounted the beloved ark.

Do you still believe in a literal reading of Noah’s Ark?

Noah is your direct ancestor. He also is related to every African, Chinese, Japanese, Native American, Indian, Russian, Hawaiian, Jewish, Muslim, and South American person you’ve ever met. And if you think you are the result of the incestuous sex fest of Noah the 500 year old and his 470 year old children, you’re as mentally handicapped as the in-bred, six-fingered children popping out of Noah’s wife’s 500 year old uterus.

Do you still believe in a literal reading of Noah’s ark?

ALL the animals traveled the world to be on the boat. All the Koala bears. All the Madagascar-based Lemurs. All the Kangaroos. And all the dinosaurs (if you’re a creationist). All the Polar Bears and all the reptiles and monkeys. Penguins, don’t forget the penguins! Not only did they travel all that way to be there, but they traveled back!

Do you still believe in a literal reading of Noah’s ark?

I don’t have the strength to go through the rest of these bullet points. And these are only the quick bullet points I pulled out of my ass.

There are tons more reasons why the first three bullet points are complete rubbish. Not to mention, the Jews stole the story from other cultures anyway (see Gilgamesh).

The greatest reason to discontinue thinking that the story is literally true would be that it would paint your god as the most destructive, childish god to ever exist. If it were I, I would edit that story right out of my holy book.

And people teach their kids this story. The same people who won’t show a child an R-rated movie because of violence will tell their children that God murdered every human being, every child, every mother, every brother and sister, every form of animal that he ever created, because he had a little temper tantrum over whether or not people loved him.

But a cute little 500 year old building a boat and stuffing cute little animals into it is SOOOOOOOOOO worth it!

If that’s not enough reason to stop worshipping god, I don’t know what is.

 


Sunday School: Noah’s Ark Videos

November 21, 2010

I visited Phil Ferguson’s Skeptic Money blog this morning and he had two separate posts of videos about Noah’s Ark. One is from Richard Dawkins and the other is from comedian Joe Rogan.

I strongly recommend watching both.

In the Rogan video, a member of the audience heard his bit about Noah’s Ark sounding ridiculous to a mentally challenged kid. The audience member approached Rogan after the show explaining he is an archeologist of some kind and telling him he has proof of Noah’s Ark.

But he doesn’t really have proof.

But he says he has proof.

He’s not going to tell you he has proof.

But he has proof.

He wants to show you the proof.

Listening to the guy will make your head spin.

Stick around to the end when Rogan goes into more detail about what it could be. The video is not safe for work, by the way.

In the Dawkins video, ol’ Dick Dawkins spells out animal distribution across the planet and gives detailed rationale why 40% of Americans who claim the bible is 100% true are so full of malarkey it’s frightening.

I highly doubt my religious readers will watch either video, but I can always hope, right?

Thanks, Phil!


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