Infertility Monster (NSFW)

tina and jer sad about fertility

I drew this illustration, because I don't have a picture of us with a thought bubble coming out.

My wife Tina and I have been diagnosed as infertile with scientific proof to bat. We’ve been trying to conceive for over a year. We worked closely with Tina’s OB/GYN for over three months in the spring to see what she could do. After it seemed that the OB/GYN’s efforts were ineffective, we sought fertility clinic help.

Since September, we’ve been pricked, prodded and probed. Tina had one ultrasound of her cervix that was devastatingly painful. Guys, could you imagine having your penis hole opened large enough to fit a freight train inside? That’s how bad it was. After other various tests, including HIV and STD tests, as well as semen samples from me, we’ve been diagnosed with potentially “curable” infertility.
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Semen Samples and Blood Pressure Successes

Gray1144This morning I spilled my seed into a cup. The business of achieving my sample was so hot, that I think the lab tests might come back positive that the cup is pregnant.

Thankfully, this sample was delivered at home. The last two tests I had to do in a public facility. And while masturbating to porn in a restroom is definitely my idea of a good time, it was still a little awkward doing the walk of shame out of the doctor’s office.

In case you’re new or haven’t read yet, Tina and I are doing tests to determine what’s going on with our infertility. So far, all the tests have been relatively positive. The last step in the process was masturbating in a cup. Now we wait to see what our options are, and they could go from relatively simple to In Vitro Fertilization (IVF).

But this morning was an excursion into one-handed bliss in my own home. The rules are that I must “perform to my own audience.” Tina can’t “use my mic for singing my song.” But we came up with a fantastic, dreamy way of “auto-tuning our own songs” at the same time.


I know, hot right? If that cup isn’t pregnant, it’s because I saw it smoking a cigarette after coitus. And we all know that pregnant cups shouldn’t smoke cigarettes.

To top off the great weekend, my blood pressure came in the lowest it’s been since I’ve been diagnosed with elevated blood pressure. It’s been consistently coming in at over 140 over 100. Often after coffee or in the middle of the day, it’s up toward 150 over 105. Over the weekend it was 133 over 77. I dipped into the 70s, bitches.

So take that in the upper lip, you fuckin’ jagoff blood pressure.

Something’s working.

Tina wants to blog about the infertility experience, but so far she’s been too shy to do it. I understand. She’s also been busy. So maybe I’ll get my notes outlined and write up some posts. What’s a mystery to me is why this stuff isn’t common knowledge. Why aren’t people talking about it? There are so many people in the waiting room when we got to the infertility clinic. We can’t be that big of a minority. It seems like every other person we talk to is going through some kind of infertility or knows someone who has.

Thankfully the internet is good for more than just porn, and there are stories online. And because I tag this post with masturbation and semen, I’ll get 100s of extra hits.