Oh North Carolina, we’re not upset with you over passing amendment one. Not one bit. You did what your pastors and church leadership told you to do, and you should be happy with that.
We aren’t going to call you ignorant. We won’t call you a bunch of backwoods rednecks. We’re not going to call you unschooled, unenlightened, unevolved assholes. That would be so mean.
We aren’t going to label you the red-headed stepchild of the United States, or post pictures of you wearing hairy ape costumes.
We won’t call you stupid retards or rally against you as the dumbass state.
Don’t you know that calling names would be juvenile?
We’re not going to criticize you for taking North Carolina back to the olden days when illiterate, bigotry and homophobia reigned supreme.
We’re not going to break up with you just because you’ve just tattooed a huge L on your forehead.
We aren’t even going to bother sending you angry emails or tweets. That would be so wrong.
Nope, we’re going to let your silly little mistakes go unmentioned. We’re going to hide them in the closet with the rest of your sins.
We’re not going to talk about your adulterous affair with South Carolina, when you know you’re married to Virginia. Remember when you took the virgin out of Virginia, that was such a great, bloody romp in the hay, right?
We’re not even going to mention the one time you hooked up with Tennessee and Georgia in the best threesome of your lives.
No sirree bob, your secrets of torrid affairs and gay love triangles are safe with us.
We can keep a secret.
See you next Tuesday, North Carolina. Hope to see you soon!